Pure As Gold

I have so much to say but I actually can't figure out how to phrase any of it. Very unsual for a person like me. I guess its because I don't know where to start. Its just a circle of things that are all tied to each other and there is no beginning or end. Lets start with school.

To my utter suprise, I enjoy it. I absolutely love being loaded down with seemingly useless things to do. Maybe its because I know that I am getting smarter even if I will never use that piece of information in my life, its satisfactory to know that, hey I know this. I admit, not all of my classes are like this, some I loathe but the majority I actually do enjoy! Maybe this is all because I'm hoping with all my heart that I'll be able to do PSEO next semester. If not, it will be a great and sudden blow, which I think I'll get over anyway.

Another thing is work. I need it so badly yet all my attempts at getting a job are rejected. Others who seem to have much less of an urgency for a job, seem to get all the opportunities. Why do I need a job? No, not because I need clothes, although I do need winter gloves and a scarf and a nice church sweater. If I ever get a job, I doubt my money will be spent on clothes. First, I have about 10 birthdays coming up, as well as thanksgiving, christmas and new years. Also, I now officially pay for my own gas and I drive about 50 miles a day, at least. I also want to start paying for my own phone. And lastly, any other expenses that occur such as contacts, school stuff, etc, I want to pay on my own as well. I've been doing all that all summer and although I only spent maybe 2oo in clothes, (actually I bought shoes and a coat, so only 100 on actual clothes), it has been very liberating.

I guess thats really what I'm aiming at. Liberty. Freedom. Indepndence. I believe I'm ready for more reponsibility, and I want to take it all on me, but I just don't have the resources. I'm actually thinking about going and applying at a food place. I believe I will. Because, I hate asking my dad for money, I really do. It seems unfair to him and rude of me. What has this world come to? :)

As for this guy situation, I'm very glad that I tell my friends the minimum. Its just something not to be shared. And after the retreat, I got my answer, well what I thought was my answer. On the day I was fasting, God gave me a second answer. Now I can see how it all works. Truely its amazing. While I haven't completely shut him out of my life, I have become much more wary and focused on God instead of him. I actually can't wait until he comes just because I want to set things straight. Share my thoughts, and my decision. This time, I want us to pray. It will be impossible for me to get along with a guy who doesn't love God, doesn't have Him as the center of his life because thats what God is to me: everything. As a friend, as a human, he is an amazing, perfect companion for me but there are big issues that we need to straighten out when it comes to our friendship from the God's aspect.

Also, I've found that now that I get up earlier for the carpool deal, I actually have time to pray and read my Bible every morning. And wow, it has been such a blessing. I don't always understand why when I try so hard, God seems so far away sometimes. But one thing keeps me going:

"I know not why God’s wondrous grace

To me He hath made known,

Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love

Redeemed me for His own.

But I know Whom I have believèd,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’vecommitted

Unto Him against that day.

Its an amazing song and really it keeps me going. I really want to be an instrument of God, that He can use me in some amazing way that will bring Him glory. Another song that really means alot to me we used to sing in FBS:

God never moves without purpose or plan.
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long.
In darkness, He giveth a song.

O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake.
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.

That actually has been the song of my life. It actually has! And the best part is that its actually true! So when school gets so stressful, and my job quest is at a dead end, and my friends seem to be so much better, and i dont know what to do with my family and I'm about to give up; all I have to remember is that God is letting me go through this stressful time because in the end, I will be as pure as gold. He's just taking away all the extra layers of dirt and grime that I build up when I stray away from Him. I just need to keep my eyes on my Savior.

I actually can't imgine life for the people who don't know Jesus as their Savior. What do they do when life gets hard? When they feel abandoned, unloved, and alone? As people saved by the blood of Christ, we always have one light shining in the day or night, in the good times and bad, but other don't. Those are the people to whom we are sent to. Not because we're better or privileged, but because they are missing out on the best thing in their entire life. Accepting Jesus actually is life changing, nothing will ever be the same. And I love it.

Like the first song I posted, I've commited to Christ my life, my heart, my desires, emotions, goals, plan, failures, mistakes, happy times and sad times and I trust Him to take care of my until He comes and takes me home. Awesome right? Every believer(I dont like the word Christian too much anymore) has this amazing assurance in Jesus's ability to always love and protect, but also reprimand and discipline. Always for our benefit and not destruction. Now off to the real world full of family fights, homework, joblessness, indecisivness, insecurity, lonliness, unhappiness. Thankfully I won't have to handle any of those things alone, because I have someone much more powerful and all-knowing who can direct me in my choices. Slava Bogu.