Going Backwards

I was actually thinking about my blog all day today! Weird right? I think we have an addiction forming! Maybe this addiction will last and I'll successfully keep this going. I doubt it. I lost interest quickly. But anyways, I was reading through some of the older posts, going backwards. Starting from the newest post and moving back. And what I realized what a progression of life. It was actually really cool to read. I also realized I am a bit of a control freak. Not good. But I can understand why. Most things in my life I have had no control over, especially all the bad things that happened to me as a kid and now that I have gained some form of independence, I want it all. I want to make sure that no matter how bad things get, I will always have enough control to stay happy and be as little affected by that situation as possible. Sadly, it never works that way. I will never ever be able to have the control that I want because only God has that kind of control. But thats really not where I was planning on going with this post.

I was planning on talking about him. Surprise, surprise. Well starting at the post after the wedding, these are my exact words:

"I really cant figure out what, but there was something extra special going on. I really cant say what though, just have no idea. But this weekend was amazing in some kind of extra special way. And not because of the handsome stranger either."

And I go on to write about how I bet I'll get sick of from after a week to a month. Well hunnie, the day after youth camp ends, it'll be exactly 3 months. Weird, right? I don't want to jump to conclusions of any sort, but its interesting to see how in every post following that one, there is a little more, little more and little more about him until this recent post was completely and totally about him and how confused I was and blah blah blah. Now I'm sounding like a little child, and I have whole diaries of stories like this actually. I fell "in love" quickly and deeply as a kid and young teen. Its amusing to read, as I believe in 4 years this will be an amusing post to read. Or maybe not. A little tiny though kinda made its way into my head and it said "What if God, in his infinate love and mercy, has chosen to let you meet your prince so early in your life?" First of all, that plain and simple, scares me! And then it warms me to think that maybe its true. After all, everyone's love story is different. Maybe this is mine. But another thing to consider is age. I actually think that maybe I might be a little more grown up than others my age because of my past experiences, but on the other hand, I have a little wilder side than most.

But maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of rewarding? hmm, not a good work. Maybe making up for? no, still not really, ok, recompensing for the crazy childhood which I didn't get to enjoy. And the teen years which are still rather harder for me than for others. Maybe He, who created this fairytale loving soul, has given me the gift of the fairytale? It seems too good to be true! Why would I ever deserve something like that? Its every girl's dream( i think?). And whats so good about me that God would give me mine, especially so early in life.

One thought just occured to me, what if God is preparing me for some remarkably horrdendous times in the future? After all, Grandma is really sick, dad isn't doing that well, its the Poslednie Vremya(Final Days before the Rapture), my lil bros are just growing up, I need LOTS of money for college and gas and life, the economy sucks and every Christian knows that it WILL get worse before it gets better. What a way to rain on any happy princessy thoughts of love that anyone was having previously. Oh dear.

I actually think this is the reason. Well, "trust and obey, for theres no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". A song that we used to sing in elementary school. Hmm, there's another song about worrying about the future but I can't think of it. Well, either way, I sure don't have much control over this (like thats new...) and again, it all leads back to God and the cross. Its a sobering thought, to think that hey, we're living in the final days of this world. Not the final days like our parents thought, but the actual final days. We have proof of that because of the prophecies from Revelation(and others) coming true! Sure makes our problems seem pretty small compared to the big picture.

Speaking of small problems, one of the million reasons why I'm so unwilling to believe that this might be it, is because it doesn't make sense why he picked me! I'm so afraid that he'll come to our youth camp and realize how much prettier, more talented, thinner, smarter, better other girls are and he'll look at me, and wonder what in the world he's still doing here. And he'll leave. That sucks, but it has to be done. I really want to see him interact with other people, and see how he responds to my interaction with others. Because if he's really mine, God will make him mine no matter what. Well, intense prayer is needed of course.

Blah I'm sick of all this. Well, that was a lie, no I'm not but I don't think its healthy to be constantly dwelling on love and such. Better things to do, like enjoy life! This age, is seriously the best. The summer was a turning point, the spring was unbelievable, can't wait for fall and winter. We're serious enough to enjoy seriousness, yet we're young enough to have hilarious moments of craziness. "To everything there is a time and season". How very true. This is our time to devote as much of our energies, breaths, thoughts, everything we have to serving God as young people on fire for Jesus. If we focus all our attention on Him and Him only, He will give us "the desires of our heart". Not even in a love way, in a friendship way, in a academic way, in a economic way, in an emotional way. He has never left anyone who trusted in Him, leave empty handed and broken.

How amazing. Just sit for a second and think about it. How small we are in comparison with the world. And not just the physical world, but take the spiritual world into consideration. In the midst of all this, God is watching your every heartache, every joyful moment. He knows every tear that has fallen from your eye, whether from happiness or sadness. He personally decides whether this tempatation is too hard for you, or whether you're ready to recieve this blessing, or this one, whether you need some extra comfort from the Holy Spirit or whether you need a little reprimand. When you think of that in this context, you wonder why in the world would I ever want to take matters from His all-knowing and powerful hands and put them into my selfish, clumsy hands.

I just read the book of my life so far, "Boy Meets Girl" and this is a quote from the last chapter: "You won't do any of these things because in heaven, you'll see and know the perfection on His plan for you. It won't be theoretical. It won't simply be a promise in the Bible. You'll see it as the undeniable fact that it is." Also, about love: "It's a simple story really. Two people learning to trust God. Two winding paths that God made straight. Two straight paths that he chose to cross at just the right time. "

Its a really amazing book, I recommend it to anyone and everyone. Its just so simple and deep and practical and real! I love it. Wow well, this has been long. I guess I was in a philosophical mood : ) Its so simple, yet so comlicated. Its so real, yet seems too good to be true. Good thing we're not alone, this would be waay to much to handle!