Don't Give Up.

Sometimes exhaustion can really overtake us. Too many things happening at once. Thats a little bit of how I feel at the moment. Health wise doing ok, but not 100%. School wise, I try but it seems to do little good, so now I'm trying harder. Work wise, its great but it takes a toll on you when you never have time to relax. Church wise, even more work, getting ready for all the summer projects and conferences and etc.

Today was an amazing chance to be home alone for once. Drink some tea, get some rest. It didn't turn out that way because there is just so much to be done all the time. And being the only female in the house, its up to me to do it. I'm just feeling a little worn out right now. I just dream about going back to Cancun, or anywhere like that. Just get away for a little. No family, no work, no school, just life. It sounds amazing but sadly, thats not the way life works. Things have started to move so quickly. Time really is just flying by and I feel like I'm falling behind a little. I wish I had more energy which is why I can't wait for the warm weather!

The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing God is right here beside me, sharing my pain and exhaustion and frustration. He sees it and He's saying just hold on a little longer. Your break will come and until then, work as hard as you can. Today was a chance to do some Bible study homework and just reflect on the love of my Savior for a while. Its been too long since I've been able to just sit down and think about my relationship with my Jesus. It was a great time, I've missed silence and peace. Then the family came home, and life returned to its usual chaotic state. I'm feeling a little down from all this lack of sleep, food, and time but I know it'll get better.

God has something amazing waiting for me and until then I can just go one day at a time. Somedays seem like they'll be great, but by the end of the day, I'm so emotionally and physically tired I can't even think. Its all a process of growing up and I don't like it! It takes so much away from me, but you know, at least I'm giving something back. Being a Christian is all about giving others you love, time, energy, everything. And its not easy but its so worth it. Just need to keep my priorities straight. Even though sometimes I feel like what I do doesn't really matter, no one really cares, and I'm just wasting my time, I know I'm not. Life isn't about me, its about God and His creation. That is so hard to remember! Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up because it feels like no one really cares...why am I even trying!? And then I have to remind myself that God has a plan, someday I'll know exactly what it is, but for now, just keep on living.

Its hard but those moments when you feel God is so close that you're brought to tears, they're really worth it. Those kind of moments help you remember that Someone does love you and is watching over you even when it feels like no one understands or even cares. Those moments are so frustrating, make you just want to go outside and scream to the world how much pain you have inside of you and how nothing ever changes. I know exactly how that feels. Try being the only girl in a family...a family that brings you so much pain and tears through their words and actions that they often don't even realize. At times like that, I get reminded that the only one that will always be there is God. A simple prayer really can help. Just close your eyes and tell God everything that is on your heart and while it might not magically solve itself, at least you know that now its in God's hands.

I used to try to control my own life. Keep it in my hands. I knew I was strong enough to overcome anything. I'm like that, nothing really hurt me, I always bounced back. But as I kept growing up, I realized that I could get hurt, and I did. My plans always failed and my people always failed me too. Thats when God came into the picture. Actually trusting Him, not just saying you trust Him but actually put your entire life out there and say, "Its all Yours". After my friends fail, my family doesn't understand, even my sweetheart makes me cry, I have to constantly remind myself that Jesus is the only one I can rely on. He will always be there and He has an exact number for all the times that my heart was groaning with the pain life brought. He has an exact number of teardrops that I've cried and He knows how tough life can be. And He won't forget about it, He will always be carrying me. Sometimes, all we need in life is Someone to hold us tight and say that it'll be ok.

Always Works Out

The first week of the new semester is almost over, and God's blessings won't stop pouring in! AP Government is a class I didn't want, but couldn't switch, and now I can see why! This class is going to be where we debate issues such as abortion, gay marriages, death penalty and I already see why God gave me this class! To show my testimony through it! Also, in Enriched Biology, with the evolution unit coming up, I can't be more glad to have another believer in the class! Its already been an amazing encouragement knowing someone understands and upholds what I believe in too, even if its the opposite of what the class is teaching! This will be the semester of a lifetime!

This morning I barely woke up, crawled upstairs to make some coffee and was greeted by the most beautiful sunrise of this year so far! The sky was so accentuated by the silhouettes of the white houses with the snow covered trees. The sun itself was a brilliant gold color with splashes of bright pink sky around it! Already the rest of the sky was turning a soft blue and the entire picture was so breathtaking. It was God's present for my morning. I can almost hear the birds singing in the mornings because spring feels so close!

The kitchen has become one of my favorite places in the entire house. Smelling the chocolate baking and knowing that it'll turn out great is an amazing feeling. Seeing the faces of the family walk in to a spotless kitchen and a ready made dinner with fresh cookies in the oven, is priceless. That is what life is made up of. Those little moments where not only you are happy, but the people you love are happy too! I wish I had realized this earlier! Either way, I'm so grateful to God for letting me have all these amazing people in my life! Especially the ones that are far far away because they make life worth living! I guess I've finally figured out what people mean when they say make every minute count!

Complete Contentment.

There are fluffy little flakes of snow falling slowly but steadily. Already the entire street has been transformed from dull, brown gray frozen snow and ice into a soft blanket of crystal white power. Even though the sun isn't shining, there is still something captivating in the way the snow makes everything seem cleaner and happier. Wrapped up in a fuzzy white blanket that still smells like my best friend's cologne, drinking green jasmine tea and having the entire house completely still, completely to myself is heavenly. Listening to the slush of the cars that pass, and seeing the twirling flakes flying outside the window and reminiscing about old times, there's this warm contentment in the air. It has been a hectic few weeks with finals, job admissions, road trips, chior practices and wedding planning but now life has slowed down for a few hours. I can sit here quietly by myself for a few more minutes before I go to clean and cook and finish homework. Then the family comes back and I have to leave to work. But right now, the world is mine.

My heart yearns to see my best friend even though its only been a week since he left. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and with every day, that quote becomes more and more true for me. I know he'll come again soon but it doesn't help me stop missing him. He is an amazing guy and I'm so very lucky that God brought us together. Meanwhile, we both have to focus on work and school and our church lives until the next time we can be together. Thats fine with me because I know this is the way God wants it. School and work take up so much of my time that its becoming harder to find time for church and my family, but I know it'll all work out. "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice." Philippians 4:4. No matter how tired I get, no matter how dreary the weather and how stressful school is, I will always be happy. It's not easy but its what the Bible tell us to do and it really works, it does change things. As for contentment: "Contentment with godliness is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6. Happiness and contentment are covered in the Bible, and those are two things which I wish I had more of.

I'm very content at the moment, and filled with this peaceful happiness, but I need to remember these verses for when the times are harder and it seems impossible to smile, much less be content. I have the most amazing family in the world, the most amazing friends, the best sweetheart and a job, school, house, church, food! How can I not be content? Even if these days seem tough, I know people are struggling with worse times. Even if everything is going wrong, I know it'll get better! The sun will come out again, and the snow will melt! But for now, I can't be more happy with how much I have. Right now, everything is in its place and its only because of my indescribable, uncontainable Savior. My hot tea, the swirling white snowflakes, the soft white blanket and the complete and peaceful silence all add up to complete contentment!