Like a Million Raindrops.

Thats actually a line from a song, a song which I'd rather not remember right now. Its a great song, just not in the mood for it. I'm not sure what mood I'm in. One feeling really stands out though. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. Something new, something totally different. Our life is constantly changing, whether we notice it or not. But every once in a while, our life drastically changes. Not in any particular way, but we notice it and the people around us do too. I feel like that gonna happen. I have so much enegry but no way to release it! So I cook and clean and spend time with my family, and the weirdest out of all of this is the fact that I like it! I heard someone say that once that happens to you, you're probably gonna get married soon. To which I say, NOO!

Truthfully, it sounds absolutely wonderful though. To get away from here, or to just have him here. But either way, have a secure future more or less. Right now everything is so unpredictable. Again, it feels like I'm not good enough for anyone! People say looks don't matter much, its whats inside that counts....yeah well, good luck convincing me of that! I really want to be perfect for him. In every single way possible. Perfect looking, perfect personality, perfect home skills, perfect love for Jesus. Thats obviously unrealistic, I know, but nonetheless, I believe in it. This whole thing has me a little scared. I'm putting too much of him in my life, but not enough of HIM (get it? too much of my friend, but not enough of God).

I really really want a close relationship with God. I miss Him. When thoughts like these come, that why can't people just love me for who I am, what more do I have to do to be accepted, what am I doing wrong...I just remember that all these feelings were already previewed by Jesus. He knows exactly what I'm feeling and why and best of all, He knows for what reason. Again and again, "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose". And they do. Every single time I feel left out, like no one loves me, like all of my friends are better than me; all I have to do is remember that God is letting me experience this for a reason. Its really a comforting thought! Even though I feel so alone, I'm not. And not only is God with me, but He also knows where I'm going!

It literally makes my heart sing. Just how amazing, how awesome, how powerful is the God I serve. His presence is undeniable. How can people look outside and watch the pouring rain, hear the booming thunder and say that there is no God?! Just studying the way our veins take blood around our body, wow, its amazing. Brings me back to that message that we watched in camp. Look it up on youtube: Louie Giglio - Laminin.

Its amazing really. Its just a clip of the whole thing, but its a pretty powerful part. I guess sometimes we forget what really matters. Yeah it seems big that you don't get invited, that you might not fit completely with the youth, that he'll get tired of you; what really matters is living our every breath for the glory of God. Man, I sure have forgotten that lately. I got so caught up in my social life, that God had been slowly getting pushed back. I kept looking past all the little things that He kept doing for me. The little prayers He has been answering. I prayed for a good intense volleyball game, He gave me 3 awesome games. I prayed that the camp would leave me satisfied and happy, He gave me the happiness I never even expected. I prayed that God would let him visit so I could just see him, He gave me one of the best visits I've had with my friend. Just so many little things that make me so happy, and I take it all for granted.

Camp overall was awesome. I really liked it! The ending soured it, but oh well, thats what Russians are. It really depended on what you came for. The topic of the camp was Personal Relationships with God. Something I personally really had to hear. Also, him visiting for a few hours made it so much more special. The amazing talk we had and to spend time with some of his friends and my Karina. Speaking of which, she's the one I can look at and feel happy again! She doesn't have to be invited to all our group stuff, yet she's happy. Her life is finding its own course. I really could not ask for a better friend. She's shared the best moments of my life with me. And yet, there's so much about her that she doesn't tell the world. See, I want to be like that. I'm getting better at it : ) My friends don't know half the things that go on in my life. And again and again, I want to thank God for my friend. The special one. Our conversations aren't even about us most of the time, they're about our friends, family, lives. Thats so amazing. Helps with the whole pride thing too and lets us both find out so much about each other.

Our friendship has come to the point where I really do care about it. If he cut off all communication suddenly, wow it would hurt. Quite a bit. But I can honestly say that I haven't given away any emotional or physical part of myself. Thats the point of this friendship. And of course, its natural to miss a friend, or to be happy when they write, but not overly so. One problem is that I don't feel good enough for him. I can't say I have the best personality out of everyone(i have problems too) and he seems so amazing. I'm most definatly not the prettiest girl out there while he's riduculously handsome. He seems too good yet I can see his faults. And they make him seem all the better. He's my one ray of sunshine in the scary looking future. Oh and can't forget the family, from both sides : ) The stories...oh funny. You know, all in all, my life is great.

I will say that I've been through more in my few years than some adults will go through in their entire lives. And God did say He has an extra special plan for all the orphans out there. Maybe my friend is part of this extra special plan? How amazing that is. That God really cares. I really can't stop being amazed. People say that religion is for weak people and while that may be true for religion, its so not true for this. This isn't religion, its life. Its a happiness, a peace, a unearthly feeling of knowing you're loved and watched over and He's in control. Why in the world would someone want to discard this precious gift of salvation, I can't even comprehend that! I can just imagine how hard it is for unbelievers to understand. Its like trying to describe water to someone who's never seen or heard of it. How do you tell them that you can't live without it when they've never tried it. Our God is like that. It impossible to try some of Him and live without Him. Our souls were designed to search for a higher power, for a deeper meaning to life. God designed us this way in order for us to find Him. Pretty powerful.

Guess we'll end on a happy note today. Its gloomy,raining and cold outside, but Jesus knows. He knows that you're sad or frustrated or unloved. He has a perfect reason for letting you go through that happiness or sadness. It will all end up for good if we let go and say "Jesus, just gonna keep my eyes on You and trust You to make sense of this crazy life for me because I know I can't."

Whoaaa.

You know, like when you're riding a horse, and you say "whoaaa, to slow down"? Yeah thats what I mean. Also when you've just finished racing someone on a nice car, and you've won and you have adrenaline still rushing through your veins and you say, "whoaaa". Thats also what I mean. Another way is when you're sitting with your friends over a campfire and you look up at the sky and you go "Whoaaa". Thats another thing I mean. Just moments that take your breathe away, in the good sense and bad.

Let's do bad first, just to get it out of the way. I've come to realize that I am a form of a perfectionist in the way that I want to please everyone. I want to be perfect at volleyball, without a fault. I want to be a perfect example in church, with nothing for people to call out. I want to have the perfect friendship with all my friends (one in particular) so that God is happy with my efforts. I want to be a perfect sister and daughter. A perfect future wife, a perfect student. And all this seems within my reach, except not quite. No matter how much I try, there is always someone who says its not enough. And I'm actually at a loss. I can't be perfect, I know, but I can try. And I'm just confused. Am I trying too much or not hard enough? Leave it up to God. Haha, well yeah I have, but He also says I need to put a little effort of my own in. And lately I've been slacking off so much, I need to catch up! I have potential, I know and I want to use it to the fullest.

But blahh, enough about serious things. I'm not in a depressed mood, that was yesterday. Today is good : ) So about moments that take your breathe away! I love them, I'm sure we all do. Every single person has had a point in their life where they just take a deep breathe and go "whoaa". Thats been happening alot to me lately. A beautiful sunset can make me just blank out and go "whoa, God this is amazing". Nature has that affect, at least on me. I think because it brings us closer to the Creator in the pure, undefiled way that nature can be. Also, going fast. I will admit, I like flashy things. I like tinted windows and roaring cars. Racing other cars on the highway will make me feel undescribable. Like I'm in a spinning world of bright colors and it really does take your breathe away. Literally.

Also recently, there's another aspect that can take my breathe away. The way someone can smile at you. If you look into someone's eyes, really into their eyes. Thats actually a thing I can't do. I really can't look into his eyes because (I'm dead serious), I'd probably faint. I did it once and I actually got lightheaded and as I looked away, one thought: "Whoaa". And seeing him for the first time in over a month, it was like a gust of wind hitting me. Knocked the breath right out of me and it was another whoa moment. Haha wait till camp. The entire time there will be a whoa moment. Which is why I'm scared. Have too many of these moments and you start thinking you got something special. And why not? I've talked to all these couples and they agree and even support the idea. But I don't understand. It can't be anything special because that would make me the luckiest human being on this planet. And I don't deserve anything like that. I highly doubt that God would write this into my love story. But the thought still creeps up on me, "what if He did?" What if this is part of my love story? I just got goosebumps. Okaay, new topic.

More good news. I've noticed a change in me : ) Thats very exciting! I think its a change for the better too! We'll see. I just feel like this upcoming few months, year, whatever will be a lifechanging time for us(me and my friends). God will begin to show Himself in ways we never ever imagined. And its gonna be to us. I was pondering that at work today. Why in the world would the Maker of the stars care about messing with my love life? Why would He care if I was happy or not? Its not like I'm important. But then...to Him I am. Thats a humbling thought. That God who seems to have so much better things to worry about, would listen intently to my every thought, keep track of my every tear, and smile with my every accomplishment. Why in the world who someone ever do that!? Because He loves me. And this is where you begin to understand the concept of love.

After reading all those books, I feel like I know a little more about love and such. All I have to do is look at the cross though. Its a story that we know soooo well. Its just gotten old. I really don't know why, but recently its gotten so clear for me. I think I'm finally understanding the depth of the sacrifice God made. And its real. Its not just some story from 2000 years ago. I see it lived out by millions of people, millions of stories, millions of mistakes and millions of forgiven ones. Thats why I love those "whoaaa" moments. They pause time. They stop everything and just let you take in the beauty of God's majesty and power.

When I say "beauty of God's majesty and power", I'm not just talking about the early morning sunrises and the deep river valleys. I'm also talking about two people connecting in a way that neither has ever experienced. You can say, how does that have to do with God. It does, its all about Him. He created the need and longing for love. He created the fulfilling sense of joy when after a long wait, two people realize they're in the center of His will. When they can just look into each other's eyes, and have stories told to each other without anyone saying a word. God created that bond and He is sharing in your complete joy of every "whoa" moment. Thats awesome. What about the adrenaline rush "whoa"? How does God have to do with that? He does. He gave you that sense of reckless abandonment. Its part of his special plan for your very own personality. And He takes pleasure in seeing you enjoy His gift to you. You can expand on this so much more, but I'm too tired.

It literally gives me goosebumps when I realize that this spectacular feeling that has left me breathless is being felt by the Maker of our universe too. Kinda makes you feel special, right? And small. Like the song: "Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?". Well, He cares because of what Jesus did. Because His Son willingly came and took all those sins and died for them. Thats a vague statement. Hmm, you know that guilty feeling you get after you do something bad, something really bad? Well every single person's guilty feeling of every single bad thing that they did(think of all the murderors, the pedafiles, the prostitites), all those guilty feelings were loaded on Jesus, at once. Just imagine that. I can't. Its too much, but it happened. And while all those feelings were pressing down on Him, God turned away. Its like having the best friend of your life leave you at your worst. Meanwhile, that entire time, He was saying your name and saying, this is for you. He was picturing your face. Intense. But real.

That why these "whoa" moments are so special. Because at that very second, God is smiling and saying this is because I love you so much. See this is why I'm eternally thankful that God sent him into my life. Because of moments when I can see how much God loves me. He wants me to be happy. Thats new! He just wants me to close my eyes and let Him write my love story. I'm trying. So far, its better than I ever imagined. And this might not even be the real love story of my life. Wow, what a thought! This is amazing, but it gets better?

You know, it really doesn't matter whether it gets better or not. Jesus is the one I need. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life for me, willingly! And He doesn't care what I've done, where I've been, He just wants me to keep my eyes ahead and looking straight at Him. Ahh this is why I can't wait to see him. To share some of this stuff(not too deep) and to hear what he has to say. How can people not have something to talk about when we can just talk about our Creator? (not saying we ever ran out of things to say,ever). Another thing is many people have told me that God has something special in store for me, and that preacher says said that orphans(full or half) always get extra special blessings from God. Thats probably my one hope. That maybe all this random stuff wasn't because I'm an extra bad person. Maybe He just has something special in store. Oh how I'd wish for it to be true.

In "When God Writes Your Love Story", it talked about how every single person will have to go through some period of lonliness before God will bring them their Prince/Princess. Well, been there, done that. But the one thing I cannot do is feel like I deserve something. Because I don't. Alright, I literally just ran out of steam. Not literally, but my brain literally just stopped thinking intensely. So I guess that's it for today : )