Someday.

Its funny to look back and read over past blog posts. Its fun to do that with memories in life. When you look back at the path you've already walked on, things are so much clearer. Looking back on my anxious anticipation before the Oklahoma trip, I laugh a little to myself. I fully understand my feelings but now that its all happened, its a little funny to think about. The trip itself was a huge blessing. I absolutely love all the people with who I was with. I know they aren't perfect, but wow, they love each other so much. It was just so cozy to have about 20 people in the house, kids watching Russian tv and coloring, the men in the sauna, the women making the tea, and then us coming home from a fun filled day :) Everyone goes to relax, and the cycle repeats itself with us. Me and my love make tea while the guys sit at the table and chat. Then we all sit and just enjoy each other's company.

I have to admit I'm sure I loved it there so much because he was always there. And his family is absolutely amazing. Not just because of him, but quite a bit. He actually does seem to make my dreams come true. Maybe he is the prince who I've been waiting for, maybe he's not, but I can say that we've both grown in our love for God. He's not perfect, neither am I but there's something that binds us so closely together: our complete love and devotion to our Creator. I'm sure we would have had plenty of happy times together if we weren't believers, but knowing Jesus as our Savior makes everything so much more meaningful. I believe that right now, we're in the center of His will. My one desire is to keep God first, and when I do that, everything else will fall into place.

I'm coming to realize that life isn't really that great. There's so much horribleness in the world. People have no meaning in their lives. And when they think they do, its a shallow meaning which doesnt last. It makes me wonder how much love and patience our God has! He's a jealous God, because He deserves it. He wants to be our everything because He's the only one who can be our everything successfully. People make their families their priority, their jobs, happiness, whatever, and it never ever ever ends well. I guess its hard to realize but the carefree days of our lives are over. Responsibility covers everything. We will have to answer for every single dumb, evil, mean thing we did, do, and will do.

God isn't just the happy, loving, forgiving God. He will hold you accountable for every single rule that you've every broken. For every single time you lied, you'll have to pay with you life. Personally, I would need about a million lives to cover all my lies, and thats only lying. What about everything else that I do? Thats the side the so many "Christians" ignore. The fair side of God. He is everything, loving, merciful, kind but He's also fair, strict, demanding God. He likes order and structure. You will answer for everything you did.

I can just imagine myself on judgment day, when God starts reading off every single thing I've ever done, thought about, everything. There'll be the proud moments, when I did a good thing, but how many more bad things have I done! It'll be such shame, I can't even imagine. And yet, there's One who will be able to stand between me and the anger of God. On judgment day, when God will be reading off every thought of mine, and his anger will be building and building. He'll be as a judge ready to sentence a repulsive criminal to death, and the Jesus will step in, and God's eyes will immediately change into love. Love for his pure, innocent Son. And Jesus will hold me tightly and say, "All that you did before...its all gone. I erased it with my own blood and agony." and I'll become perfect, pure and spotless. It'll be as if I've never lied, never hated, never lusted, never angered, never swore, never anything. That will be one amazing day.

After I consider that, what is this life right now? Yeah, maybe its a little tough, maybe I'm worried, maybe I'm exhausted. But just a little bit left. The signs of the final days of mankind before the Rapture are everywhere. Both frightening and exciting. Frightening because it could be in a second, it could be tomorrow during 3rd hour, a week from now, 5 years from now, but it'll come. Exciting because after that I'll never worry again. I'll never be tired or sick, I'll never be cold. I'll see my grandma and grandpa's, I'll see mom, I'll see my friends, I can finally meet all the Biblical people whom I've read about. And at that moment, I'll know that every time I took a chance and shared my faith with someone, everytime I told someone about God's love for them, everytime they laughed at me, everytime they called me innocent, or stupid, it'll be worth it. I'm so excited to see everyone. All who accepted Jesus's sacrifice of death on the cross. Man, I can't wait.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna try to take as many people as I can. Its hard though. I hate being rejected. But I need the remember that the power isn't in the messenger, its in the message. My job is to tell people, God will do the rest. He does so much for me already, I know I can trust Him some more. I'm so excited to see how He will work in the future. What will be different, what will be the same. I know that whatever happens, it'll be beautiful. My story will be completely different than anyone elses. It'll have God's fingerprints all over it. It'll have mine, maybe it'll have his. All I know is that right now, I know I'm doing what God wants in the love situation. My main goal, is to have Him glorified. If I just keep focusing on that, He'll give me the love I've always wanted and never expected. Pretty great, right?

Pretty Unbelievable

Its unbelievable that in about 14 hours I'll be in Oklahoma. Anxious? Oh yes. But I'm also very excited. Just to see how everything turns out! It'll be much fun to write a reflection post for after the trip and compare everything. I must say that these trips actually teach me things. Right now, I've been praying more than ever because I really need God's blessing for this trip! It's been the only thing I can think about for about the last 2 days. Why do I need God's blessing? Well because I have no control over what happens, very little control anyways. But if I keep readjusting my focus, I'll remember that "hey, God is in control" and when He's in control, it will always turn out great! Even if this trip is horrible and nothing goes right, I want to be able to just say, this is what God wanted and in some way, its going to benefit me. I might never understand why, but thats what we have trust for!

I have to say that I haven't written about him in quite a few postings. I think I might as well considering I'll see him very soon. Thats about all I'll write because seriously, I have much more important things. If he's mine, God will provide. If he's not, God will show. Its pretty simple!

Mostly, I'm excited for the ride there. I love driving long distances because it gives me time to just talk with Jesus. Its actually one of the best times ever. And just seeing the the senery! Again and again, it amazes me to see the extent to how amazing is my God! Also, can't wait to get away from the family for a little bit. Even though they're coming with me, I'll be driving, lost in my own thoughts.

I love losing myself in my thoughts, its just so interesting to see where it goes. So very excited and nervous, but mostly just happy. Everything is a little rushed and tense here, so off we go :)

Tears.

Its times like these when we need a Savior. We need Him always but especially, when nothing else is left. I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand why. I don't understand the failures and disappointments that keep happening at times when we're at our lowest. I wish I understood. I really do wish I could just say, it'll all be better in the end. But I can't because it might not be better in the end. We try so hard to love our God and please others, live with a sincere passion and defined purity, yet these things keep happening and we don't understand. I do want to ask why, but I have no right. Who am I, a worthless little human, to demand an answer from the Creator of everything, the mighty Savior? And yet, I do! I ask why life is so unfair? Why does everything I do come right back and laugh at me? Why does luck seem to hate me? And most of all, why do You seem so far away sometimes?

I know the answer though. I can hear it in the silence of my own anger and frustration. He whispers quietly through my thoughts, through the rustling of the leaves, through the whistling of the wind. "Its to make you more loving, pure, and gentle". I asked for it myself. I asked God to make me more like Him, to help me love others more, to look on the inside not outside, to reflect all of God's love in my every breath and He will always give what I ask for.

Living in our padded, comfortable world of school, work, friends, family, we forget that there is a world out there. There are people who fight to live another day. People who dream about real food. People who are in need of His love. God needs to shake us up, remind us of how selfish we've become. "Not to us, but to Your name be the glory" What happened to that mind set? How easy it is to become occupied with the chain of tragedy that has been overshadowing our lives (I speak for myself anyways). We become so accustomed to all the privileges we get that actually get angry at God when He stirs us a little. Its so much easier to question God than to accept the fact that we need to change.

He ruined my trip plans, He sent me the wrong friends, He doesn't know how low my money is. How wrong that is. Why don't I instead ask why he sent my such amazing, spiritual supporters, such a sweet guy, such a house, and car and a million other things. Right now, life is at an all time low for me. It seems as if any good thing that comes into my possession is quickly taken away, my hopes brutally crushed again and again. And out of nowhere, God sends a little letter, a little text, an encouraging picture, or email and reminds me that He's still there. He knows, He sees, and He's saying just hold on a little longer, I promise you can make it through this. Right now, I feel like my reasons to smile, to even get up in the morning are dwindling by the minute, and yet, I know that tomorrow can be better. Being betrayed, being so deeply disappointed, being so scared about things you wish you could control: it all means nothing when I remember that this is all for a reason. Someday I'll see this is why I was feeling so abandoned, so low. I asked God to make me more like Him and He is just answering my prayer. He's giving me new chances every day to become less like my old self, and more like the perfect image of my amazing God. quote: If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it. In order to have a real relationship with anyone, trust is essential. Well God, I'm gonna close my eyes and follow you because right now I'm in the darkness and You're the one with the light.

Wilting Flower

I have to say that I actually do feel like a wilting flower. I have so much energy at times, but overall, I'm just thoroughly exhausted. I need to reboot. Also, my headaches are starting to really worry me. I never used to have headaches, but now, its an almost daily thing. Occasional dizziness follows them. I'm too scared to go to the doctor because either its something really bad, or nothing at all. Maybe these headaches are with the coming of this new year and all these responsibilities and worries and I just really need a break.

School was extra tough this week. And combined with the weather, joblessness, moneylessness, and just being sick, no good results. To add on top of it all, the little brothers are turning into full blown teenagers with the arguements and everything. Having passed all that myself, I can stop them from doing some things and going to some places, but they don't understand. Its very frustrating. But you know what, I'll be ok. God has been doing some amazing things in my life lately. Like answering prayers. I have countless, recent stories of how God has been working in my life.

This month of September just flew by. Now its October already and my weekends are completely booked until November. Crazy right? I'm excited though! So much ahead. Probably the most amazing thing for me to realize lately is the fact that I understand my dad!! Even when he is yelling or lecturing me or just being parently annoying, I understand why! Its just a really weird thing but its helping me be a better daughter. I still have much to improve on, but what I've realized is that while he isn't perfect, he sure is smart! I actually wonder why I've never realized this before but my dad is so right! I know he's human, still makes mistakes, but wow, he's a smart guy. I guess life does teach you lessons.

I've also realized that most of our disageements were my fault and he was right in them after all. He is constantly lecturing about my lack of cleaning, and you know what, he is right! I need to do a much better job! Its hard to agree and calmly accept what he's saying sometimes, because my fiery nature is so similar to his and always wants to counter-argue what he's saying. And that is not good. But with God's grace and strength, I can learn.

Parents are actually the foundation for the rest of our lives. They are so important. And before any permanent lasting change can be made in our lives, the first should be good friendship with parents. And people, treasure your family. I can't even begin to describe the importance of that. I only hope God will teach me to be wise with my family. They are actually so so important.

Maybe this is why I'm so drained of energy. Big realizations like this! Times are so hard right now, but it will get better. The flower will bloom again :) I know it! But meanwhile, I need to step up and start learning how to live responsibly. Tomorrow is cooking and cleaning day with Bible study in the evening. Sounds absolutely perfect. Funny thing though: even half a year ago, I would have never ever written this. I never liked these things, cooking cleaning. My dad was too strict and my family too much of a burden. But as time as gone by, 6 months seems like a short time, but seriously, so much has changed. For the better too. I want to be a blessing in my family, and with my friends. In order to do that, I need to try. Favorite quote for today: God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. How true. If you have the desire, a real burning desire, God will give the the opportunities to do it, always. God has given me the opportunity to practice being a real friend, christian, future wife, and just loving God more: my family. My family is where real spiritual growth and change begins. I hope I can do it!

(side note: funny how I started talking about myself and problems, then ended up talking what I need to do to change)