Beautiful Soul Breaking

I just happened to remember one of my favorite songs from long ago! Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. Loved that song, still do actually! And its so true. "I don't want just another pretty face, I don't want anyone, no, I don't want my love to go to waste, I want you and your beautiful soul." Thats pretty true. I don't want to waste my love, and I'm a little worried. Every once in a while it hits me that this is pretty serious. I will end up with a broken heart or with a family. Ahh goodness, let's not think about it. Although thats impossible. Its all up to God, gotta trust that He knows what He's doing. And this song applies to not just my love life, but just life in general. I don't want to waste a minute of my life. Wanna live to the fullest. Its a pretty inspiring thing, to have a beautiful soul.

I think everyone has a beautiful soul. Each person is so amazing and different. The whole world is like a stain glass window, with each person a different color with a different shine serving a different purpose. I love it! My friends are all so beautiful in their own ways, and now that we're all growing up, its becoming more and more evident. I can't wait to keep moving on with life. I can't wait to get out of this state. I love my family, but I can't wait to be independent. College is like a dream, to be away most of the day. Come home to clean, cook, and sleep. This will hopefully be my last Christmas with Minnesotans. In the years after that, hopefully be in Russia with the missionaries for Christmas.

I have so much plans. My own mission, my own life. Each person does. I just want to get away from everything. I know that I have my own life. I can't wait to live it! Feels like my family just wants to keep me home. If maybe something doesn't work out with him, I still want to go to a college, far far away. California is my dream. Always. Anywhere but here. Here I can't let my glass sparkle the way its designed to. I feel so trapped.

I agree, some of my friends are headed down dangerously quickly. Their life is losing meaning day by day. Not just American friends, some Russian friends too. I don't know whats going on with their families, maybe they feel just as helpless as I do. But one difference, God is always first. He will never ever disappoint me. My family has, my friends have, but He is always there. I guess I forget that its not always about me. I do feel like no one takes me seriously in my family. I do want to leave, as soon as possible. Next year, after a year, I don't care when, just soon. I'm so sick of this. I just want to be far away from them.

This post was not originally intended to go in this direction, but I guess this has been my underlying reason. Freedom, independence are so close I can taste them, but not close enough for me to grasp them. I don't think these are wrong thoughts. I know I've grown up too fast. Life can do that to a person. And now they expect me to behave and have the same dreams and goals as other who have lived their protected, painless lives with complete security. I can't remember the last time I felt completely safe. Well yeah I can, when we visited Oklahoma. Maybe thats not the plan that God has for me but I know, I know that Minnesota is not for me. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who it holds. Quote: I know not what the future hold, but I know Who holds the future. And He never wants anything bad, He just wants to make my soul more beautiful, more like Him. And I'm willing to let Him do that because right now I don't feel like I have a beautiful soul.In fact, I feel pretty broken right now. Helpless, limited, not living up to my potential and right now, this is what God wants. I'm learning so many things. Self sacrifice, patience, holding back my remarks, humility, dealing with frustration, so many things! We've all been created so beautifully, so perfectly, there is no flaw with how we've been made. Every one of our characteristics is for a specific purpose and reason. One day, we'll find out why. Until that day, my silent tears will be invisible to my family. They will never understand the pain that they bring. I'd love to be the same as everyone, but I'm not. I'm me.

I don't care that she doesn't wear make up, I do. I don't care that she can sing, I can't. I don't care that she's home more, I try to do what I can. Its never good enough. For all those girls who are growing up without a mom, I'm feeling you. Its hard, having 3 guys in a family. You get so lonely. Maybe thats why God sent him into my life so early, because I need him. I need someone whom I can feel safe and protected with because I'm forgetting how that feels. Beautiful soul. Each one of us is a beautiful soul. You can ruin it, you can make it sparkle, its up to you. My soul belongs to my Savior and it can shine like no other. Each one of the tears that fall from my eyes just serve to chip away another hard part of my heart in order to make me perfect, tenderhearted, and loving. Each tear cleans away the dirt in order to make my beautiful soul more visible. Its hard but necessary and through everything all the glory belongs only to God.