Something So Captivating.

Maybe its because of the Thanksgiving, Christmas season. The excitement, the happiness, the rush. But there's something so special in the air. Its indescribable. Something so magical, so beautiful about the life we're living. The way we smile, the way we sing, the way we talk. Everything is underlined with this special feeling. I feel about like this about everything these days. It has been a rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling the stress, sleeplessness, and foodlessness (yes that is now a word). But now that I have a chance to relax, just be home, I can look back and honestly say that its been a couple of amazing weeks.

There is something so unique, so precious about every new day. So many new possibilities, so many chances to do something for my Jesus, so many new emotions to discover. I think I'm realizing what they mean when people say "Each day is a gift". It really is. Everything is changing so quickly. It seems as if there aren't enough hours in a day to fully experience all that there is for that day! Maybe I'm feeling this way because of the conference, because so many new chapters of my life are unfolding. So many different aspects are changing.

The conference. We've all waited so long for it and its almost here. Finally. All the guests coming, the friends you haven't seen for half a year. Its not even the social aspect of it (although thats a big part). Its having all the youth together, singing songs to glorify our God, united by a common love for the One who saved us. Looking around during a sermon, you can see some of the different expressions. Some are captivated by message, hanging on to every word. Others are texting, looking for ways out or something to do. Others yet, are asleep. Its pretty great, so many different people, so many different lives, goals, everything. All are gathered togather. Its indescribable.

Going back to the social aspect, conferences are "mating season" as Vika or Jeka put it. Thats true. My special someone is coming but I can honestly say thats not the main reason why I excited. Its interesting to see everyone's true personality/intentions come out. Who hangs out with who doing what. I love it.

Right after that is Christmas, possible Mexico trip, New Years, birthdays, wedding. No wonder every day flies by so quickly. And I'm excited to see what the rest of the days will be. The captivating feeling of something so special, so exciting happening every single day is pretty amazing. Maybe its because with every day, I'm realizing how much everything is changing. Nothing will ever be the same. A year from now, it'll be completely different. And I can't wait.

Maybe 1/Millionth

This is maybe 1/1,000,000,000 out of what and who I really am. But I really want to do it! So here goes:

1. I like mangoes.
2. I see the little things that people often overlook.
3. My Jesus is my everything.
4. High school is a complete waste of time.
5. I love learning, medicine is my passion.
6. Nature, flowers, lakes,oceans,walks, sunshine all have this amazing effect on me.
7. I love very deeply once I've decided to really love.
8. Acting comes naturally.
9. You smile, I smile. I like making people happy.
10. Frustration and worry come quickly with me.
11. Need to be protected by someone.
12. I'm a princess and I'm living my fairytale.
13. Btw...I think I've met the prince too.
14. My church youth inspire me to no end, total happiness.
15. Green tea is life (with no sugar).
16. I love words, speaking,writing, verbally expressing emotions.
17. Very indecisive person.
18. Skirts, dresses, flowers, sparkles- my things.
19. My family is like no other.
20. I believe in true love, complete happiness, and perfect lives.
21. Oceans, beaches, tropics: my dream.
22. Little things (snowflakes, twinkling stars, rose petals, stuffed animals) make me smile.
23. Innocent? To some.
24. I want to do so much, yet often accomplish so little.
25. Very breakable, yet resilient.
26. Romantic to the fullest.
27. Nothing is too much because no matter what, I'm on God's side, washed by His blood.
28. I get easily confused, but once I know something...I know its fact.
29. All I want is to be loved, protected, and happy.
30. I might not be determined, or a leader, or successful, or strong, or charismatic, but I have a heart can love you like no other.

So that was as much as I feel like sharing for the time being. Maybe one of these will pop up again. Pretty much stars, sunsets, flowers, anything created by my God is captivating to me. I love humans and the way they've been wired, our brains, our nervous system, its fascinating. I love love. The concept of it. How God can bring two people together, people who had been living their separate lives, and create in them a passion so deep, so intense that it last for their entire lives and is centered around Him. Its too much to understand, yet God created all this. Its just so beautiful. How lucky we are to be loved by Someone so great, that He cares about our happiness, sadness, everything. Amazing.

Beautiful Soul Breaking

I just happened to remember one of my favorite songs from long ago! Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. Loved that song, still do actually! And its so true. "I don't want just another pretty face, I don't want anyone, no, I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul." Thats pretty true. I don't want to waste my love, and I'm a little worried. Every once in a while it hits me that this is pretty serious. I will end up with a broken heart or with a family. Ahh goodness, let's not think about it. Although thats impossible. Its all up to God, gotta trust that He knows what He's doing. And this song applies to not just my love life, but just life in general. I don't want to waste a minute of my life. Wanna live to the fullest. Its a pretty inspiring thing, to have a beautiful soul.

I think everyone has a beautiful soul. Each person is so amazing and different. The whole world is like a stain glass window, with each person a different color with a different shine serving a different purpose. I love it! My friends are all so beautiful in their own ways, and now that we're all growing up, its becoming more and more evident. I can't wait to keep moving on with life. I can't wait to get out of this state. I love my family, but I can't wait to be independent. College is like a dream, to be away most of the day. Come home to clean, cook, and sleep. This will hopefully be my last Christmas with Minnesotans. In the years after that, hopefully be in Russia with the missionaries for Christmas.

I have so much plans. My own mission, my own life. Each person does. I just want to get away from everything. I know that I have my own life. I can't wait to live it! Feels like my family just wants to keep me home. If maybe something doesn't work out with him, I still want to go to a college, far far away. California is my dream. Always. Anywhere but here. Here I can't let my glass sparkle the way its designed to. I feel so trapped.

I agree, some of my friends are headed down dangerously quickly. Their life is losing meaning day by day. Not just American friends, some Russian friends too. I don't know whats going on with their families, maybe they feel just as helpless as I do. But one difference, God is always first. He will never ever disappoint me. My family has, my friends have, but He is always there. I guess I forget that its not always about me. I do feel like no one takes me seriously in my family. I do want to leave, as soon as possible. Next year, after a year, I don't care when, just soon. I'm so sick of this. I just want to be far away from them.

This post was not originally intended to go in this direction, but I guess this has been my underlying reason. Freedom, independence are so close I can taste them, but not close enough for me to grasp them. I don't think these are wrong thoughts. I know I've grown up too fast. Life can do that to a person. And now they expect me to behave and have the same dreams and goals as other who have lived their protected, painless lives with complete security. I can't remember the last time I felt completely safe. Well yeah I can, when we visited Oklahoma. Maybe thats not the plan that God has for me but I know, I know that Minnesota is not for me. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who it holds. Quote: I know not what the future hold, but I know Who holds the future. And He never wants anything bad, He just wants to make my soul more beautiful, more like Him. And I'm willing to let Him do that because right now I don't feel like I have a beautiful soul.In fact, I feel pretty broken right now. Helpless, limited, not living up to my potential and right now, this is what God wants. I'm learning so many things. Self sacrifice, patience, holding back my remarks, humility, dealing with frustration, so many things! We've all been created so beautifully, so perfectly, there is no flaw with how we've been made. Every one of our characteristics is for a specific purpose and reason. One day, we'll find out why. Until that day, my silent tears will be invisible to my family. They will never understand the pain that they bring. I'd love to be the same as everyone, but I'm not. I'm me.

I don't care that she doesn't wear make up, I do. I don't care that she can sing, I can't. I don't care that she's home more, I try to do what I can. Its never good enough. For all those girls who are growing up without a mom, I'm feeling you. Its hard, having 3 guys in a family. You get so lonely. Maybe thats why God sent him into my life so early, because I need him. I need someone whom I can feel safe and protected with because I'm forgetting how that feels. Beautiful soul. Each one of us is a beautiful soul. You can ruin it, you can make it sparkle, its up to you. My soul belongs to my Savior and it can shine like no other. Each one of the tears that fall from my eyes just serve to chip away another hard part of my heart in order to make me perfect, tenderhearted, and loving. Each tear cleans away the dirt in order to make my beautiful soul more visible. Its hard but necessary and through everything all the glory belongs only to God.

Someday.

Its funny to look back and read over past blog posts. Its fun to do that with memories in life. When you look back at the path you've already walked on, things are so much clearer. Looking back on my anxious anticipation before the Oklahoma trip, I laugh a little to myself. I fully understand my feelings but now that its all happened, its a little funny to think about. The trip itself was a huge blessing. I absolutely love all the people with who I was with. I know they aren't perfect, but wow, they love each other so much. It was just so cozy to have about 20 people in the house, kids watching Russian tv and coloring, the men in the sauna, the women making the tea, and then us coming home from a fun filled day :) Everyone goes to relax, and the cycle repeats itself with us. Me and my love make tea while the guys sit at the table and chat. Then we all sit and just enjoy each other's company.

I have to admit I'm sure I loved it there so much because he was always there. And his family is absolutely amazing. Not just because of him, but quite a bit. He actually does seem to make my dreams come true. Maybe he is the prince who I've been waiting for, maybe he's not, but I can say that we've both grown in our love for God. He's not perfect, neither am I but there's something that binds us so closely together: our complete love and devotion to our Creator. I'm sure we would have had plenty of happy times together if we weren't believers, but knowing Jesus as our Savior makes everything so much more meaningful. I believe that right now, we're in the center of His will. My one desire is to keep God first, and when I do that, everything else will fall into place.

I'm coming to realize that life isn't really that great. There's so much horribleness in the world. People have no meaning in their lives. And when they think they do, its a shallow meaning which doesnt last. It makes me wonder how much love and patience our God has! He's a jealous God, because He deserves it. He wants to be our everything because He's the only one who can be our everything successfully. People make their families their priority, their jobs, happiness, whatever, and it never ever ever ends well. I guess its hard to realize but the carefree days of our lives are over. Responsibility covers everything. We will have to answer for every single dumb, evil, mean thing we did, do, and will do.

God isn't just the happy, loving, forgiving God. He will hold you accountable for every single rule that you've every broken. For every single time you lied, you'll have to pay with you life. Personally, I would need about a million lives to cover all my lies, and thats only lying. What about everything else that I do? Thats the side the so many "Christians" ignore. The fair side of God. He is everything, loving, merciful, kind but He's also fair, strict, demanding God. He likes order and structure. You will answer for everything you did.

I can just imagine myself on judgment day, when God starts reading off every single thing I've ever done, thought about, everything. There'll be the proud moments, when I did a good thing, but how many more bad things have I done! It'll be such shame, I can't even imagine. And yet, there's One who will be able to stand between me and the anger of God. On judgment day, when God will be reading off every thought of mine, and his anger will be building and building. He'll be as a judge ready to sentence a repulsive criminal to death, and the Jesus will step in, and God's eyes will immediately change into love. Love for his pure, innocent Son. And Jesus will hold me tightly and say, "All that you did before...its all gone. I erased it with my own blood and agony." and I'll become perfect, pure and spotless. It'll be as if I've never lied, never hated, never lusted, never angered, never swore, never anything. That will be one amazing day.

After I consider that, what is this life right now? Yeah, maybe its a little tough, maybe I'm worried, maybe I'm exhausted. But just a little bit left. The signs of the final days of mankind before the Rapture are everywhere. Both frightening and exciting. Frightening because it could be in a second, it could be tomorrow during 3rd hour, a week from now, 5 years from now, but it'll come. Exciting because after that I'll never worry again. I'll never be tired or sick, I'll never be cold. I'll see my grandma and grandpa's, I'll see mom, I'll see my friends, I can finally meet all the Biblical people whom I've read about. And at that moment, I'll know that every time I took a chance and shared my faith with someone, everytime I told someone about God's love for them, everytime they laughed at me, everytime they called me innocent, or stupid, it'll be worth it. I'm so excited to see everyone. All who accepted Jesus's sacrifice of death on the cross. Man, I can't wait.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna try to take as many people as I can. Its hard though. I hate being rejected. But I need the remember that the power isn't in the messenger, its in the message. My job is to tell people, God will do the rest. He does so much for me already, I know I can trust Him some more. I'm so excited to see how He will work in the future. What will be different, what will be the same. I know that whatever happens, it'll be beautiful. My story will be completely different than anyone elses. It'll have God's fingerprints all over it. It'll have mine, maybe it'll have his. All I know is that right now, I know I'm doing what God wants in the love situation. My main goal, is to have Him glorified. If I just keep focusing on that, He'll give me the love I've always wanted and never expected. Pretty great, right?

Pretty Unbelievable

Its unbelievable that in about 14 hours I'll be in Oklahoma. Anxious? Oh yes. But I'm also very excited. Just to see how everything turns out! It'll be much fun to write a reflection post for after the trip and compare everything. I must say that these trips actually teach me things. Right now, I've been praying more than ever because I really need God's blessing for this trip! It's been the only thing I can think about for about the last 2 days. Why do I need God's blessing? Well because I have no control over what happens, very little control anyways. But if I keep readjusting my focus, I'll remember that "hey, God is in control" and when He's in control, it will always turn out great! Even if this trip is horrible and nothing goes right, I want to be able to just say, this is what God wanted and in some way, its going to benefit me. I might never understand why, but thats what we have trust for!

I have to say that I haven't written about him in quite a few postings. I think I might as well considering I'll see him very soon. Thats about all I'll write because seriously, I have much more important things. If he's mine, God will provide. If he's not, God will show. Its pretty simple!

Mostly, I'm excited for the ride there. I love driving long distances because it gives me time to just talk with Jesus. Its actually one of the best times ever. And just seeing the the senery! Again and again, it amazes me to see the extent to how amazing is my God! Also, can't wait to get away from the family for a little bit. Even though they're coming with me, I'll be driving, lost in my own thoughts.

I love losing myself in my thoughts, its just so interesting to see where it goes. So very excited and nervous, but mostly just happy. Everything is a little rushed and tense here, so off we go :)

Tears.

Its times like these when we need a Savior. We need Him always but especially, when nothing else is left. I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand why. I don't understand the failures and disappointments that keep happening at times when we're at our lowest. I wish I understood. I really do wish I could just say, it'll all be better in the end. But I can't because it might not be better in the end. We try so hard to love our God and please others, live with a sincere passion and defined purity, yet these things keep happening and we don't understand. I do want to ask why, but I have no right. Who am I, a worthless little human, to demand an answer from the Creator of everything, the mighty Savior? And yet, I do! I ask why life is so unfair? Why does everything I do come right back and laugh at me? Why does luck seem to hate me? And most of all, why do You seem so far away sometimes?

I know the answer though. I can hear it in the silence of my own anger and frustration. He whispers quietly through my thoughts, through the rustling of the leaves, through the whistling of the wind. "Its to make you more loving, pure, and gentle". I asked for it myself. I asked God to make me more like Him, to help me love others more, to look on the inside not outside, to reflect all of God's love in my every breath and He will always give what I ask for.

Living in our padded, comfortable world of school, work, friends, family, we forget that there is a world out there. There are people who fight to live another day. People who dream about real food. People who are in need of His love. God needs to shake us up, remind us of how selfish we've become. "Not to us, but to Your name be the glory" What happened to that mind set? How easy it is to become occupied with the chain of tragedy that has been overshadowing our lives (I speak for myself anyways). We become so accustomed to all the privileges we get that actually get angry at God when He stirs us a little. Its so much easier to question God than to accept the fact that we need to change.

He ruined my trip plans, He sent me the wrong friends, He doesn't know how low my money is. How wrong that is. Why don't I instead ask why he sent my such amazing, spiritual supporters, such a sweet guy, such a house, and car and a million other things. Right now, life is at an all time low for me. It seems as if any good thing that comes into my possession is quickly taken away, my hopes brutally crushed again and again. And out of nowhere, God sends a little letter, a little text, an encouraging picture, or email and reminds me that He's still there. He knows, He sees, and He's saying just hold on a little longer, I promise you can make it through this. Right now, I feel like my reasons to smile, to even get up in the morning are dwindling by the minute, and yet, I know that tomorrow can be better. Being betrayed, being so deeply disappointed, being so scared about things you wish you could control: it all means nothing when I remember that this is all for a reason. Someday I'll see this is why I was feeling so abandoned, so low. I asked God to make me more like Him and He is just answering my prayer. He's giving me new chances every day to become less like my old self, and more like the perfect image of my amazing God. quote: If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. In order to have a real relationship with anyone, trust is essential. Well God, I'm gonna close my eyes and follow you because right now I'm in the darkness and You're the one with the light.

Wilting Flower

I have to say that I actually do feel like a wilting flower. I have so much energy at times, but overall, I'm just thoroughly exhausted. I need to reboot. Also, my headaches are starting to really worry me. I never used to have headaches, but now, its an almost daily thing. Occasional dizziness follows them. I'm too scared to go to the doctor because either its something really bad, or nothing at all. Maybe these headaches are with the coming of this new year and all these responsibilities and worries and I just really need a break.

School was extra tough this week. And combined with the weather, joblessness, moneylessness, and just being sick, no good results. To add on top of it all, the little brothers are turning into full blown teenagers with the arguements and everything. Having passed all that myself, I can stop them from doing some things and going to some places, but they don't understand. Its very frustrating. But you know what, I'll be ok. God has been doing some amazing things in my life lately. Like answering prayers. I have countless, recent stories of how God has been working in my life.

This month of September just flew by. Now its October already and my weekends are completely booked until November. Crazy right? I'm excited though! So much ahead. Probably the most amazing thing for me to realize lately is the fact that I understand my dad!! Even when he is yelling or lecturing me or just being parently annoying, I understand why! Its just a really weird thing but its helping me be a better daughter. I still have much to improve on, but what I've realized is that while he isn't perfect, he sure is smart! I actually wonder why I've never realized this before but my dad is so right! I know he's human, still makes mistakes, but wow, he's a smart guy. I guess life does teach you lessons.

I've also realized that most of our disageements were my fault and he was right in them after all. He is constantly lecturing about my lack of cleaning, and you know what, he is right! I need to do a much better job! Its hard to agree and calmly accept what he's saying sometimes, because my fiery nature is so similar to his and always wants to counter-argue what he's saying. And that is not good. But with God's grace and strength, I can learn.

Parents are actually the foundation for the rest of our lives. They are so important. And before any permanent lasting change can be made in our lives, the first should be good friendship with parents. And people, treasure your family. I can't even begin to describe the importance of that. I only hope God will teach me to be wise with my family. They are actually so so important.

Maybe this is why I'm so drained of energy. Big realizations like this! Times are so hard right now, but it will get better. The flower will bloom again :) I know it! But meanwhile, I need to step up and start learning how to live responsibly. Tomorrow is cooking and cleaning day with Bible study in the evening. Sounds absolutely perfect. Funny thing though: even half a year ago, I would have never ever written this. I never liked these things, cooking cleaning. My dad was too strict and my family too much of a burden. But as time as gone by, 6 months seems like a short time, but seriously, so much has changed. For the better too. I want to be a blessing in my family, and with my friends. In order to do that, I need to try. Favorite quote for today: God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. How true. If you have the desire, a real burning desire, God will give the the opportunities to do it, always. God has given me the opportunity to practice being a real friend, christian, future wife, and just loving God more: my family. My family is where real spiritual growth and change begins. I hope I can do it!

(side note: funny how I started talking about myself and problems, then ended up talking what I need to do to change)

Year of a Lifetime

I have to say that I feel like this will be the year of a lifetime. I really don't know why I feel that way, but I do. Something about each day is so special, so unforgettable. Already this year I have come to realize many, many things. My tastes and preferences are changing. My view on the world is changing. Everything is changing. Its a little unnerving but at the same time exciting. Its as if I've been walking on a little path(I prefer to think of a path through a forest or meadow) and as I'm walking I realize that I'm walking through a thick fog which enables me to only see a few inches in front of my feet. Suddenly I stop. At that very moment I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a precipice. Maybe it isnt a precipice, maybe its a river, maybe its some animal but its something that will change the course of my path. It will tell me exactly in which direction I will continue to walk, what factors will affect my path and most importantly, it will be something completely new. This might seem like an overly dramatic description to some, but its actually how I'm feeling.

Whatever happened today, tomorrow will be different. I know that this concept has been pounded into our heads from our very beginnings, but its true. I don't think that we realize the immensity of it. Every single day will be totally different from any of the other days. This is on the small scale though, day by day. What I'm talking about is big major events that will knowingly or not, influence the rest of my life dramatically. One word that comes to mind is immense. I think I'm begin to realize the expansion of our universe. The real size and significance of things and it scares me.

Our world is so deep, so beautiful, so indescribable. I'm not just talking about nature. I'm talking about our bodies, our mental processes, about humans in general. What a spectacular creation we are! And what a spectacular Creator we have. Sitting here in the silence of my thoughts, listening to the slosh of the cars driving by, I'm realizing so many things at once. One of my new favorite quotes can just about sum up my emotions: "When I admire the wonders of a sunset, my soul expands in worship of the Creator." -Ghandi. Thats what I'm trying portray. My soul expanding in worship of the Creator.

I love thinking of Him in that way. The Creator. It just makes it so personal because he knows every single cell of your body. He knows my weaknesses and my strengths. He knows the things I haven't even figured out about myself. And not only does know all that, but He put it there. He knows I'm human. I admit that lately I've been feeling like He's far away. Being at school can be downright discouraging sometimes. I like flashy, sparkly things. I like to be involved with everything. I like questionable music. And after school, I always think, you know, I could have all that. They seem so happy. Pep fests, coronations, parties, football games, I could be part of all that. But at what cost?

That is when I have to close my eyes and readjust my focus. A Bible verse comes to mind, its in Russian and I have no idea how it translates but its about focusing on the heavenly things not earthly. And being the kind of person that I am, its so hard. I've been there, I've done things I'm not proud of but what really hurts is that I'm not too ashamed either! I liked it! Some things I'd never repeat, but others I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like just giving in to the old desires. And then prayer kicks in.

Seriously, prayer is the best secret weapon ever given to a Believer. I find myself saying little prayers every now and then. I'd like to clarify that by "little prayers" I mean its little thoughts that I say to God. Things like "wow I need some help right now", or "that was amazing, thank You so much" and it helps me focus more. I know I mess up, I know I want things that clearly go against my beliefs and yet I try to stay as far as possible from all that because one day, it will be worth it.

Looking into the eyes of my Savior one day and seeing all that love toward me, it will all be worth it. I can imagine it. He'll know exactly how I felt at my lowest. He'll know exactly how I felt at my highest. He has felt all my pain, all my indecision, all my happiness and triumph. Looking into His eyes, I'll see it all reflected at me. Until that day, I have so much to live for. He is my everything and every microbe of my body is known to Him. How could I ask for more? He created me and gave me my friends, family, this amazing world around me; He gave His life for me; He gave me eternal life. The least I can do is strive to do my every breath for His glory alone.

Pure As Gold

I have so much to say but I actually can't figure out how to phrase any of it. Very unsual for a person like me. I guess its because I don't know where to start. Its just a circle of things that are all tied to each other and there is no beginning or end. Lets start with school.

To my utter suprise, I enjoy it. I absolutely love being loaded down with seemingly useless things to do. Maybe its because I know that I am getting smarter even if I will never use that piece of information in my life, its satisfactory to know that, hey I know this. I admit, not all of my classes are like this, some I loathe but the majority I actually do enjoy! Maybe this is all because I'm hoping with all my heart that I'll be able to do PSEO next semester. If not, it will be a great and sudden blow, which I think I'll get over anyway.

Another thing is work. I need it so badly yet all my attempts at getting a job are rejected. Others who seem to have much less of an urgency for a job, seem to get all the opportunities. Why do I need a job? No, not because I need clothes, although I do need winter gloves and a scarf and a nice church sweater. If I ever get a job, I doubt my money will be spent on clothes. First, I have about 10 birthdays coming up, as well as thanksgiving, christmas and new years. Also, I now officially pay for my own gas and I drive about 50 miles a day, at least. I also want to start paying for my own phone. And lastly, any other expenses that occur such as contacts, school stuff, etc, I want to pay on my own as well. I've been doing all that all summer and although I only spent maybe 2oo in clothes, (actually I bought shoes and a coat, so only 100 on actual clothes), it has been very liberating.

I guess thats really what I'm aiming at. Liberty. Freedom. Indepndence. I believe I'm ready for more reponsibility, and I want to take it all on me, but I just don't have the resources. I'm actually thinking about going and applying at a food place. I believe I will. Because, I hate asking my dad for money, I really do. It seems unfair to him and rude of me. What has this world come to? :)

As for this guy situation, I'm very glad that I tell my friends the minimum. Its just something not to be shared. And after the retreat, I got my answer, well what I thought was my answer. On the day I was fasting, God gave me a second answer. Now I can see how it all works. Truely its amazing. While I haven't completely shut him out of my life, I have become much more wary and focused on God instead of him. I actually can't wait until he comes just because I want to set things straight. Share my thoughts, and my decision. This time, I want us to pray. It will be impossible for me to get along with a guy who doesn't love God, doesn't have Him as the center of his life because thats what God is to me: everything. As a friend, as a human, he is an amazing, perfect companion for me but there are big issues that we need to straighten out when it comes to our friendship from the God's aspect.

Also, I've found that now that I get up earlier for the carpool deal, I actually have time to pray and read my Bible every morning. And wow, it has been such a blessing. I don't always understand why when I try so hard, God seems so far away sometimes. But one thing keeps me going:

"I know not why God’s wondrous grace

To me He hath made known,

Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love

Redeemed me for His own.

But I know Whom I have believèd,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’vecommitted

Unto Him against that day.

Its an amazing song and really it keeps me going. I really want to be an instrument of God, that He can use me in some amazing way that will bring Him glory. Another song that really means alot to me we used to sing in FBS:

God never moves without purpose or plan.
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long.
In darkness, He giveth a song.

O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake.
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.

That actually has been the song of my life. It actually has! And the best part is that its actually true! So when school gets so stressful, and my job quest is at a dead end, and my friends seem to be so much better, and i dont know what to do with my family and I'm about to give up; all I have to remember is that God is letting me go through this stressful time because in the end, I will be as pure as gold. He's just taking away all the extra layers of dirt and grime that I build up when I stray away from Him. I just need to keep my eyes on my Savior.

I actually can't imgine life for the people who don't know Jesus as their Savior. What do they do when life gets hard? When they feel abandoned, unloved, and alone? As people saved by the blood of Christ, we always have one light shining in the day or night, in the good times and bad, but other don't. Those are the people to whom we are sent to. Not because we're better or privileged, but because they are missing out on the best thing in their entire life. Accepting Jesus actually is life changing, nothing will ever be the same. And I love it.

Like the first song I posted, I've commited to Christ my life, my heart, my desires, emotions, goals, plan, failures, mistakes, happy times and sad times and I trust Him to take care of my until He comes and takes me home. Awesome right? Every believer(I dont like the word Christian too much anymore) has this amazing assurance in Jesus's ability to always love and protect, but also reprimand and discipline. Always for our benefit and not destruction. Now off to the real world full of family fights, homework, joblessness, indecisivness, insecurity, lonliness, unhappiness. Thankfully I won't have to handle any of those things alone, because I have someone much more powerful and all-knowing who can direct me in my choices. Slava Bogu.

Like a Million Raindrops.

Thats actually a line from a song, a song which I'd rather not remember right now. Its a great song, just not in the mood for it. I'm not sure what mood I'm in. One feeling really stands out though. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. Something new, something totally different. Our life is constantly changing, whether we notice it or not. But every once in a while, our life drastically changes. Not in any particular way, but we notice it and the people around us do too. I feel like that gonna happen. I have so much enegry but no way to release it! So I cook and clean and spend time with my family, and the weirdest out of all of this is the fact that I like it! I heard someone say that once that happens to you, you're probably gonna get married soon. To which I say, NOO!

Truthfully, it sounds absolutely wonderful though. To get away from here, or to just have him here. But either way, have a secure future more or less. Right now everything is so unpredictable. Again, it feels like I'm not good enough for anyone! People say looks don't matter much, its whats inside that counts....yeah well, good luck convincing me of that! I really want to be perfect for him. In every single way possible. Perfect looking, perfect personality, perfect home skills, perfect love for Jesus. Thats obviously unrealistic, I know, but nonetheless, I believe in it. This whole thing has me a little scared. I'm putting too much of him in my life, but not enough of HIM (get it? too much of my friend, but not enough of God).

I really really want a close relationship with God. I miss Him. When thoughts like these come, that why can't people just love me for who I am, what more do I have to do to be accepted, what am I doing wrong...I just remember that all these feelings were already previewed by Jesus. He knows exactly what I'm feeling and why and best of all, He knows for what reason. Again and again, "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose". And they do. Every single time I feel left out, like no one loves me, like all of my friends are better than me; all I have to do is remember that God is letting me experience this for a reason. Its really a comforting thought! Even though I feel so alone, I'm not. And not only is God with me, but He also knows where I'm going!

It literally makes my heart sing. Just how amazing, how awesome, how powerful is the God I serve. His presence is undeniable. How can people look outside and watch the pouring rain, hear the booming thunder and say that there is no God?! Just studying the way our veins take blood around our body, wow, its amazing. Brings me back to that message that we watched in camp. Look it up on youtube: Louie Giglio - Laminin.

Its amazing really. Its just a clip of the whole thing, but its a pretty powerful part. I guess sometimes we forget what really matters. Yeah it seems big that you don't get invited, that you might not fit completely with the youth, that he'll get tired of you; what really matters is living our every breath for the glory of God. Man, I sure have forgotten that lately. I got so caught up in my social life, that God had been slowly getting pushed back. I kept looking past all the little things that He kept doing for me. The little prayers He has been answering. I prayed for a good intense volleyball game, He gave me 3 awesome games. I prayed that the camp would leave me satisfied and happy, He gave me the happiness I never even expected. I prayed that God would let him visit so I could just see him, He gave me one of the best visits I've had with my friend. Just so many little things that make me so happy, and I take it all for granted.

Camp overall was awesome. I really liked it! The ending soured it, but oh well, thats what Russians are. It really depended on what you came for. The topic of the camp was Personal Relationships with God. Something I personally really had to hear. Also, him visiting for a few hours made it so much more special. The amazing talk we had and to spend time with some of his friends and my Karina. Speaking of which, she's the one I can look at and feel happy again! She doesn't have to be invited to all our group stuff, yet she's happy. Her life is finding its own course. I really could not ask for a better friend. She's shared the best moments of my life with me. And yet, there's so much about her that she doesn't tell the world. See, I want to be like that. I'm getting better at it : ) My friends don't know half the things that go on in my life. And again and again, I want to thank God for my friend. The special one. Our conversations aren't even about us most of the time, they're about our friends, family, lives. Thats so amazing. Helps with the whole pride thing too and lets us both find out so much about each other.

Our friendship has come to the point where I really do care about it. If he cut off all communication suddenly, wow it would hurt. Quite a bit. But I can honestly say that I haven't given away any emotional or physical part of myself. Thats the point of this friendship. And of course, its natural to miss a friend, or to be happy when they write, but not overly so. One problem is that I don't feel good enough for him. I can't say I have the best personality out of everyone(i have problems too) and he seems so amazing. I'm most definatly not the prettiest girl out there while he's riduculously handsome. He seems too good yet I can see his faults. And they make him seem all the better. He's my one ray of sunshine in the scary looking future. Oh and can't forget the family, from both sides : ) The stories...oh funny. You know, all in all, my life is great.

I will say that I've been through more in my few years than some adults will go through in their entire lives. And God did say He has an extra special plan for all the orphans out there. Maybe my friend is part of this extra special plan? How amazing that is. That God really cares. I really can't stop being amazed. People say that religion is for weak people and while that may be true for religion, its so not true for this. This isn't religion, its life. Its a happiness, a peace, a unearthly feeling of knowing you're loved and watched over and He's in control. Why in the world would someone want to discard this precious gift of salvation, I can't even comprehend that! I can just imagine how hard it is for unbelievers to understand. Its like trying to describe water to someone who's never seen or heard of it. How do you tell them that you can't live without it when they've never tried it. Our God is like that. It impossible to try some of Him and live without Him. Our souls were designed to search for a higher power, for a deeper meaning to life. God designed us this way in order for us to find Him. Pretty powerful.

Guess we'll end on a happy note today. Its gloomy,raining and cold outside, but Jesus knows. He knows that you're sad or frustrated or unloved. He has a perfect reason for letting you go through that happiness or sadness. It will all end up for good if we let go and say "Jesus, just gonna keep my eyes on You and trust You to make sense of this crazy life for me because I know I can't."

Whoaaa.

You know, like when you're riding a horse, and you say "whoaaa, to slow down"? Yeah thats what I mean. Also when you've just finished racing someone on a nice car, and you've won and you have adrenaline still rushing through your veins and you say, "whoaaa". Thats also what I mean. Another way is when you're sitting with your friends over a campfire and you look up at the sky and you go "Whoaaa". Thats another thing I mean. Just moments that take your breathe away, in the good sense and bad.

Let's do bad first, just to get it out of the way. I've come to realize that I am a form of a perfectionist in the way that I want to please everyone. I want to be perfect at volleyball, without a fault. I want to be a perfect example in church, with nothing for people to call out. I want to have the perfect friendship with all my friends (one in particular) so that God is happy with my efforts. I want to be a perfect sister and daughter. A perfect future wife, a perfect student. And all this seems within my reach, except not quite. No matter how much I try, there is always someone who says its not enough. And I'm actually at a loss. I can't be perfect, I know, but I can try. And I'm just confused. Am I trying too much or not hard enough? Leave it up to God. Haha, well yeah I have, but He also says I need to put a little effort of my own in. And lately I've been slacking off so much, I need to catch up! I have potential, I know and I want to use it to the fullest.

But blahh, enough about serious things. I'm not in a depressed mood, that was yesterday. Today is good : ) So about moments that take your breathe away! I love them, I'm sure we all do. Every single person has had a point in their life where they just take a deep breathe and go "whoaa". Thats been happening alot to me lately. A beautiful sunset can make me just blank out and go "whoa, God this is amazing". Nature has that affect, at least on me. I think because it brings us closer to the Creator in the pure, undefiled way that nature can be. Also, going fast. I will admit, I like flashy things. I like tinted windows and roaring cars. Racing other cars on the highway will make me feel undescribable. Like I'm in a spinning world of bright colors and it really does take your breathe away. Literally.

Also recently, there's another aspect that can take my breathe away. The way someone can smile at you. If you look into someone's eyes, really into their eyes. Thats actually a thing I can't do. I really can't look into his eyes because (I'm dead serious), I'd probably faint. I did it once and I actually got lightheaded and as I looked away, one thought: "Whoaa". And seeing him for the first time in over a month, it was like a gust of wind hitting me. Knocked the breath right out of me and it was another whoa moment. Haha wait till camp. The entire time there will be a whoa moment. Which is why I'm scared. Have too many of these moments and you start thinking you got something special. And why not? I've talked to all these couples and they agree and even support the idea. But I don't understand. It can't be anything special because that would make me the luckiest human being on this planet. And I don't deserve anything like that. I highly doubt that God would write this into my love story. But the thought still creeps up on me, "what if He did?" What if this is part of my love story? I just got goosebumps. Okaay, new topic.

More good news. I've noticed a change in me : ) Thats very exciting! I think its a change for the better too! We'll see. I just feel like this upcoming few months, year, whatever will be a lifechanging time for us(me and my friends). God will begin to show Himself in ways we never ever imagined. And its gonna be to us. I was pondering that at work today. Why in the world would the Maker of the stars care about messing with my love life? Why would He care if I was happy or not? Its not like I'm important. But then...to Him I am. Thats a humbling thought. That God who seems to have so much better things to worry about, would listen intently to my every thought, keep track of my every tear, and smile with my every accomplishment. Why in the world who someone ever do that!? Because He loves me. And this is where you begin to understand the concept of love.

After reading all those books, I feel like I know a little more about love and such. All I have to do is look at the cross though. Its a story that we know soooo well. Its just gotten old. I really don't know why, but recently its gotten so clear for me. I think I'm finally understanding the depth of the sacrifice God made. And its real. Its not just some story from 2000 years ago. I see it lived out by millions of people, millions of stories, millions of mistakes and millions of forgiven ones. Thats why I love those "whoaaa" moments. They pause time. They stop everything and just let you take in the beauty of God's majesty and power.

When I say "beauty of God's majesty and power", I'm not just talking about the early morning sunrises and the deep river valleys. I'm also talking about two people connecting in a way that neither has ever experienced. You can say, how does that have to do with God. It does, its all about Him. He created the need and longing for love. He created the fulfilling sense of joy when after a long wait, two people realize they're in the center of His will. When they can just look into each other's eyes, and have stories told to each other without anyone saying a word. God created that bond and He is sharing in your complete joy of every "whoa" moment. Thats awesome. What about the adrenaline rush "whoa"? How does God have to do with that? He does. He gave you that sense of reckless abandonment. Its part of his special plan for your very own personality. And He takes pleasure in seeing you enjoy His gift to you. You can expand on this so much more, but I'm too tired.

It literally gives me goosebumps when I realize that this spectacular feeling that has left me breathless is being felt by the Maker of our universe too. Kinda makes you feel special, right? And small. Like the song: "Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?". Well, He cares because of what Jesus did. Because His Son willingly came and took all those sins and died for them. Thats a vague statement. Hmm, you know that guilty feeling you get after you do something bad, something really bad? Well every single person's guilty feeling of every single bad thing that they did(think of all the murderors, the pedafiles, the prostitites), all those guilty feelings were loaded on Jesus, at once. Just imagine that. I can't. Its too much, but it happened. And while all those feelings were pressing down on Him, God turned away. Its like having the best friend of your life leave you at your worst. Meanwhile, that entire time, He was saying your name and saying, this is for you. He was picturing your face. Intense. But real.

That why these "whoa" moments are so special. Because at that very second, God is smiling and saying this is because I love you so much. See this is why I'm eternally thankful that God sent him into my life. Because of moments when I can see how much God loves me. He wants me to be happy. Thats new! He just wants me to close my eyes and let Him write my love story. I'm trying. So far, its better than I ever imagined. And this might not even be the real love story of my life. Wow, what a thought! This is amazing, but it gets better?

You know, it really doesn't matter whether it gets better or not. Jesus is the one I need. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life for me, willingly! And He doesn't care what I've done, where I've been, He just wants me to keep my eyes ahead and looking straight at Him. Ahh this is why I can't wait to see him. To share some of this stuff(not too deep) and to hear what he has to say. How can people not have something to talk about when we can just talk about our Creator? (not saying we ever ran out of things to say,ever). Another thing is many people have told me that God has something special in store for me, and that preacher says said that orphans(full or half) always get extra special blessings from God. Thats probably my one hope. That maybe all this random stuff wasn't because I'm an extra bad person. Maybe He just has something special in store. Oh how I'd wish for it to be true.

In "When God Writes Your Love Story", it talked about how every single person will have to go through some period of lonliness before God will bring them their Prince/Princess. Well, been there, done that. But the one thing I cannot do is feel like I deserve something. Because I don't. Alright, I literally just ran out of steam. Not literally, but my brain literally just stopped thinking intensely. So I guess that's it for today : )

Going Backwards

I was actually thinking about my blog all day today! Weird right? I think we have an addiction forming! Maybe this addiction will last and I'll successfully keep this going. I doubt it. I lost interest quickly. But anyways, I was reading through some of the older posts, going backwards. Starting from the newest post and moving back. And what I realized what a progression of life. It was actually really cool to read. I also realized I am a bit of a control freak. Not good. But I can understand why. Most things in my life I have had no control over, especially all the bad things that happened to me as a kid and now that I have gained some form of independence, I want it all. I want to make sure that no matter how bad things get, I will always have enough control to stay happy and be as little affected by that situation as possible. Sadly, it never works that way. I will never ever be able to have the control that I want because only God has that kind of control. But thats really not where I was planning on going with this post.

I was planning on talking about him. Surprise, surprise. Well starting at the post after the wedding, these are my exact words:

"I really cant figure out what, but there was something extra special going on. I really cant say what though, just have no idea. But this weekend was amazing in some kind of extra special way. And not because of the handsome stranger either."

And I go on to write about how I bet I'll get sick of from after a week to a month. Well hunnie, the day after youth camp ends, it'll be exactly 3 months. Weird, right? I don't want to jump to conclusions of any sort, but its interesting to see how in every post following that one, there is a little more, little more and little more about him until this recent post was completely and totally about him and how confused I was and blah blah blah. Now I'm sounding like a little child, and I have whole diaries of stories like this actually. I fell "in love" quickly and deeply as a kid and young teen. Its amusing to read, as I believe in 4 years this will be an amusing post to read. Or maybe not. A little tiny though kinda made its way into my head and it said "What if God, in his infinate love and mercy, has chosen to let you meet your prince so early in your life?" First of all, that plain and simple, scares me! And then it warms me to think that maybe its true. After all, everyone's love story is different. Maybe this is mine. But another thing to consider is age. I actually think that maybe I might be a little more grown up than others my age because of my past experiences, but on the other hand, I have a little wilder side than most.

But maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of rewarding? hmm, not a good work. Maybe making up for? no, still not really, ok, recompensing for the crazy childhood which I didn't get to enjoy. And the teen years which are still rather harder for me than for others. Maybe He, who created this fairytale loving soul, has given me the gift of the fairytale? It seems too good to be true! Why would I ever deserve something like that? Its every girl's dream( i think?). And whats so good about me that God would give me mine, especially so early in life.

One thought just occured to me, what if God is preparing me for some remarkably horrdendous times in the future? After all, Grandma is really sick, dad isn't doing that well, its the Poslednie Vremya(Final Days before the Rapture), my lil bros are just growing up, I need LOTS of money for college and gas and life, the economy sucks and every Christian knows that it WILL get worse before it gets better. What a way to rain on any happy princessy thoughts of love that anyone was having previously. Oh dear.

I actually think this is the reason. Well, "trust and obey, for theres no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". A song that we used to sing in elementary school. Hmm, there's another song about worrying about the future but I can't think of it. Well, either way, I sure don't have much control over this (like thats new...) and again, it all leads back to God and the cross. Its a sobering thought, to think that hey, we're living in the final days of this world. Not the final days like our parents thought, but the actual final days. We have proof of that because of the prophecies from Revelation(and others) coming true! Sure makes our problems seem pretty small compared to the big picture.

Speaking of small problems, one of the million reasons why I'm so unwilling to believe that this might be it, is because it doesn't make sense why he picked me! I'm so afraid that he'll come to our youth camp and realize how much prettier, more talented, thinner, smarter, better other girls are and he'll look at me, and wonder what in the world he's still doing here. And he'll leave. That sucks, but it has to be done. I really want to see him interact with other people, and see how he responds to my interaction with others. Because if he's really mine, God will make him mine no matter what. Well, intense prayer is needed of course.

Blah I'm sick of all this. Well, that was a lie, no I'm not but I don't think its healthy to be constantly dwelling on love and such. Better things to do, like enjoy life! This age, is seriously the best. The summer was a turning point, the spring was unbelievable, can't wait for fall and winter. We're serious enough to enjoy seriousness, yet we're young enough to have hilarious moments of craziness. "To everything there is a time and season". How very true. This is our time to devote as much of our energies, breaths, thoughts, everything we have to serving God as young people on fire for Jesus. If we focus all our attention on Him and Him only, He will give us "the desires of our heart". Not even in a love way, in a friendship way, in a academic way, in a economic way, in an emotional way. He has never left anyone who trusted in Him, leave empty handed and broken.

How amazing. Just sit for a second and think about it. How small we are in comparison with the world. And not just the physical world, but take the spiritual world into consideration. In the midst of all this, God is watching your every heartache, every joyful moment. He knows every tear that has fallen from your eye, whether from happiness or sadness. He personally decides whether this tempatation is too hard for you, or whether you're ready to recieve this blessing, or this one, whether you need some extra comfort from the Holy Spirit or whether you need a little reprimand. When you think of that in this context, you wonder why in the world would I ever want to take matters from His all-knowing and powerful hands and put them into my selfish, clumsy hands.

I just read the book of my life so far, "Boy Meets Girl" and this is a quote from the last chapter: "You won't do any of these things because in heaven, you'll see and know the perfection on His plan for you. It won't be theoretical. It won't simply be a promise in the Bible. You'll see it as the undeniable fact that it is." Also, about love: "It's a simple story really. Two people learning to trust God. Two winding paths that God made straight. Two straight paths that he chose to cross at just the right time. "

Its a really amazing book, I recommend it to anyone and everyone. Its just so simple and deep and practical and real! I love it. Wow well, this has been long. I guess I was in a philosophical mood : ) Its so simple, yet so comlicated. Its so real, yet seems too good to be true. Good thing we're not alone, this would be waay to much to handle!

Oh Dear, This is Too Much.

This past weekend was really like a page out of a fairytale book. Everything was perfect, literally. Thats so rare and looking back, I'm so amazed. God was showing himself so so many times. And now I need His help in controlling this fairytale so it doesn't get too out of hand. Right now I'm listening to the song "Future Love" by Kristina DeBarge and its so confusing. I agree with her, but it sounds like what I already have! And that confuses me more! And to a person who is confused easily...this is bad. Right now, my lack of trust in God and my overabundant trust in man is so clearly evident.

He seems perfect. Not as a human, but as a person after my own heart. Our goals are the same, our faith is the same, our intentions are the same(i think?), our trust in God is the same, and yet, its too same. I'm actually so frustrated right now I'm about to burst into tears. Drama queen. Oh well, but it really does mean alot to me. I REALLY don't want a broken heart and really I feel thats what will happen. I'm trying to trust God but its so HARD! I miss him. I really do. Especially after our last night escapade, I just want to see him again so bad.

You know you're becoming attatched when you cry. Although in my case, ANYTHING makes me cry so no suprise there. But oh my goodness, I do believe I'm falling. Not what I had in mind! I was supposed to forget about him after about a week, whats going on here!? And it can't be real love, it just can't. And I'm way too young to even be thinking about this in any deep future sense. And I'm not! But it feels like having your best friend move away! Just you know the one person that brings a smile to your face when you see them.

I just really need God's help. I don't want to let my emotions take control of my level-headness. I don't want to hurry things up when maybe they aren't meant to even be. So many people are saying that this is only temporary, there's so many more things coming my way and they're right! They have to be, because if they're wrong, then this is too good. He can't be the one and only. Eww, that doesn't even sound to great. He can't be the one for me. Yeah that pretty much sums it up. Why can't I just pray about it and let it go, trust God to do His work in us? Because I'm human. And I dramatize everything. But seriously, this feels big, much bigger than anything before. It also feels out of my control.

The princess part of me wishes so much that this could be real and forever while the reality part of me realizes that it probably isnt. The old me wants to take this into my own hands, make it work no matter what, while the new me knows that I need to keep praying and leave it up to God. Big battle? Oh yeah. Writing it out makes it seem so much rational...and complicated! I'm just so thankful that I have friends who can give me intense reality checks every once in a while.
Like at the bonfire on Sunday, wow I almost died of happiness when we were all just gathered and talking and just supporting each other(just us girls). Mashka, karina, ellie, man those especially are the ones that I really could not live without. I have a feeling that Evelinka and I will have quite a bit in common seeing as to what is going on with our love lives and the funny wat they're connected. It'll also give us a better chance to see where we're putting God in all of this.

Oh I feel so much better! Maybe its because he texted. Maybe because I realize that I'm not the only one with problems. And maybe its because I have the best support group in the world. Us 8 are never to be seperated. And plus Karina thats 9. I can't wait to see whats in store for us! Already me and Evelinka are having wars in our hearts against what we want and what we know we should do! I just hope her guy ends up being as inspiring as mine. He actually encourages me to love Christ more. And shows me how little I love and trust Him now. So no matter what, already he's influenced me positively.

I'm so excited for this end of summer, fall, winter to see where God takes us as we turn 17, almost 18 by next year. What changes, what stays the same and how much Jesus has done and will do for us and in us. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by other amazing, supportive people in times when I need it. People who can critisize and uphold, argue and comfort and just be there for you in different ways. One thing I'd want to give everyone is a bunch of good friends like mine. I can actually say mine are the best! Really. And once I go to college(this year or next, we'll see) we can spend even more time togather. Although we don't really hang out or talk that much during the weekdays now that I think about it.

Ahhh I feel so much better. Wow, this helps. I still miss him, especially looking at that rose standing on the dresser. But you know what, I'll be ok. I'm a reslient person. I've learned to get hurt, and bounce back quickly because otherwise, I'd be shattered to the point of no reconstruction. And of course on the very top and in the very center is our God who just asks that we trust Him.

Sunshine

I love sunshine. I really do. I'm one of those people whos mood really is influenced by sunshine. ALOT! Well, its amazing outside. Sunny and a little windy. Not too hot and not humid. Perfect.
I started my day off at work with a pleasant suprise. A little farmer from a little country who is one of the most good looking people I've ever met. I had another suprise waiting for me. A GIANT spiderweb in the bad of potatoes which I didn't notice until I fell right into it...that was pleasant. Otherwise this day has been amazing.

I have an unbelievable craving for some McD's sweet tea. Or anyone's sweet tea really. Hopefully I'll find one on my way home from work, otherwise I'll just stop at dairyqueen or something. Really thirsty. Its been a good day at work. Sold lots of corn, as that is our main goal. I'm not in a very talkative nor contemplative mood, so I doubt this will be long.

Valleyfair was amazing yesterday and the park after. Happy birthday to Yosif and Paul. Love them both to no end, amazing cousins. And I'm super excited for this weekend! Mainly Saturday. Someone I really want to see it coming! And I really need to have a nice talk with him. For those who know me at all, they will be able to tell you that I get sick of things quickly. I like change, not for everything but in the overall sense. Also, I'm try to keep my mind and my feelings away from him because I still think he's too good to be true. My heart has never been completly really broken, just cracked. This guy, has the potential to really break it. Break it so hard that it'll never look the same and I really don't want that. Thats why if it seems as if I'm not that in to him, I am, I'm just trying to ignore it for the sake of my heart. I don't know if I can survive this craving for some sweet tea. I have some tea in the car, but thats too hot for right now.

I don't know, really don't have much to say. I mean I do! I just don't really have any desire to express it. Maybe tonight once I get a chance to really relax for the first time this entire week. All I can do is trust God with our relationship and my future, our future togather and I know that it'll work out just right. Meanwhile, I'll pretend I don't care about him that much but be secretly dying of anticipation to see him again.

Either way, its all out of my control. And for some reason, that doesn't worry me a bit. I like this deal : )

Freezing to Death

Ahh what a cheery title to this post. Well, contrary to how the title sounds, I'm actually having a spectacular life at the moment. Not at this very moment exactly, but in the other moments, in general. At this very moment, I'm sitting at work, in a little open hut, waiting for someone to buy my fruits and vegetables. The wind is so ferocious today, and the lake is this steely gray color, almost matching the sky. The sky is that bright kind of whiteish gray that hurts to look at, yet there's no sun. The formation of the clouds over the lake is beautiful though. Indescribable as well. My only wish is that it was warmer. Much, much warmer. Oh well : )

My cousin from WA is visiting. Sitting at work with me. Its so relaxing here, gives you time to think. And this windy, gray weather is a great set-up for some really deep thoughts. There's too many to share, and I don't think I want to share them all. God has really been showing Himself these past few days, week maybe. Just in little things that make me think more about Him.

That one guy. I'm scared to really expect much from all of this, but can you just imagine how amazing would it be if he was for real? Especially to a girl living in a fairytale like me. But its all up to God. I really can't see such an amazing guy like him, waiting for a simple girl like me. But miracles happen. One thing that all of this has been teaching me is to trust on God. Its such a simple concept but then once you think about it, its not. How hard is it to trust God with everything? Not just the things that you think you should, not the little things, not the big things, but everything. Every thought, every action, every breath. And meeting this guy has actually been teaching me that. I find myself constantly praying about him. Just little stuff, like while I'm driving home, I'll just ask God to bless him at this very moment. And then I'll continue my conversation with God. And you know what, it has brought me closer to God.

Its been pointing my faults out and my weaknesses. Its been helping me just meditate on God. And most importantly, its been showing me God's hand in every little thing. Thats amazing. I can actually never run out of words on this topic. The older I get, the more passionate I get about my Jesus because the more things He keeps doing for me. Its so hard to describe but its so visible in the little things. Just the one fact that God gave me this guy is already a blessing in so many ways. I want to make it clear that I'm not hopelessly and deeply in love and just enamored with him. Nothing like that at all. Its more like someone offering you a blanket on a cold cold day. Wow, what a bad example. But well, think about it. Maybe instead of a blanket...its a friend who has a blanket! Yeah thats better, companionship and warmth and you can see that someone cares.

Its so amazing to know that God cares about me. That no matter what I do, I am his child forever. I can mess up my life to the extent that no one will want me, but God always will want and love me. And its all connected. The fellowship with my friends, an awesome volleyball game, an especially pretty flower, a good day at work, a kind work from a friend, a wink, warm tea on a cold day, it all leads back to God. You can ask, how in the world does it? Well, I'd love to explain for each and every example. Just ask me. But don't be suprised where me train of thought ends up.

On a day like today where the wind is furiously whipping at every living thing, where even the green leaves on the tree look grayer, where the clouds are menacing and the lake in white frothing waves from the wind....its a warming thought to know you have a Savior and Protector in heaven watching you, keeping you safe. Being happy with you, sad with you and in complete control of your life, knowing that if you just try Him, everything will end up perfect. He promises.

Fairytale.

Thats the name of the song I'm listening to. The winner of Eurovision 2009, Alexander Rybak from Norway sings it and oh my goodness, what an amazing song, what an amazing singer, and what an amazing performance. PLEASE look it up on google: Fairytale by Alexander Rybak. I promise you will not regret it. Well thats a little bit how life seems like recently. A fairytale. Not necessarily in the love sense though, not at all. Just everything else.

I have work tomorrow and then off to kid's camp on wednesday morning. I'm so excited for work! If I had a little bit company then it would seriously be like taking a vacation everyday. Although I'm getting a really funny tan on my legs from my shorts. I come home really tired after so much time in the sun, and just walking around and I'm not sure why. So much left to do for kid's camp, I'm unbelievably excited, but at the same time really anxious. Ahh it'll be all good : )

I'm in a very relaxed and laid-back mood at the moment. Maybe that song had that effect on me, I don't know. I must say that he is part of my good mood! Today during work I was reading "Thinking outside the box and Inside the Book" and there was that verse there about God ALWAYS giving us a way out of a temptation. Which made me think of him. Not saying he's a temptation of any sort really, just not someone I usually associate with closely, especially this closely. And weirdly enough, I think the very very few church friends that know about him are have more girlish assumptions(not the word really, but close enough) than I do. I'm actually acting much different than I'd except. I guess I just really don't want to wake up and be disillusioned by what he really is. So far, he's not perfect, no way, but well he seems to be someone I'd like to get to know more. But enough about all that : )

So I've been in a random constant angry, weird mood and Ellie commented on it Sunday night and today reading that book, the author mentioned how one of the side-effects of pride is anger. And oh my goodness that hit home. Everyone knows my battle with pride(Tim squared Bible study inside joke) but recently ive been having crazy doses of pride. So I'm trying to wind down.

And especially in the past few days, God has been showing Himself in these numerous ways all throughout my day! Maybe some people it would matter to but for me, I think its really important. Like when I sent out the Bible verse, the replys I got back were amazing. And on my way to work, I heard a random sermon thing on the radio and ahh it was so encouraging and really tied in with all thats going on. Then sunday was just so evident that Jesus was caring for me. And today, when I opened up for work, there was a Bible verse written on the white board. A verse from Psalm. Turns out the other lady who works is a Christian and ahh just amazing. Its the little things that really make up the big picture.

And the little things are adding up to make up a pretty amazing masterpiece. That reminds of the song, "Fingerprints of God". Theres a few lines that are "And I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at you...you are covored with the fingerprints of God". That is so true. I've decided that I'm gonna try to be more of a skeptic, they're actually a good thing. Ask God to show me, so I can see all the miracles. So I can unserstand what He's talking about. So I can see the little things. I'm just really happy with the way that life is going. I know that it can't always be good but I really would LOVE if everyone read that book that I mentioned before. I have it, I'd love to loan it. I know the author personally, really good friends with his kids. And its an amazing book.

God still has so much to do in me. I still put myself first, pride comes so quickly. I still need to see things through the eyes of others. Stubborness is always there. I need more responsibility. But you know, I know that everything will be ok. "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Thats the verse that really ties it all up. God will provide. Maybe I'll have to wait, maybe He has something that He needs to teach me before it can happen, but in the end, I know that if I close my eyes and let Him lead, that I'll never fall, never to get up. I'll always be able to get back up because when I can't walk, He'll be there to carry me. Yay ending on a happy note today.

So Olenka is coming soon. My amazing WA cousin :) Wedding on Sunday, dad is so cute, all excited to bond with his Oklahoma fishing buddies. And well I'm happy that he's excited about them. Kid's camp is promising, I love the girls in my group, I know most of them very well. Great bunch of counselors. Baptism coming up, congrats to those who pasted the church test. I am SO excited for baptism next year, I think I'll be ready by then. It's probably the biggest thing you'll do in church except for get married. Weddings, cousins, volleyball, camps, work, friends, life....ahh how wonderful. I just need to not get carried away. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." One of my favorite songs. So true.

Summer is amazing. I have so many stories. I need God's blessing so so much for the rest of summer. I miss our missionaries, fourth of july just wasnt the same without them and their awesome cars and just them. Come home! Ahh and then one more group is leaving to Georgia(the country) soon too. Tima, Victor, Roma, Max, Natasha, thats the few that I know forsure. What in the world are we going to do when they leave? Ohh, we get to lead. Vopa, that will be something. Like I said, God's blessing is all we need, ever. But an extra special blessing for the next few months : )

Work. Clean. Pack. Shower. Sleep. Camp.


Here we come!

Struggles. Again.

Summer is absolutely wonderful but what are these random weird moments going on?! So me and my father have been really not communicating well which is just not normal. We've always been on such good terms all the time. Maybe it's because I'm keeping the secret from him. I'd tell him but he's just so narrow minded, and old fashioned, not even giving anything new a chance. I could never tell him, he'd just blow up. And I guess I was out late last night, but why didn't he even call me once. I would have come home right away, I thought they had forgotten about me. I think its because I'm growing up a little more and he can't accept it. And maybe I'm not doing it right. AHH, its just such a big annoying problem. Hopefully it'll work out soon because in the next few weeks, I'm gonna be home even less.

I've also found it harder to read my Bible daily and pray. I always do it before I go to sleep, but for the past few days, week even, I've stopped both reading and praying. Thats so bad for my spiritual growth but something is missing! I think its because I'm reading about David and I'm supposed to take notes on that section of the Bible for camp. So I need to hurry up and finish this section and go back to my normal life.

I've also gotten really messy. I have absolutely no desire to clean my room, my house. Maybe its because my father is constantly nagging me about it. Well, about my room. If he said to clean the kitchen, I'd do it! But he never does. Its so hard being the only female in this household! I'm really about to just blow up from all this. And Im on a big big money shortage.

Work was supposed to start on Friday, but something didn't work out, so now I'm stuck with no money and no work. And my father is refusing to give me money. Well thats a lie. He gave me 60$ to buy him a shirt and 20$ for gas. The shirt cost 80$. So now i don't have any money and any gas. And he's not speaking to me this morning because I came home at 10:30 last night. I REALLY wish he could give me a curfew. He doesn't!! And then gets mad when I come home past whatever time he feels was too late.

A good relationship with parents is the basis for a happy life. Because as soon as me and my dad started to not get along, the rest of my life started to fail as well. This should be a time of such spiritual upheaval and happiness but its the opposite. I think the devil is sending everything possible to ruin our lives right now. Our missionaries left for Russia, Georgia, the other countries, yesterday and wow, 6 of my cousins left. I miss them all so much already! They are doing such a big work and I know Satan would do everything possible to ruin their efforts. Also back home, my church's kids camp is coming up, and I seriously can not start preparing for this. I think that's Satan's work again, trying to sabotage all work that will be done for God's glory and the good of the kids.

Either way, I need to get my game up. I just really need to break free of my house. I'm feeling trapped every time I come home! Thats neither normal nor good for anyone. But I don't know what to do. Hmm, let's start by cleaning and then see what happens. And praying, I miss it so much and now with all the missionaries gone, my prayer list has doubled. I can't let some minor problems ruin my summer for God and for myself.

As a side note, I noticed that all these problems have really come crashing down on me as soon as I began my closer contact with my friend. Myabe he's not good for me. But I really don't think so. I actually think he's God's blessing. Well, time will tell. Meanwhile I'll try to get my life back on track. I know I'm not perfect, some of this is definately my fault. And its nice to see that I'm still human, still have problems. The one difference is that I have an amazing God who will do everything needed to help me get back to serving Him wholeheartedly. Otherwise, I'd never ever be able to fix my life and would never have the happiness I am given. Wow this verse just popped into my mind: "To whom much is given, of him is much required". Oh wow, thats the answer to my problems!

See thats exactly how amazing Jesus is. He gives an answer right away. I'm having all these problems because He kept blessing me again and again yet I'd just live my life the same way. I don't have enough discipline in my life. Well, there you go. Life has just begun to return to normal! Yay : )

Your Grace Still Amazes Me.

It was one of the songs I was listening to in the car today and it just keeps getting stuck in my head. Its a song by Phillips Craig and Dean and oh my it just made me all fuzzy and happy. Just the past few weeks have been undescribable. I'll try to describe them but it won't even come close to what really happened and how it felt.

So camp was amazing. God was so clearly visible in it! It was like a cold glass of spiritual water on a hot hot day(like today). Just being around other counselors who love God so so much and watching Jesus touch the kid's hearts, it was just beautiful. There's so much more that I can say about it. Some things are best not said but if someone asks me, I'd love to tell the story in more detail. The theme of camp was The Rapture. Seems like a pretty intense theme for kids, cuz even I don't fully understand it. But wow, it was perfect. And its so true. God can come any second.

While its so scary to think that, its also kinda happy. I was talking to one of my girls as we walked back, asking her if she would go to heaven when Jesus came. And Slava Bogu she said she was. I'm really excited to keep praying for my girls and see what amazing things God has in store for them! Anyways, our conversation made me think. We were walking to singing time and as everyone was singing some awesome little song, I started thinking. And it was amazing. Just thought of how this wonderful time we're spending togather, praising God togather, in the amazing atmosphere of such undescribable love; thats gonna be heaven. Forever. And wow I almost started crying. Just the wonderful friendship that we all have, knowing the extent to which we all love our Jesus. Ahh it was just indescribable. Pictures on facebook!

So that was that. And the wedding was good too. I don't really wanna say too much about it in order to not encourage useless thoughts but oh my goodness I hope he's for real. Went to the mall today. My amazing 60 year old cousin and I did some shopping and then my friend came. And she let us have some time by ourselves. That just made her be so much more amazing in my eyes. But I'm not sure what to think about him. There's so much that I like, yet theres a bit that I don't like. And also, I really am not a big fan of broken hearts and he is fully qualified to give me one. So let's just focus on other things instead and keep praying for God's will. Because I will just mess up my heart and my life if I try to do things my way, but if I let God take control, He will make everything work.

So summer is going amazing.

Inside a Person

Inside of us, there's so many things! I'm currently speaking from a physical viewpoint. Can't wait to take biology and anatomy! The human body is so complex and everything somehow functions as a whole. Proving again extent of our God's power. But I'm a little worried about this whole human body. The immune system is of special interest to me now that I seem to not have one anymore. I know that, yeah, if I didn't have an immune system then I'd be dead within seconds but man, it sure seems like I don't have one anymore. I get sick so so so easily. And it really slows me down, which is extremly frustrating. Now that summer is basically here, I typically have a limitless amount of energy...but not now. I barely have enough energy to think, not to mention speak or walk! VERY frustrating! My days take so much energy because its just impossible not to. I'm usually pretty upbeat and tend to bounce around everywhere instead of walking in the summer, but I can't!!! AHHHH. I can't even explain how annoying it is to be so listless and sick!

So many plans coming up that I really can't afford to be sick. Too many people are counting on me to come through with my plans, and personally I do need to get everything done. Also, I am on the way to getting a black eye! Another lovely addition to my already crazy life. I'm not sure what its from because I'm always bumping into things, but I think its from a volleyball. And I have so much due!!! Last official day of school tomorrow, life is just closing in on me it feels like. And I'm running out of breath(literally and metaphorically)! But you know...this is all a lesson.

The lesson is that I need to rely on God more. I like to be in charge of my life. I like to know whats happening, when its happeing, who will be there, what I have to do, etc. I'm trying to be a little more in the shadows and quieter, but ahh I like control. Which is why I need to marry someone who can control me! Just say no :) My dad has no learned to say no to me very well, or maybe he just knows what he's doing. Seriously, parents are SO smart. Maybe not all, but wow, my dad is. Maybe not always, but he knows what I'm thinking half the time! Thats why I never get away with anything.

But back to God being in control, I get off topic so easily. I recently slacked off on my Bible reading and had close to no prayer life. Then I started dying. The horrible cold. The random stomache ache. The black eye. The pressure of school. Pretty sure God knows that I needed to slow down and give Him control and the only way to do that was to slow me down physically. One of the verses I sent out recently was the God gives strength to the weary. Well God, I'm pretty weary. Actually I passed weariness a loong time ago. Much more than weary now. It took me a while to acknowledge the fact that hey, maybe God is trying to get my attention throught this chain of unfortunate events. And I believe He was trying to get my attention. Well, He got it! Just makes me sort of ashamed that I keep falling away from Him. Not completly detaching but I stray away from having a close relationship with Him.

And then when someone asks how I know that my Jesus is real? Well, its stories like this! But how do explain it? Actually Ms. Tholen gave a great example today. Charles did a speech on religion and wow, the video he showed was some Pentocostal/Charismatical kid's camp and wow, it was horrible. But thats not my point. My point is that faith is believeing in something when you have absolutly no proof that it exists. Jesus is real, He does reach out to people and talk to us through events like this. When we dont pay attention to His soft voice, He uses more drastic measure like making us so sick we're almost immobile!

And on top of all the physical properties inside our bodies, there is also a myserious and complex web of spiritual and mental properties. Thats another thing I find fascinating, the way people think. The different ways thought form and progress, the different core beliefs, the way beliefs are formed and influenced; its all just so fascinating. I love people. Both the physical structure of all the veins,cells, and muscles and the thoughts, emotions and reactions. Everyone is so different and precious. Especially though, I love the way kids think. The purity of emotions is so beautiful. And the sad thing is, that purity is being lost and a younger and younger age as the culture progresses. Its sad but I know there's one thing I can do: show them God's power and the complete joy at being His child. I know that thats the one thing that helped me stay grounded in my faith. A deeply imbeded love of Jesus from my childhood thanks to my mom and dad.

And I'm kinda beginning to realize that really, looks aren't much in a person. The physical properties are amazing, yes, but they make up so little of who a person really is! Took my a while to realize this, but really personality does matter! A person who has God in their life will always be beautiful. Haha maybe I'm going down this train of thought because at the moment, I look horrible and feel horrible as well. It'll all be over soon though, I hope. I have so much to do. And I really think the reason why I keep adding and adding things to my schedule of life is because I need to be constantly doing something. Missionary work is definately my passion. All these camps are just preparing me for the real job. Its not just about teaching the kids, its also about learning for myself. Learning patience, love, kindess, meekness, dependance, the camps all have so much to teach everyone! Which is why I'm so excited.

Seriously, now that I'm really really sick, the one thing that gets me up in the morning is knowing that I'm one day close to my camp! And soon I can catch up on my sleep as well! Eventhing will even out. If only this black eye would hurry up and heal...But nonetheless its nice to know that everything will be ok in the end : )