Struggles. Again.

Summer is absolutely wonderful but what are these random weird moments going on?! So me and my father have been really not communicating well which is just not normal. We've always been on such good terms all the time. Maybe it's because I'm keeping the secret from him. I'd tell him but he's just so narrow minded, and old fashioned, not even giving anything new a chance. I could never tell him, he'd just blow up. And I guess I was out late last night, but why didn't he even call me once. I would have come home right away, I thought they had forgotten about me. I think its because I'm growing up a little more and he can't accept it. And maybe I'm not doing it right. AHH, its just such a big annoying problem. Hopefully it'll work out soon because in the next few weeks, I'm gonna be home even less.

I've also found it harder to read my Bible daily and pray. I always do it before I go to sleep, but for the past few days, week even, I've stopped both reading and praying. Thats so bad for my spiritual growth but something is missing! I think its because I'm reading about David and I'm supposed to take notes on that section of the Bible for camp. So I need to hurry up and finish this section and go back to my normal life.

I've also gotten really messy. I have absolutely no desire to clean my room, my house. Maybe its because my father is constantly nagging me about it. Well, about my room. If he said to clean the kitchen, I'd do it! But he never does. Its so hard being the only female in this household! I'm really about to just blow up from all this. And Im on a big big money shortage.

Work was supposed to start on Friday, but something didn't work out, so now I'm stuck with no money and no work. And my father is refusing to give me money. Well thats a lie. He gave me 60$ to buy him a shirt and 20$ for gas. The shirt cost 80$. So now i don't have any money and any gas. And he's not speaking to me this morning because I came home at 10:30 last night. I REALLY wish he could give me a curfew. He doesn't!! And then gets mad when I come home past whatever time he feels was too late.

A good relationship with parents is the basis for a happy life. Because as soon as me and my dad started to not get along, the rest of my life started to fail as well. This should be a time of such spiritual upheaval and happiness but its the opposite. I think the devil is sending everything possible to ruin our lives right now. Our missionaries left for Russia, Georgia, the other countries, yesterday and wow, 6 of my cousins left. I miss them all so much already! They are doing such a big work and I know Satan would do everything possible to ruin their efforts. Also back home, my church's kids camp is coming up, and I seriously can not start preparing for this. I think that's Satan's work again, trying to sabotage all work that will be done for God's glory and the good of the kids.

Either way, I need to get my game up. I just really need to break free of my house. I'm feeling trapped every time I come home! Thats neither normal nor good for anyone. But I don't know what to do. Hmm, let's start by cleaning and then see what happens. And praying, I miss it so much and now with all the missionaries gone, my prayer list has doubled. I can't let some minor problems ruin my summer for God and for myself.

As a side note, I noticed that all these problems have really come crashing down on me as soon as I began my closer contact with my friend. Myabe he's not good for me. But I really don't think so. I actually think he's God's blessing. Well, time will tell. Meanwhile I'll try to get my life back on track. I know I'm not perfect, some of this is definately my fault. And its nice to see that I'm still human, still have problems. The one difference is that I have an amazing God who will do everything needed to help me get back to serving Him wholeheartedly. Otherwise, I'd never ever be able to fix my life and would never have the happiness I am given. Wow this verse just popped into my mind: "To whom much is given, of him is much required". Oh wow, thats the answer to my problems!

See thats exactly how amazing Jesus is. He gives an answer right away. I'm having all these problems because He kept blessing me again and again yet I'd just live my life the same way. I don't have enough discipline in my life. Well, there you go. Life has just begun to return to normal! Yay : )

Your Grace Still Amazes Me.

It was one of the songs I was listening to in the car today and it just keeps getting stuck in my head. Its a song by Phillips Craig and Dean and oh my it just made me all fuzzy and happy. Just the past few weeks have been undescribable. I'll try to describe them but it won't even come close to what really happened and how it felt.

So camp was amazing. God was so clearly visible in it! It was like a cold glass of spiritual water on a hot hot day(like today). Just being around other counselors who love God so so much and watching Jesus touch the kid's hearts, it was just beautiful. There's so much more that I can say about it. Some things are best not said but if someone asks me, I'd love to tell the story in more detail. The theme of camp was The Rapture. Seems like a pretty intense theme for kids, cuz even I don't fully understand it. But wow, it was perfect. And its so true. God can come any second.

While its so scary to think that, its also kinda happy. I was talking to one of my girls as we walked back, asking her if she would go to heaven when Jesus came. And Slava Bogu she said she was. I'm really excited to keep praying for my girls and see what amazing things God has in store for them! Anyways, our conversation made me think. We were walking to singing time and as everyone was singing some awesome little song, I started thinking. And it was amazing. Just thought of how this wonderful time we're spending togather, praising God togather, in the amazing atmosphere of such undescribable love; thats gonna be heaven. Forever. And wow I almost started crying. Just the wonderful friendship that we all have, knowing the extent to which we all love our Jesus. Ahh it was just indescribable. Pictures on facebook!

So that was that. And the wedding was good too. I don't really wanna say too much about it in order to not encourage useless thoughts but oh my goodness I hope he's for real. Went to the mall today. My amazing 60 year old cousin and I did some shopping and then my friend came. And she let us have some time by ourselves. That just made her be so much more amazing in my eyes. But I'm not sure what to think about him. There's so much that I like, yet theres a bit that I don't like. And also, I really am not a big fan of broken hearts and he is fully qualified to give me one. So let's just focus on other things instead and keep praying for God's will. Because I will just mess up my heart and my life if I try to do things my way, but if I let God take control, He will make everything work.

So summer is going amazing.

Inside a Person

Inside of us, there's so many things! I'm currently speaking from a physical viewpoint. Can't wait to take biology and anatomy! The human body is so complex and everything somehow functions as a whole. Proving again extent of our God's power. But I'm a little worried about this whole human body. The immune system is of special interest to me now that I seem to not have one anymore. I know that, yeah, if I didn't have an immune system then I'd be dead within seconds but man, it sure seems like I don't have one anymore. I get sick so so so easily. And it really slows me down, which is extremly frustrating. Now that summer is basically here, I typically have a limitless amount of energy...but not now. I barely have enough energy to think, not to mention speak or walk! VERY frustrating! My days take so much energy because its just impossible not to. I'm usually pretty upbeat and tend to bounce around everywhere instead of walking in the summer, but I can't!!! AHHHH. I can't even explain how annoying it is to be so listless and sick!

So many plans coming up that I really can't afford to be sick. Too many people are counting on me to come through with my plans, and personally I do need to get everything done. Also, I am on the way to getting a black eye! Another lovely addition to my already crazy life. I'm not sure what its from because I'm always bumping into things, but I think its from a volleyball. And I have so much due!!! Last official day of school tomorrow, life is just closing in on me it feels like. And I'm running out of breath(literally and metaphorically)! But you know...this is all a lesson.

The lesson is that I need to rely on God more. I like to be in charge of my life. I like to know whats happening, when its happeing, who will be there, what I have to do, etc. I'm trying to be a little more in the shadows and quieter, but ahh I like control. Which is why I need to marry someone who can control me! Just say no :) My dad has no learned to say no to me very well, or maybe he just knows what he's doing. Seriously, parents are SO smart. Maybe not all, but wow, my dad is. Maybe not always, but he knows what I'm thinking half the time! Thats why I never get away with anything.

But back to God being in control, I get off topic so easily. I recently slacked off on my Bible reading and had close to no prayer life. Then I started dying. The horrible cold. The random stomache ache. The black eye. The pressure of school. Pretty sure God knows that I needed to slow down and give Him control and the only way to do that was to slow me down physically. One of the verses I sent out recently was the God gives strength to the weary. Well God, I'm pretty weary. Actually I passed weariness a loong time ago. Much more than weary now. It took me a while to acknowledge the fact that hey, maybe God is trying to get my attention throught this chain of unfortunate events. And I believe He was trying to get my attention. Well, He got it! Just makes me sort of ashamed that I keep falling away from Him. Not completly detaching but I stray away from having a close relationship with Him.

And then when someone asks how I know that my Jesus is real? Well, its stories like this! But how do explain it? Actually Ms. Tholen gave a great example today. Charles did a speech on religion and wow, the video he showed was some Pentocostal/Charismatical kid's camp and wow, it was horrible. But thats not my point. My point is that faith is believeing in something when you have absolutly no proof that it exists. Jesus is real, He does reach out to people and talk to us through events like this. When we dont pay attention to His soft voice, He uses more drastic measure like making us so sick we're almost immobile!

And on top of all the physical properties inside our bodies, there is also a myserious and complex web of spiritual and mental properties. Thats another thing I find fascinating, the way people think. The different ways thought form and progress, the different core beliefs, the way beliefs are formed and influenced; its all just so fascinating. I love people. Both the physical structure of all the veins,cells, and muscles and the thoughts, emotions and reactions. Everyone is so different and precious. Especially though, I love the way kids think. The purity of emotions is so beautiful. And the sad thing is, that purity is being lost and a younger and younger age as the culture progresses. Its sad but I know there's one thing I can do: show them God's power and the complete joy at being His child. I know that thats the one thing that helped me stay grounded in my faith. A deeply imbeded love of Jesus from my childhood thanks to my mom and dad.

And I'm kinda beginning to realize that really, looks aren't much in a person. The physical properties are amazing, yes, but they make up so little of who a person really is! Took my a while to realize this, but really personality does matter! A person who has God in their life will always be beautiful. Haha maybe I'm going down this train of thought because at the moment, I look horrible and feel horrible as well. It'll all be over soon though, I hope. I have so much to do. And I really think the reason why I keep adding and adding things to my schedule of life is because I need to be constantly doing something. Missionary work is definately my passion. All these camps are just preparing me for the real job. Its not just about teaching the kids, its also about learning for myself. Learning patience, love, kindess, meekness, dependance, the camps all have so much to teach everyone! Which is why I'm so excited.

Seriously, now that I'm really really sick, the one thing that gets me up in the morning is knowing that I'm one day close to my camp! And soon I can catch up on my sleep as well! Eventhing will even out. If only this black eye would hurry up and heal...But nonetheless its nice to know that everything will be ok in the end : )