While I'm Waiting.

There's a song by John Waller, I think, its called While I'm Waiting. The lyrics are basically describing my life at this time. "I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord, I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You, Lord, Though it is painful, But patiently, I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience, While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting..."

If you could sum up my life in a few sentences (which is realistically impossible), those lyrics would be it. Another year has passed. And you know what, God gave me what I asked Him for. I asked Him for a burning passion towards people. People I don't know or care about. And He gave it to me. I found my mission. People. Especially kids. I love working with kids because they seem so close to little angels. So innocent, and yet you learn so much from them.

This entire summer, fall, and now winter, God has been slowly working in me. He's been slowly, patiently, removing all the hardness in my heart. He's getting rid of my need for controlling everything. He is making me so dependent on Him, and honestly, its making my life better. I always, always messed things up. Jesus never, ever messes anything up. This is tested and proven countless times in my life. But in order to make me more purer, more peaceful in Him, there were some storms I had to pass through.

This year, God gave me not only a burning passion to the people of this world, but also, to one person in particular. This burning love is very different from the other one. I never asked for this love, I sure didn't want it right now. And yet, because of His endless mercy and grace, guess what happened? God took my hard heart, my stubborn character, and he broke it. The girl who was always one step ahead of love, always far enough not to get hurt, always far away enough not to care to much, finally stepped into real love. Not infatuation, but real pure love. From the start I'm gonna say that it has been an extraordinary amount of work, but when its from God, its unbelievable.

When I met him, almost 2 years ago, I had just decided for myself that I will focus on God alone. No love, no dating, nothing of that sort. And about half a year after that decision, God made our paths cross. I won't tell my love story yet because its not finished yet. But once it is, I'll let the whole world know :)

About the waiting part...I'll say it straight out. This guy is the one and only guy in this entire world of 6 billion people that I would say yes to and marry him. And that fact has made such an impact on my life. I need to finish my nursing, but I can't because I think God told him some other plans. Mostly, my life is at a bit of a standstill because I'm not sure exactly what God wants me to do. If something ;) doesn't happen soon, then I will be applying for the nursing and then I'll be able to plan ahead again. But for now, I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for my love's decision. I'm waiting for God's answer. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. For a girl who has a big lack in patience, this has been the ultimate lesson. I have no control over what is happening, so all I can do is wait! But wait (haha), there is something I can do! I can serve Him while I'm waiting! And once I heard that lyric, it just pierced through my heart and I know my answer.

Once I heard that lyric, "While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting", I knew that was God's way of giving me a hug. He was letting me know that He can hear me. He knew my tears of uncertainty, He heard my quiet, lost prayers, and He knows exactly what He's going to give me. And I know whatever it is, it will be worth the waiting. And now, every time I get frustrated and cry out to God, "Where are you, why is nothing happening in my life, are You even listening?" I remember that song...

So I'm not sure how my life is going to be next month, I'm not sure what is going to happen. But its ok. Because I'm waiting on God. And He has something planned. And while I wait, I'm gonna pour my heart into people and serve and love and be sweet and gentle and reflect the majesty of my Savior and one day...He will reward my patience. One day, I'll see that all this waiting, it was totally worth it. And that day, I'm going to praise Him and be oveflowing with happiness because I waited and God gave.

Love is amazing but uncertain. Work is uncertain. College is uncertain. Friends are uncertain. But guess what isn't uncertain. God. He always hear me. He always sees me. He knows the cries of my heart. He knows what I feel when I can't even describe it. He sees my waiting. And will show me what I was waiting for. And because of my patience, it will be better than anything I had ever expected. Because my God is good!

I'm waiting. I'm waiting on You, Lord. And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it's not easy, But faithfully, I will wait.

Reconnection

It has been so so long! How I miss writing!
I'm in the process of making a Christmas/birthday present and I needed old posts from my blog to make it happen. I was reading some of the old, old posts, over a year old. Wow, just how amazing God is and how amazing he makes things work out!

That handsome stranger that I had written about in May of 2009 is now the love of my life and very soon, hopefully going to be my future husband. Wow, how life works out! Its so beautiful! Speaking of life though, just when you think it can't get any busier....it does! Even now, just a quick post and I'm off to do errands, choir practice, play practice, and study for my human biology final tomorrow! And its already 6pm! Goodness!

I think I shall reconnect with my blog and start writing once again! This was nice :)

Summer Flowers

For those who know anything about me, they know that I absolutely love flowers. There's something about their delicate nature that is so fragile and beautiful. So many different colors, shapes, smells, and they are all so astounding in their own way. They've each been created so perfectly. It reminds me a little bit of humans. We're all so beautiful. So different. Each person has been created so perfectly and with such beauty that it really takes my breath away. Like flowers, there are some people that make you less happy than others. Not all flowers are my favorites. But there is no doubt that the flower that I might like a bit less because of its smell or color or design, someone else loves that flower so much. I'm not talking about God as the someone else. I really think that in this world, every single human being is loved by someone. Was loved, will be loved, no matter, but at a given time, every person is loved by another person.

Its so beautiful. Our amazing Creator made thousands of different kinds of flowers to satisfy all the different personalities. But humans compared to flowers are a million times more beautiful. There is no human being that is exactly similar to another one. When someone says, "you're one of a kind", you really are because there never has been, and never will be someone exactly like you. You are the only person to ever exist with your exact genes, personality, features, and life. The only person in the ENTIRE history of the world! I don't know about you, but that makes me a bit awe-struck.

That is just how amazing my Creator is. He is the Artist of all artists. His creations are so unique, so perfectly designed and beautiful. ALL of his creations are. Flowers remind me of that. They're so different. Each has been created with such precision to serve specific purposes. If you are the only human being to ever exist with you specific personalities that means that there is something that only you can do! God gave you a purpose that only you can fulfill because only you have been given those specific traits. Kinda makes you try to live for Jesus a little more.

The warm setting sun, bright evening chirping of birds, the delicate sweet smell of the myriad of roses, daisies, honeysuckle and so many other flowers all soothes the soul. The faded dark brown of the porch, the cheerful yellow of the porch swing, and the evening sounds of cars driving home, people walking and talking, all of this is so daily and so familiar. But what really ties all of these parts together is this inner peace. Only Jesus can give this peace where you can just sit outside calmly and thank Him for sending you moments like these where you can just enjoy His wonderful creation. Our God truly is the one and only. Only Jesus can give you the peace, the love that overcomes everything. Its so beautiful and these summer flowers only serve to remind me of God's amazing love.

A Brand New Start

This should be a dedication post. Something about high school and how great its been and how time flies. But its not gonna be a dedication. Full time PSEO (or mostly full time right now). Two jobs. An amazing sweetheart. College. Life is moving on! I'm finally not going to be oppressed with the schedule of high school. If my math skills improve a bit, I might never even have to step into a high school again. This is so exciting, there are no words to describe my level of happiness! It was so hard in school to attempt at fitting in with a world that seemed so immature! They live in their own bubble unaware that there is another world out there. They seem to be unaware of the fact that they are not the center of the universe. Not all of them. There are some wonderful people and teachers there but mostly, it makes me smile to think that I'm moving on to the adult world and they are stuck in high school.

There's times in your life where you know something big is going to happen but you don't know what. But you feel it! Its this anticipation, yet hesitation and its all so wonderful! I feel like my life is being to change in a new direction. I admit, its a bit frighting but im so excited for life. God has been teaching me so so many things! Things about love and patience and just life in general! Its hard to describe but life has so much to offer! There is so much potential in everyone if only they would take the time to use it!

I do get a bit lonely at times but what can you do. It happens. But overall, I have so much more independence! I can do things that matter! Because back in high school, I didn't really feel like what I was doing mattered but now, college, work....it matters! In half a year, I'll be an official adult. I still feel like a little girl sometimes. But nope, this is all for real. I know I say this alot, but God really is good. I've been thinking about what if God wasn't real. And everything that I've been basing my life on is wrong. Biology class sure seems compelling sometimes. But its the peace. Its the peace in your heart that can't lie. You know that God is there. There's more to that than just knowing, there is fact but for ordinary people like me, we need peace.

We take life by faith. Faith that the sun will rise in the morning. Faith that the love of your life will remain the love of your life. Faith that your car will get you places and faith that your body won't just shut down. Everything we do is based on faith. So if someone says its wrong to live by faith...well good luck! Theres a pretty expansive unknown world out there. And I'm heading into it. But I'm not alone :) I'm walking by faith, and that will get me to where I want to go. Meanwhile, I'm just gonna enjoy every moment of my life. Even the ones that aren't the best! Because I've been giving a brand new start!

What Do You Do?

There are so many things that are changing in my life right now. Work, school, relationships, outlooks on life: its all so different than it was just half a year ago. Sometimes I feel older than the rest of my friends or classmates even though often I'm actually the younger. Life makes you into who you are, and my life has been very interesting.

Lately, so many things from my past have come back. Its making me think. Its making me re-examine my life and see if I've improved from who I was. And its just good memories to remember. Life is generally good right now! Mostly. I'm a little uncertain about my future. I have so many choices, but what to chose. Stability is not a big factor right now. Which makes me sad! Another thing is love. I don't wanna think about it but it could be true. My love could be one sided. It sure feels like it. But what can I do? He used to make me feel special, but now...I can see myself without him. And the longer this continues, the more I realize that there are others out there. Others who also realize that I'm out here! It was a big discovery to find out what people think of me in my youth. I was pleasantly surprised!

So what should I do? Just pray and wait? Thats all I can do. I wonder if our love is disappearing. If it is, I won't stop it. You can't force love. Often people say that the girl must love and then it will work. Maybe thats true. But what if the guy doesnt? I'm starting to feel that he doesnt. It hurts so much but my poor heart is actually used to it. Thats a sad fact but its true. I wonder if he realizes that I might not keep loving if things keep going this way? I actually believe he think I'll never leave. Maybe he wants to leave. Either way, I need a decision, soon! I don't want to be wasting my life. Especially on something that is becoming harder and harder to love. I hope it works out, but right now, that seems quite unlikely. That makes me sad but the more days that go by, the more I think its right. Time to leave?

I hope I can look back on this post and be able to say that everything worked out well. I don't think anyone wants to fall out of love. But it happens. Either way, I know that its all God's will. Although with each day that passes, I see more in my friends here...and less in my love there. I hope this is simply a momentarily lapse of togetherness. I don't want it to end. No one likes a broken heart. But as of right now, I don't think he loves me very much. And whats the use of loving the one who doesn't love you? (in a non-Biblical sense). Its all so complicated. And I'm at a loss of what to do and what to think. What should I do??

The Little Old Man.

Today I had an encounter with this very old little man. I would say he was in his 80's but I could be wrong. He was hunched over but yet was a good foot taller than me. His washed out blue eyes were slightly watering and his skin was a light white yellow, so thin that you could see most of the veins. His overall appearance gave a feeling of ancientness. What made me notice him was the fact that he was ahead of me in line, but was talking to someone sitting in one of the tables. I was standing behind him for a while but then I asked him if he was in line. He turned around and started rambling about something, to which I impatiently asked a second time if he was in line. He then abruptly stopped talking, then slowly said yes and moved forward to the line. There were several people still ahead of us which gave me a chance to think.

I might have imagined it, but when I asked him the second time, he seemed to be hurt that I wasn't listening to his story. It stunned me to realize that this man in front of me had feelings. Something so simple, yet something I so often forget about. He was so old, so broken down and slow, he seemed almost like a totally alien species to me. But then I began thinking. I looked at him as a real human being. Many years ago, he must have been very tall and athletically built. He must have had goals in life. He must have been in love. He most likely had bright blue eyes and thick light colored hair. He went to a high school and felt the stress of homework. He worried over fights with his sweetheart. He worked hard at his job and saved money for college. Maybe he fought in a war. He must have felt disappointed in his failures at one time. He must have been proud of who he was at one time. He used to be strong, young, and handsome. Someone that others would follow. He loved his car that he bought and took good car of it in his college years. He married the love of his life and they put their lives into raising their family. He once saw an old man walking in the street and hoped he'd never get old.

I don't know how much of that is true, if any of that is true. But one thing happened today. I saw a human as a human. I felt such love for the old man as he told the waiter about his wife that was waiting for him as he slowly ordered his meal. This strange, watery-eyed, hunched over, wrinkled old man was a human. He was once young like me. He once loved like me. He once felt the same emotions to life as I do. And I almost gave that little old man a hug. Because I saw him with the eyes of love. I saw him through the eyes of my Savior. What I saw wasn't an old, wrinkled, slow moving, mumbling old man; it was a real living soul that God specifically created and loves so dearly. Inside that old shell of a body was a human soul that once was just like me. Maybe someday when I'm old, some young person will feel the same way about me. What a difference it makes when we look at people as though they are people. Love changes the way you view the world. Love makes you see people the way the One who is Love itself see them! So when you see someone and you're tempted to judge them, just remember, they are just like you.

This Strange Feeling.

The last few weeks have been terrible, to say the least! Five AP tests, along with regular tests and finals and college entrance test have been overcome successfully! Along with that, I had been working every night for those 2 weeks as well as teaching Bible class on Fridays. I have to say I feel pretty accomplished right now! But this isn't a very happy post.

Today was such a alienated day! I really did feel like I was watching everything but not really being there! It bothers me so much! At school, I'm a foreigner who is mostly quiet and not especially social. At church, there's no stopping me from chatting with someone or being involved in something or just being full of life. It is such a contrast! But you know what I've noticed? I have very little in common with most people in school. That makes me a little sad. Surely there's someone else that believes the same as I do! The single driving passion of their life is Jesus.

I know its hard to understand if you're not a Believer. 1 Peter 2:9 " But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." This verse has been my foundation for these past two days. I'm sad not because I'm slightly anti social at school but because I watch the pointless lives that my fellow students live and my heart cries out to them! One of my friends said today, "Oh you wouldn't understand, you're a strong Christian." I really don't like that word. I'm a Jesus follower, not just a vague Christian! He is my everything!

It is pretty hard not having the constant group of friends with me that I'm used to, or really, not having any real friends in school. Makes me wonder if maybe something is wrong with me. Why do people say I'm different? Why can I not find the right words to say to be accepted? Why do they laugh at something that means more to me than life? Well, Jesus knew this would happen! He left a promise written in John 16:33, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Its such a comfort to know those words, and know they're true! We aren't supposed to fit in with the world, we will be laughed at and criticized but its all worth it!

As a final note, I'd like to add that I'm not dismayed at life or anything. The love of my life is finally coming in 2 days and that makes me so happy. Kid's camp planning has started. My friend's wedding is on Sunday. God is good! School just makes it a little tough but hey, if you're not different than you're the same. And we're not supposed to be the same! "...But be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." He has! And there really is not life more satisfying than a life lived for Christ!

Two Is Better Than One.

Two is better than one is the title of one of my new favorite songs(currently, they change every few weeks). Its such a pretty song though! It reflects my pattern of thinking pretty accurately. This life is amazing lately. I might be saying that because I'm on spring break but looking back on the past few weeks, I'm happy to be alive! It really has been rough. But there have been so many blessings. Girls Bible Study is amazing. A group of friends coming together, encouraging each other, reading Scripture, and drinking tea. Nothing could be better! I miss my Identity Bible study though. Work is really taking my life up. I'm not complaining though. I'm so grateful for my job, and I actually like working there very much!

Trip to Oklahoma coming up after tomorrow. I'm apprehensive about saying anything about it because I have mixed feelings. Mainly, I'll be happy to just take a road trip with my family :) Of course, spending time with my love will be great too! I think I'm finally realizing what people when when they say that life flies by. It literally feels like its flying. So many new things, new choices, ideas, friends, opportunities. Its overwhelming but oh so exciting! Summer is so close I can almost taste it but yet its still so far away.

Right now I feel like I have the whole world to chose from. Opportunities are so unlimited! The opportunities to witness are actually coming at me, all I have to do is take them. I'm sad to admit that I do fear the criticism of others. I've found out that religion is okay as long as you're not too into it. People won't mind if you are "religious" but if its the driving passion of your life, then you're strange. Why is that? What is it about Christianity that strikes so many chords that people don't want to hear? I dislike using the word Christianity because it doesn't mean what it used to. What is it about people who dedicate their lives to Jesus and the way they live and believe what they say that creates opposition from others? Why isn't Buddhism or Islam looked down upon? There is so much evidence about Jesus. About His life and how TRUE He is.

When things happen, you can call it coincidence, or just luck, but there comes a point when you can't call it that! There is a supernatural world, everyone can relate to that at some point in their life. One cannot live life and then disappear. Science proves that matter that exists at some point, especially when it is so complex like humans are, it can never simply disappear. There is always some trace left. Whether its a microscopic trace, or a gaseous trace or 1/1000000000 of an atom, there is always something. The earth is matter, humans are matter...we cannot simply disappear with no trace. There is life after you die and I only wish that someone could come back from the dead and tell the world that life exists after death! Heaven and hell exist! Oh wait, someone already had done that. The rich man and the beggar story. The rich man came back from the dead but did anyone believe him? No. Jesus came back from the dead and yet there are millions of people who refuse to acknowledge the Bible. There are historical facts about the Bible that prove its right. If one part is right, the entire things is right. Scientific evidence, historical evidence, anything you want, its in the Bible.

Life isn't a joke. Its serious and every decision we make will reflect upon our futures. Heaven and hell aren't some made up places used to scare people into submission during the Middle Ages. They're real and my heart cries out to the people who refuse to acknowledge it. Someday, the day will come and the whole world will see that life really was serious. Jesus isn't a joke. He is real and He really does change lives. What I believe in isn't something I need for self confidence or some other excuse that people think we need Him for, its something I need to function. Otherwise, what would be the point in my existence??? I was hoping to make this a short post, but then I went off again. Its just that there's such a fire in my soul for Christ! It comes out because its so important! I have to share it when anyone that I can because they need to hear! Some of the questions I asked on here, I really do want an answer for. Maybe someday someone will answer them because sometime in our life, we really need to stop and think seriously.

As for two being better than one, its just another miracle and just another way that God shows His love to us, but giving us love for others. Not just any kind of love. but His love. Because He is love itself.

Don't Give Up.

Sometimes exhaustion can really overtake us. Too many things happening at once. Thats a little bit of how I feel at the moment. Health wise doing ok, but not 100%. School wise, I try but it seems to do little good, so now I'm trying harder. Work wise, its great but it takes a toll on you when you never have time to relax. Church wise, even more work, getting ready for all the summer projects and conferences and etc.

Today was an amazing chance to be home alone for once. Drink some tea, get some rest. It didn't turn out that way because there is just so much to be done all the time. And being the only female in the house, its up to me to do it. I'm just feeling a little worn out right now. I just dream about going back to Cancun, or anywhere like that. Just get away for a little. No family, no work, no school, just life. It sounds amazing but sadly, thats not the way life works. Things have started to move so quickly. Time really is just flying by and I feel like I'm falling behind a little. I wish I had more energy which is why I can't wait for the warm weather!

The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing God is right here beside me, sharing my pain and exhaustion and frustration. He sees it and He's saying just hold on a little longer. Your break will come and until then, work as hard as you can. Today was a chance to do some Bible study homework and just reflect on the love of my Savior for a while. Its been too long since I've been able to just sit down and think about my relationship with my Jesus. It was a great time, I've missed silence and peace. Then the family came home, and life returned to its usual chaotic state. I'm feeling a little down from all this lack of sleep, food, and time but I know it'll get better.

God has something amazing waiting for me and until then I can just go one day at a time. Somedays seem like they'll be great, but by the end of the day, I'm so emotionally and physically tired I can't even think. Its all a process of growing up and I don't like it! It takes so much away from me, but you know, at least I'm giving something back. Being a Christian is all about giving others you love, time, energy, everything. And its not easy but its so worth it. Just need to keep my priorities straight. Even though sometimes I feel like what I do doesn't really matter, no one really cares, and I'm just wasting my time, I know I'm not. Life isn't about me, its about God and His creation. That is so hard to remember! Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up because it feels like no one really cares...why am I even trying!? And then I have to remind myself that God has a plan, someday I'll know exactly what it is, but for now, just keep on living.

Its hard but those moments when you feel God is so close that you're brought to tears, they're really worth it. Those kind of moments help you remember that Someone does love you and is watching over you even when it feels like no one understands or even cares. Those moments are so frustrating, make you just want to go outside and scream to the world how much pain you have inside of you and how nothing ever changes. I know exactly how that feels. Try being the only girl in a family...a family that brings you so much pain and tears through their words and actions that they often don't even realize. At times like that, I get reminded that the only one that will always be there is God. A simple prayer really can help. Just close your eyes and tell God everything that is on your heart and while it might not magically solve itself, at least you know that now its in God's hands.

I used to try to control my own life. Keep it in my hands. I knew I was strong enough to overcome anything. I'm like that, nothing really hurt me, I always bounced back. But as I kept growing up, I realized that I could get hurt, and I did. My plans always failed and my people always failed me too. Thats when God came into the picture. Actually trusting Him, not just saying you trust Him but actually put your entire life out there and say, "Its all Yours". After my friends fail, my family doesn't understand, even my sweetheart makes me cry, I have to constantly remind myself that Jesus is the only one I can rely on. He will always be there and He has an exact number for all the times that my heart was groaning with the pain life brought. He has an exact number of teardrops that I've cried and He knows how tough life can be. And He won't forget about it, He will always be carrying me. Sometimes, all we need in life is Someone to hold us tight and say that it'll be ok.

Always Works Out

The first week of the new semester is almost over, and God's blessings won't stop pouring in! AP Government is a class I didn't want, but couldn't switch, and now I can see why! This class is going to be where we debate issues such as abortion, gay marriages, death penalty and I already see why God gave me this class! To show my testimony through it! Also, in Enriched Biology, with the evolution unit coming up, I can't be more glad to have another believer in the class! Its already been an amazing encouragement knowing someone understands and upholds what I believe in too, even if its the opposite of what the class is teaching! This will be the semester of a lifetime!

This morning I barely woke up, crawled upstairs to make some coffee and was greeted by the most beautiful sunrise of this year so far! The sky was so accentuated by the silhouettes of the white houses with the snow covered trees. The sun itself was a brilliant gold color with splashes of bright pink sky around it! Already the rest of the sky was turning a soft blue and the entire picture was so breathtaking. It was God's present for my morning. I can almost hear the birds singing in the mornings because spring feels so close!

The kitchen has become one of my favorite places in the entire house. Smelling the chocolate baking and knowing that it'll turn out great is an amazing feeling. Seeing the faces of the family walk in to a spotless kitchen and a ready made dinner with fresh cookies in the oven, is priceless. That is what life is made up of. Those little moments where not only you are happy, but the people you love are happy too! I wish I had realized this earlier! Either way, I'm so grateful to God for letting me have all these amazing people in my life! Especially the ones that are far far away because they make life worth living! I guess I've finally figured out what people mean when they say make every minute count!

Complete Contentment.

There are fluffy little flakes of snow falling slowly but steadily. Already the entire street has been transformed from dull, brown gray frozen snow and ice into a soft blanket of crystal white power. Even though the sun isn't shining, there is still something captivating in the way the snow makes everything seem cleaner and happier. Wrapped up in a fuzzy white blanket that still smells like my best friend's cologne, drinking green jasmine tea and having the entire house completely still, completely to myself is heavenly. Listening to the slush of the cars that pass, and seeing the twirling flakes flying outside the window and reminiscing about old times, there's this warm contentment in the air. It has been a hectic few weeks with finals, job admissions, road trips, chior practices and wedding planning but now life has slowed down for a few hours. I can sit here quietly by myself for a few more minutes before I go to clean and cook and finish homework. Then the family comes back and I have to leave to work. But right now, the world is mine.

My heart yearns to see my best friend even though its only been a week since he left. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and with every day, that quote becomes more and more true for me. I know he'll come again soon but it doesn't help me stop missing him. He is an amazing guy and I'm so very lucky that God brought us together. Meanwhile, we both have to focus on work and school and our church lives until the next time we can be together. Thats fine with me because I know this is the way God wants it. School and work take up so much of my time that its becoming harder to find time for church and my family, but I know it'll all work out. "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice." Philippians 4:4. No matter how tired I get, no matter how dreary the weather and how stressful school is, I will always be happy. It's not easy but its what the Bible tell us to do and it really works, it does change things. As for contentment: "Contentment with godliness is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6. Happiness and contentment are covered in the Bible, and those are two things which I wish I had more of.

I'm very content at the moment, and filled with this peaceful happiness, but I need to remember these verses for when the times are harder and it seems impossible to smile, much less be content. I have the most amazing family in the world, the most amazing friends, the best sweetheart and a job, school, house, church, food! How can I not be content? Even if these days seem tough, I know people are struggling with worse times. Even if everything is going wrong, I know it'll get better! The sun will come out again, and the snow will melt! But for now, I can't be more happy with how much I have. Right now, everything is in its place and its only because of my indescribable, uncontainable Savior. My hot tea, the swirling white snowflakes, the soft white blanket and the complete and peaceful silence all add up to complete contentment!

Crystal Clear Love

A brand new year with brand new goals, possibilities, chances, and memories. You can start all over again! You can start where you left off! Main point is, you can restart! This year has flown by faster than the speed of light! I can just imagine how fast this upcoming year will go by. And I'm so thankful for each and every day! It would take forever to recap all that went on this year because there were so many memories.

Looking back at who I was at this time last year, I have to admit that I was a disappointing Christian. One how knows the rules, talks about them, but really doesn't care or believe in them. Hypocritical in a sense. Today, I still have my "say-one-thing-but-do-another" moments, but the main difference is the fact that I truly believe what I say. My God has become actually real to me as never before. I still have those moments where I begin to miss those good old days. Days where you would live only to be happy for yourself. You lived for your pleasure. And it was pleasurable. It was fun! But then those empty moments would come, and you would see that something is missing. You can't say what but there is a deep longing of some sort. A longing for something that you don't think even exists. So you ignore it and fill you life and heart with the plans and enjoyment for today, refusing to consider the consequences or even think about tomorrow.

And one time, I did. I thought about what was really happening. I was happy! I was lively and living a great life, people loved me, I loved them. What else did I need? I really couldn't say. Growing up in a Christian family, of course God and all that was part of my life. I went to church, only to see my friends and dress up. The sermons were boring, the people were boring, and I couldn't wait until it was all over. As long I went to church, occasionally skimmed over some verses in my Bible, and was basically good, I was fine. I considered myself to be a Christian and loving God and everything was great. Until that day that I decided to stop and think.

Nothing much happened that day except I just got sick of life. Boyfriends, parties, drinking, sneaking out, it was all so much fun and the greatest adrenaline rush. It was good to feel dangerous and crazy, but when it was gone, it was gone. There was nothing to feel until the next time. I really can't even figure out how it all happened but very slowly, day by day, Someone was touching my heart. There came a point in the summer where I almost ran away from home. It was probably one of the lowest points of my life and I was ready to quit all this Christian stuff, and just live how I wanted too. None of it felt real, just oppressing and unfair. I started praying what I decided would be my last prayer to the God I really doubted existed anymore. Hours later, tears would not stop pouring out of my eyes. It felt like literally Someone was holding me. I couldn't move because of all the emotion. And since then, my life was rededicated to the One I love most.

I feel like everyone has these amazing life stories. Their deepest emotions and beliefs. Even if I don't agree with them, I still find it fascinating. I'd love to write a book one day. About everyone. Have everyone I know tell me their story and I could write it. Sounds amazing actually. Everyone's story needs to be heard. If they're a believer, the story of how Christ led them to Him needs to be told. If they're not a believer, I still want to know how their life is and then see where their life goes. Words are such a powerful tool, languages are such a powerful tool and God gave me a passion for both. Missionary service sounds amazing not only because I can spread the story of true Love, but also because I get to come into contact with all those people whom I don't know. All the people who Jesus loves. He created every single one with a specific story and each one is so unique.

This brand new year I have a new mission: to record those stories. God has something extra special in store for me and all my friends and people I know. I really believe that this will be the year of a lifetime. We're all going to do great things. Every single person. Greatness depends on your perspective of it, and every single human being to ever inhabit this earth was created for something great. They chose to throw it away, use it for evil, but everyone is and was amazing. Created in the image of God! Crazy thought right there. My story is being written by God and documented by me so I can share it. God is writing billions of stories and I want to document each one and share it. A friend jokingly said one day, "You always have a story for everything." And thats because there IS a story for everything.

There's a burning passion in my heart and it grows every single day. A passion for people. Jesus loved people. I still have so so much to improve, so far to go to be even vaguely like Him, but I will try. Nursing is my hopeful career. Imagine all the people I can meet through that. God made something extra-ordinary in every single person, and I want to make it my mission to find out what that thing is. He loves every single person and I want to know why! Well, I know why...because He is love. But I want to know their stories. I really care about their lives. Easy to say but so hard to do. Its easy to do that about people you will meet only once, but oh so hard to do it with the people you come into contact every day. I have those angry moments, my lack of patience often shows through, but one thing I do have that is overpowering all of that: a real, passionate love for the creation of my Savior. Nature takes my breath away, but people do too.

It won't be easy, I know. Some people make you wonder if anyone loves them, not even talking about finding something beautiful in them. But there is. I need to overcome my bias and truly love everyone. I can't accept everyone but I can love. And thats what I want to have: crystal clear love. Love so pure that it overcomes all boundries, overcomes all the things that try to stop it and cover it with grime. Love that shines like the One who is love itself.

I've noticed, the more I love, the happier I become. Its a win-win situation. He loved me when I least wanted or deserved it and thats the point. Not to love those who are easy to love, but to love those whom you don't want to. Everyone is worth loving because everyone has a special story that only God Himself created. When I open my heart to love the unlovable, God will open up their life story for me and through that, powerful things can be done. Just watch! My main goal for 2010: to love others unconditionally and completely. Just the way that my Jesus loves me.