Something So Captivating.

Maybe its because of the Thanksgiving, Christmas season. The excitement, the happiness, the rush. But there's something so special in the air. Its indescribable. Something so magical, so beautiful about the life we're living. The way we smile, the way we sing, the way we talk. Everything is underlined with this special feeling. I feel about like this about everything these days. It has been a rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling the stress, sleeplessness, and foodlessness (yes that is now a word). But now that I have a chance to relax, just be home, I can look back and honestly say that its been a couple of amazing weeks.

There is something so unique, so precious about every new day. So many new possibilities, so many chances to do something for my Jesus, so many new emotions to discover. I think I'm realizing what they mean when people say "Each day is a gift". It really is. Everything is changing so quickly. It seems as if there aren't enough hours in a day to fully experience all that there is for that day! Maybe I'm feeling this way because of the conference, because so many new chapters of my life are unfolding. So many different aspects are changing.

The conference. We've all waited so long for it and its almost here. Finally. All the guests coming, the friends you haven't seen for half a year. Its not even the social aspect of it (although thats a big part). Its having all the youth together, singing songs to glorify our God, united by a common love for the One who saved us. Looking around during a sermon, you can see some of the different expressions. Some are captivated by message, hanging on to every word. Others are texting, looking for ways out or something to do. Others yet, are asleep. Its pretty great, so many different people, so many different lives, goals, everything. All are gathered togather. Its indescribable.

Going back to the social aspect, conferences are "mating season" as Vika or Jeka put it. Thats true. My special someone is coming but I can honestly say thats not the main reason why I excited. Its interesting to see everyone's true personality/intentions come out. Who hangs out with who doing what. I love it.

Right after that is Christmas, possible Mexico trip, New Years, birthdays, wedding. No wonder every day flies by so quickly. And I'm excited to see what the rest of the days will be. The captivating feeling of something so special, so exciting happening every single day is pretty amazing. Maybe its because with every day, I'm realizing how much everything is changing. Nothing will ever be the same. A year from now, it'll be completely different. And I can't wait.

Maybe 1/Millionth

This is maybe 1/1,000,000,000 out of what and who I really am. But I really want to do it! So here goes:

1. I like mangoes.
2. I see the little things that people often overlook.
3. My Jesus is my everything.
4. High school is a complete waste of time.
5. I love learning, medicine is my passion.
6. Nature, flowers, lakes,oceans,walks, sunshine all have this amazing effect on me.
7. I love very deeply once I've decided to really love.
8. Acting comes naturally.
9. You smile, I smile. I like making people happy.
10. Frustration and worry come quickly with me.
11. Need to be protected by someone.
12. I'm a princess and I'm living my fairytale.
13. Btw...I think I've met the prince too.
14. My church youth inspire me to no end, total happiness.
15. Green tea is life (with no sugar).
16. I love words, speaking,writing, verbally expressing emotions.
17. Very indecisive person.
18. Skirts, dresses, flowers, sparkles- my things.
19. My family is like no other.
20. I believe in true love, complete happiness, and perfect lives.
21. Oceans, beaches, tropics: my dream.
22. Little things (snowflakes, twinkling stars, rose petals, stuffed animals) make me smile.
23. Innocent? To some.
24. I want to do so much, yet often accomplish so little.
25. Very breakable, yet resilient.
26. Romantic to the fullest.
27. Nothing is too much because no matter what, I'm on God's side, washed by His blood.
28. I get easily confused, but once I know something...I know its fact.
29. All I want is to be loved, protected, and happy.
30. I might not be determined, or a leader, or successful, or strong, or charismatic, but I have a heart can love you like no other.

So that was as much as I feel like sharing for the time being. Maybe one of these will pop up again. Pretty much stars, sunsets, flowers, anything created by my God is captivating to me. I love humans and the way they've been wired, our brains, our nervous system, its fascinating. I love love. The concept of it. How God can bring two people together, people who had been living their separate lives, and create in them a passion so deep, so intense that it last for their entire lives and is centered around Him. Its too much to understand, yet God created all this. Its just so beautiful. How lucky we are to be loved by Someone so great, that He cares about our happiness, sadness, everything. Amazing.

Beautiful Soul Breaking

I just happened to remember one of my favorite songs from long ago! Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. Loved that song, still do actually! And its so true. "I don't want just another pretty face, I don't want anyone, no, I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul." Thats pretty true. I don't want to waste my love, and I'm a little worried. Every once in a while it hits me that this is pretty serious. I will end up with a broken heart or with a family. Ahh goodness, let's not think about it. Although thats impossible. Its all up to God, gotta trust that He knows what He's doing. And this song applies to not just my love life, but just life in general. I don't want to waste a minute of my life. Wanna live to the fullest. Its a pretty inspiring thing, to have a beautiful soul.

I think everyone has a beautiful soul. Each person is so amazing and different. The whole world is like a stain glass window, with each person a different color with a different shine serving a different purpose. I love it! My friends are all so beautiful in their own ways, and now that we're all growing up, its becoming more and more evident. I can't wait to keep moving on with life. I can't wait to get out of this state. I love my family, but I can't wait to be independent. College is like a dream, to be away most of the day. Come home to clean, cook, and sleep. This will hopefully be my last Christmas with Minnesotans. In the years after that, hopefully be in Russia with the missionaries for Christmas.

I have so much plans. My own mission, my own life. Each person does. I just want to get away from everything. I know that I have my own life. I can't wait to live it! Feels like my family just wants to keep me home. If maybe something doesn't work out with him, I still want to go to a college, far far away. California is my dream. Always. Anywhere but here. Here I can't let my glass sparkle the way its designed to. I feel so trapped.

I agree, some of my friends are headed down dangerously quickly. Their life is losing meaning day by day. Not just American friends, some Russian friends too. I don't know whats going on with their families, maybe they feel just as helpless as I do. But one difference, God is always first. He will never ever disappoint me. My family has, my friends have, but He is always there. I guess I forget that its not always about me. I do feel like no one takes me seriously in my family. I do want to leave, as soon as possible. Next year, after a year, I don't care when, just soon. I'm so sick of this. I just want to be far away from them.

This post was not originally intended to go in this direction, but I guess this has been my underlying reason. Freedom, independence are so close I can taste them, but not close enough for me to grasp them. I don't think these are wrong thoughts. I know I've grown up too fast. Life can do that to a person. And now they expect me to behave and have the same dreams and goals as other who have lived their protected, painless lives with complete security. I can't remember the last time I felt completely safe. Well yeah I can, when we visited Oklahoma. Maybe thats not the plan that God has for me but I know, I know that Minnesota is not for me. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who it holds. Quote: I know not what the future hold, but I know Who holds the future. And He never wants anything bad, He just wants to make my soul more beautiful, more like Him. And I'm willing to let Him do that because right now I don't feel like I have a beautiful soul.In fact, I feel pretty broken right now. Helpless, limited, not living up to my potential and right now, this is what God wants. I'm learning so many things. Self sacrifice, patience, holding back my remarks, humility, dealing with frustration, so many things! We've all been created so beautifully, so perfectly, there is no flaw with how we've been made. Every one of our characteristics is for a specific purpose and reason. One day, we'll find out why. Until that day, my silent tears will be invisible to my family. They will never understand the pain that they bring. I'd love to be the same as everyone, but I'm not. I'm me.

I don't care that she doesn't wear make up, I do. I don't care that she can sing, I can't. I don't care that she's home more, I try to do what I can. Its never good enough. For all those girls who are growing up without a mom, I'm feeling you. Its hard, having 3 guys in a family. You get so lonely. Maybe thats why God sent him into my life so early, because I need him. I need someone whom I can feel safe and protected with because I'm forgetting how that feels. Beautiful soul. Each one of us is a beautiful soul. You can ruin it, you can make it sparkle, its up to you. My soul belongs to my Savior and it can shine like no other. Each one of the tears that fall from my eyes just serve to chip away another hard part of my heart in order to make me perfect, tenderhearted, and loving. Each tear cleans away the dirt in order to make my beautiful soul more visible. Its hard but necessary and through everything all the glory belongs only to God.