This past weekend was really like a page out of a fairytale book. Everything was perfect, literally. Thats so rare and looking back, I'm so amazed. God was showing himself so so many times. And now I need His help in controlling this fairytale so it doesn't get too out of hand. Right now I'm listening to the song "Future Love" by Kristina DeBarge and its so confusing. I agree with her, but it sounds like what I already have! And that confuses me more! And to a person who is confused easily...this is bad. Right now, my lack of trust in God and my overabundant trust in man is so clearly evident.
He seems perfect. Not as a human, but as a person after my own heart. Our goals are the same, our faith is the same, our intentions are the same(i think?), our trust in God is the same, and yet, its too same. I'm actually so frustrated right now I'm about to burst into tears. Drama queen. Oh well, but it really does mean alot to me. I REALLY don't want a broken heart and really I feel thats what will happen. I'm trying to trust God but its so HARD! I miss him. I really do. Especially after our last night escapade, I just want to see him again so bad.
You know you're becoming attatched when you cry. Although in my case, ANYTHING makes me cry so no suprise there. But oh my goodness, I do believe I'm falling. Not what I had in mind! I was supposed to forget about him after about a week, whats going on here!? And it can't be real love, it just can't. And I'm way too young to even be thinking about this in any deep future sense. And I'm not! But it feels like having your best friend move away! Just you know the one person that brings a smile to your face when you see them.
I just really need God's help. I don't want to let my emotions take control of my level-headness. I don't want to hurry things up when maybe they aren't meant to even be. So many people are saying that this is only temporary, there's so many more things coming my way and they're right! They have to be, because if they're wrong, then this is too good. He can't be the one and only. Eww, that doesn't even sound to great. He can't be the one for me. Yeah that pretty much sums it up. Why can't I just pray about it and let it go, trust God to do His work in us? Because I'm human. And I dramatize everything. But seriously, this feels big, much bigger than anything before. It also feels out of my control.
The princess part of me wishes so much that this could be real and forever while the reality part of me realizes that it probably isnt. The old me wants to take this into my own hands, make it work no matter what, while the new me knows that I need to keep praying and leave it up to God. Big battle? Oh yeah. Writing it out makes it seem so much rational...and complicated! I'm just so thankful that I have friends who can give me intense reality checks every once in a while.
Like at the bonfire on Sunday, wow I almost died of happiness when we were all just gathered and talking and just supporting each other(just us girls). Mashka, karina, ellie, man those especially are the ones that I really could not live without. I have a feeling that Evelinka and I will have quite a bit in common seeing as to what is going on with our love lives and the funny wat they're connected. It'll also give us a better chance to see where we're putting God in all of this.
Oh I feel so much better! Maybe its because he texted. Maybe because I realize that I'm not the only one with problems. And maybe its because I have the best support group in the world. Us 8 are never to be seperated. And plus Karina thats 9. I can't wait to see whats in store for us! Already me and Evelinka are having wars in our hearts against what we want and what we know we should do! I just hope her guy ends up being as inspiring as mine. He actually encourages me to love Christ more. And shows me how little I love and trust Him now. So no matter what, already he's influenced me positively.
I'm so excited for this end of summer, fall, winter to see where God takes us as we turn 17, almost 18 by next year. What changes, what stays the same and how much Jesus has done and will do for us and in us. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by other amazing, supportive people in times when I need it. People who can critisize and uphold, argue and comfort and just be there for you in different ways. One thing I'd want to give everyone is a bunch of good friends like mine. I can actually say mine are the best! Really. And once I go to college(this year or next, we'll see) we can spend even more time togather. Although we don't really hang out or talk that much during the weekdays now that I think about it.
Ahhh I feel so much better. Wow, this helps. I still miss him, especially looking at that rose standing on the dresser. But you know what, I'll be ok. I'm a reslient person. I've learned to get hurt, and bounce back quickly because otherwise, I'd be shattered to the point of no reconstruction. And of course on the very top and in the very center is our God who just asks that we trust Him.
Aww Zena :) There is a little saying that goes:
ReplyDelete"God doesn't give you
the people you want
He gives you the people you need
to help you, to hurt you,
to leave you, to love you,
and to make you into the
person you were meant to be."
The important thing is that this guy led you closer to God. And if that is the sole reason that the Lord brought him into your life, to draw you closer to Him, shouldn't that be celebrated?
I am always here for you, love. And so is He.