Year of a Lifetime

I have to say that I feel like this will be the year of a lifetime. I really don't know why I feel that way, but I do. Something about each day is so special, so unforgettable. Already this year I have come to realize many, many things. My tastes and preferences are changing. My view on the world is changing. Everything is changing. Its a little unnerving but at the same time exciting. Its as if I've been walking on a little path(I prefer to think of a path through a forest or meadow) and as I'm walking I realize that I'm walking through a thick fog which enables me to only see a few inches in front of my feet. Suddenly I stop. At that very moment I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a precipice. Maybe it isnt a precipice, maybe its a river, maybe its some animal but its something that will change the course of my path. It will tell me exactly in which direction I will continue to walk, what factors will affect my path and most importantly, it will be something completely new. This might seem like an overly dramatic description to some, but its actually how I'm feeling.

Whatever happened today, tomorrow will be different. I know that this concept has been pounded into our heads from our very beginnings, but its true. I don't think that we realize the immensity of it. Every single day will be totally different from any of the other days. This is on the small scale though, day by day. What I'm talking about is big major events that will knowingly or not, influence the rest of my life dramatically. One word that comes to mind is immense. I think I'm begin to realize the expansion of our universe. The real size and significance of things and it scares me.

Our world is so deep, so beautiful, so indescribable. I'm not just talking about nature. I'm talking about our bodies, our mental processes, about humans in general. What a spectacular creation we are! And what a spectacular Creator we have. Sitting here in the silence of my thoughts, listening to the slosh of the cars driving by, I'm realizing so many things at once. One of my new favorite quotes can just about sum up my emotions: "When I admire the wonders of a sunset, my soul expands in worship of the Creator." -Ghandi. Thats what I'm trying portray. My soul expanding in worship of the Creator.

I love thinking of Him in that way. The Creator. It just makes it so personal because he knows every single cell of your body. He knows my weaknesses and my strengths. He knows the things I haven't even figured out about myself. And not only does know all that, but He put it there. He knows I'm human. I admit that lately I've been feeling like He's far away. Being at school can be downright discouraging sometimes. I like flashy, sparkly things. I like to be involved with everything. I like questionable music. And after school, I always think, you know, I could have all that. They seem so happy. Pep fests, coronations, parties, football games, I could be part of all that. But at what cost?

That is when I have to close my eyes and readjust my focus. A Bible verse comes to mind, its in Russian and I have no idea how it translates but its about focusing on the heavenly things not earthly. And being the kind of person that I am, its so hard. I've been there, I've done things I'm not proud of but what really hurts is that I'm not too ashamed either! I liked it! Some things I'd never repeat, but others I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like just giving in to the old desires. And then prayer kicks in.

Seriously, prayer is the best secret weapon ever given to a Believer. I find myself saying little prayers every now and then. I'd like to clarify that by "little prayers" I mean its little thoughts that I say to God. Things like "wow I need some help right now", or "that was amazing, thank You so much" and it helps me focus more. I know I mess up, I know I want things that clearly go against my beliefs and yet I try to stay as far as possible from all that because one day, it will be worth it.

Looking into the eyes of my Savior one day and seeing all that love toward me, it will all be worth it. I can imagine it. He'll know exactly how I felt at my lowest. He'll know exactly how I felt at my highest. He has felt all my pain, all my indecision, all my happiness and triumph. Looking into His eyes, I'll see it all reflected at me. Until that day, I have so much to live for. He is my everything and every microbe of my body is known to Him. How could I ask for more? He created me and gave me my friends, family, this amazing world around me; He gave His life for me; He gave me eternal life. The least I can do is strive to do my every breath for His glory alone.

Pure As Gold

I have so much to say but I actually can't figure out how to phrase any of it. Very unsual for a person like me. I guess its because I don't know where to start. Its just a circle of things that are all tied to each other and there is no beginning or end. Lets start with school.

To my utter suprise, I enjoy it. I absolutely love being loaded down with seemingly useless things to do. Maybe its because I know that I am getting smarter even if I will never use that piece of information in my life, its satisfactory to know that, hey I know this. I admit, not all of my classes are like this, some I loathe but the majority I actually do enjoy! Maybe this is all because I'm hoping with all my heart that I'll be able to do PSEO next semester. If not, it will be a great and sudden blow, which I think I'll get over anyway.

Another thing is work. I need it so badly yet all my attempts at getting a job are rejected. Others who seem to have much less of an urgency for a job, seem to get all the opportunities. Why do I need a job? No, not because I need clothes, although I do need winter gloves and a scarf and a nice church sweater. If I ever get a job, I doubt my money will be spent on clothes. First, I have about 10 birthdays coming up, as well as thanksgiving, christmas and new years. Also, I now officially pay for my own gas and I drive about 50 miles a day, at least. I also want to start paying for my own phone. And lastly, any other expenses that occur such as contacts, school stuff, etc, I want to pay on my own as well. I've been doing all that all summer and although I only spent maybe 2oo in clothes, (actually I bought shoes and a coat, so only 100 on actual clothes), it has been very liberating.

I guess thats really what I'm aiming at. Liberty. Freedom. Indepndence. I believe I'm ready for more reponsibility, and I want to take it all on me, but I just don't have the resources. I'm actually thinking about going and applying at a food place. I believe I will. Because, I hate asking my dad for money, I really do. It seems unfair to him and rude of me. What has this world come to? :)

As for this guy situation, I'm very glad that I tell my friends the minimum. Its just something not to be shared. And after the retreat, I got my answer, well what I thought was my answer. On the day I was fasting, God gave me a second answer. Now I can see how it all works. Truely its amazing. While I haven't completely shut him out of my life, I have become much more wary and focused on God instead of him. I actually can't wait until he comes just because I want to set things straight. Share my thoughts, and my decision. This time, I want us to pray. It will be impossible for me to get along with a guy who doesn't love God, doesn't have Him as the center of his life because thats what God is to me: everything. As a friend, as a human, he is an amazing, perfect companion for me but there are big issues that we need to straighten out when it comes to our friendship from the God's aspect.

Also, I've found that now that I get up earlier for the carpool deal, I actually have time to pray and read my Bible every morning. And wow, it has been such a blessing. I don't always understand why when I try so hard, God seems so far away sometimes. But one thing keeps me going:

"I know not why God’s wondrous grace

To me He hath made known,

Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love

Redeemed me for His own.

But I know Whom I have believèd,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’vecommitted

Unto Him against that day.

Its an amazing song and really it keeps me going. I really want to be an instrument of God, that He can use me in some amazing way that will bring Him glory. Another song that really means alot to me we used to sing in FBS:

God never moves without purpose or plan.
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long.
In darkness, He giveth a song.

O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake.
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.

That actually has been the song of my life. It actually has! And the best part is that its actually true! So when school gets so stressful, and my job quest is at a dead end, and my friends seem to be so much better, and i dont know what to do with my family and I'm about to give up; all I have to remember is that God is letting me go through this stressful time because in the end, I will be as pure as gold. He's just taking away all the extra layers of dirt and grime that I build up when I stray away from Him. I just need to keep my eyes on my Savior.

I actually can't imgine life for the people who don't know Jesus as their Savior. What do they do when life gets hard? When they feel abandoned, unloved, and alone? As people saved by the blood of Christ, we always have one light shining in the day or night, in the good times and bad, but other don't. Those are the people to whom we are sent to. Not because we're better or privileged, but because they are missing out on the best thing in their entire life. Accepting Jesus actually is life changing, nothing will ever be the same. And I love it.

Like the first song I posted, I've commited to Christ my life, my heart, my desires, emotions, goals, plan, failures, mistakes, happy times and sad times and I trust Him to take care of my until He comes and takes me home. Awesome right? Every believer(I dont like the word Christian too much anymore) has this amazing assurance in Jesus's ability to always love and protect, but also reprimand and discipline. Always for our benefit and not destruction. Now off to the real world full of family fights, homework, joblessness, indecisivness, insecurity, lonliness, unhappiness. Thankfully I won't have to handle any of those things alone, because I have someone much more powerful and all-knowing who can direct me in my choices. Slava Bogu.