Truthfully, it sounds absolutely wonderful though. To get away from here, or to just have him here. But either way, have a secure future more or less. Right now everything is so unpredictable. Again, it feels like I'm not good enough for anyone! People say looks don't matter much, its whats inside that counts....yeah well, good luck convincing me of that! I really want to be perfect for him. In every single way possible. Perfect looking, perfect personality, perfect home skills, perfect love for Jesus. Thats obviously unrealistic, I know, but nonetheless, I believe in it. This whole thing has me a little scared. I'm putting too much of him in my life, but not enough of HIM (get it? too much of my friend, but not enough of God).
I really really want a close relationship with God. I miss Him. When thoughts like these come, that why can't people just love me for who I am, what more do I have to do to be accepted, what am I doing wrong...I just remember that all these feelings were already previewed by Jesus. He knows exactly what I'm feeling and why and best of all, He knows for what reason. Again and again, "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose". And they do. Every single time I feel left out, like no one loves me, like all of my friends are better than me; all I have to do is remember that God is letting me experience this for a reason. Its really a comforting thought! Even though I feel so alone, I'm not. And not only is God with me, but He also knows where I'm going!
It literally makes my heart sing. Just how amazing, how awesome, how powerful is the God I serve. His presence is undeniable. How can people look outside and watch the pouring rain, hear the booming thunder and say that there is no God?! Just studying the way our veins take blood around our body, wow, its amazing. Brings me back to that message that we watched in camp. Look it up on youtube: Louie Giglio - Laminin.
Its amazing really. Its just a clip of the whole thing, but its a pretty powerful part. I guess sometimes we forget what really matters. Yeah it seems big that you don't get invited, that you might not fit completely with the youth, that he'll get tired of you; what really matters is living our every breath for the glory of God. Man, I sure have forgotten that lately. I got so caught up in my social life, that God had been slowly getting pushed back. I kept looking past all the little things that He kept doing for me. The little prayers He has been answering. I prayed for a good intense volleyball game, He gave me 3 awesome games. I prayed that the camp would leave me satisfied and happy, He gave me the happiness I never even expected. I prayed that God would let him visit so I could just see him, He gave me one of the best visits I've had with my friend. Just so many little things that make me so happy, and I take it all for granted.
Camp overall was awesome. I really liked it! The ending soured it, but oh well, thats what Russians are. It really depended on what you came for. The topic of the camp was Personal Relationships with God. Something I personally really had to hear. Also, him visiting for a few hours made it so much more special. The amazing talk we had and to spend time with some of his friends and my Karina. Speaking of which, she's the one I can look at and feel happy again! She doesn't have to be invited to all our group stuff, yet she's happy. Her life is finding its own course. I really could not ask for a better friend. She's shared the best moments of my life with me. And yet, there's so much about her that she doesn't tell the world. See, I want to be like that. I'm getting better at it : ) My friends don't know half the things that go on in my life. And again and again, I want to thank God for my friend. The special one. Our conversations aren't even about us most of the time, they're about our friends, family, lives. Thats so amazing. Helps with the whole pride thing too and lets us both find out so much about each other.
Our friendship has come to the point where I really do care about it. If he cut off all communication suddenly, wow it would hurt. Quite a bit. But I can honestly say that I haven't given away any emotional or physical part of myself. Thats the point of this friendship. And of course, its natural to miss a friend, or to be happy when they write, but not overly so. One problem is that I don't feel good enough for him. I can't say I have the best personality out of everyone(i have problems too) and he seems so amazing. I'm most definatly not the prettiest girl out there while he's riduculously handsome. He seems too good yet I can see his faults. And they make him seem all the better. He's my one ray of sunshine in the scary looking future. Oh and can't forget the family, from both sides : ) The stories...oh funny. You know, all in all, my life is great.
I will say that I've been through more in my few years than some adults will go through in their entire lives. And God did say He has an extra special plan for all the orphans out there. Maybe my friend is part of this extra special plan? How amazing that is. That God really cares. I really can't stop being amazed. People say that religion is for weak people and while that may be true for religion, its so not true for this. This isn't religion, its life. Its a happiness, a peace, a unearthly feeling of knowing you're loved and watched over and He's in control. Why in the world would someone want to discard this precious gift of salvation, I can't even comprehend that! I can just imagine how hard it is for unbelievers to understand. Its like trying to describe water to someone who's never seen or heard of it. How do you tell them that you can't live without it when they've never tried it. Our God is like that. It impossible to try some of Him and live without Him. Our souls were designed to search for a higher power, for a deeper meaning to life. God designed us this way in order for us to find Him. Pretty powerful.
Guess we'll end on a happy note today. Its gloomy,raining and cold outside, but Jesus knows. He knows that you're sad or frustrated or unloved. He has a perfect reason for letting you go through that happiness or sadness. It will all end up for good if we let go and say "Jesus, just gonna keep my eyes on You and trust You to make sense of this crazy life for me because I know I can't."
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