There are so many things that are changing in my life right now. Work, school, relationships, outlooks on life: its all so different than it was just half a year ago. Sometimes I feel older than the rest of my friends or classmates even though often I'm actually the younger. Life makes you into who you are, and my life has been very interesting.
Lately, so many things from my past have come back. Its making me think. Its making me re-examine my life and see if I've improved from who I was. And its just good memories to remember. Life is generally good right now! Mostly. I'm a little uncertain about my future. I have so many choices, but what to chose. Stability is not a big factor right now. Which makes me sad! Another thing is love. I don't wanna think about it but it could be true. My love could be one sided. It sure feels like it. But what can I do? He used to make me feel special, but now...I can see myself without him. And the longer this continues, the more I realize that there are others out there. Others who also realize that I'm out here! It was a big discovery to find out what people think of me in my youth. I was pleasantly surprised!
So what should I do? Just pray and wait? Thats all I can do. I wonder if our love is disappearing. If it is, I won't stop it. You can't force love. Often people say that the girl must love and then it will work. Maybe thats true. But what if the guy doesnt? I'm starting to feel that he doesnt. It hurts so much but my poor heart is actually used to it. Thats a sad fact but its true. I wonder if he realizes that I might not keep loving if things keep going this way? I actually believe he think I'll never leave. Maybe he wants to leave. Either way, I need a decision, soon! I don't want to be wasting my life. Especially on something that is becoming harder and harder to love. I hope it works out, but right now, that seems quite unlikely. That makes me sad but the more days that go by, the more I think its right. Time to leave?
I hope I can look back on this post and be able to say that everything worked out well. I don't think anyone wants to fall out of love. But it happens. Either way, I know that its all God's will. Although with each day that passes, I see more in my friends here...and less in my love there. I hope this is simply a momentarily lapse of togetherness. I don't want it to end. No one likes a broken heart. But as of right now, I don't think he loves me very much. And whats the use of loving the one who doesn't love you? (in a non-Biblical sense). Its all so complicated. And I'm at a loss of what to do and what to think. What should I do??
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Little Old Man.
Today I had an encounter with this very old little man. I would say he was in his 80's but I could be wrong. He was hunched over but yet was a good foot taller than me. His washed out blue eyes were slightly watering and his skin was a light white yellow, so thin that you could see most of the veins. His overall appearance gave a feeling of ancientness. What made me notice him was the fact that he was ahead of me in line, but was talking to someone sitting in one of the tables. I was standing behind him for a while but then I asked him if he was in line. He turned around and started rambling about something, to which I impatiently asked a second time if he was in line. He then abruptly stopped talking, then slowly said yes and moved forward to the line. There were several people still ahead of us which gave me a chance to think.
I might have imagined it, but when I asked him the second time, he seemed to be hurt that I wasn't listening to his story. It stunned me to realize that this man in front of me had feelings. Something so simple, yet something I so often forget about. He was so old, so broken down and slow, he seemed almost like a totally alien species to me. But then I began thinking. I looked at him as a real human being. Many years ago, he must have been very tall and athletically built. He must have had goals in life. He must have been in love. He most likely had bright blue eyes and thick light colored hair. He went to a high school and felt the stress of homework. He worried over fights with his sweetheart. He worked hard at his job and saved money for college. Maybe he fought in a war. He must have felt disappointed in his failures at one time. He must have been proud of who he was at one time. He used to be strong, young, and handsome. Someone that others would follow. He loved his car that he bought and took good car of it in his college years. He married the love of his life and they put their lives into raising their family. He once saw an old man walking in the street and hoped he'd never get old.
I don't know how much of that is true, if any of that is true. But one thing happened today. I saw a human as a human. I felt such love for the old man as he told the waiter about his wife that was waiting for him as he slowly ordered his meal. This strange, watery-eyed, hunched over, wrinkled old man was a human. He was once young like me. He once loved like me. He once felt the same emotions to life as I do. And I almost gave that little old man a hug. Because I saw him with the eyes of love. I saw him through the eyes of my Savior. What I saw wasn't an old, wrinkled, slow moving, mumbling old man; it was a real living soul that God specifically created and loves so dearly. Inside that old shell of a body was a human soul that once was just like me. Maybe someday when I'm old, some young person will feel the same way about me. What a difference it makes when we look at people as though they are people. Love changes the way you view the world. Love makes you see people the way the One who is Love itself see them! So when you see someone and you're tempted to judge them, just remember, they are just like you.
I might have imagined it, but when I asked him the second time, he seemed to be hurt that I wasn't listening to his story. It stunned me to realize that this man in front of me had feelings. Something so simple, yet something I so often forget about. He was so old, so broken down and slow, he seemed almost like a totally alien species to me. But then I began thinking. I looked at him as a real human being. Many years ago, he must have been very tall and athletically built. He must have had goals in life. He must have been in love. He most likely had bright blue eyes and thick light colored hair. He went to a high school and felt the stress of homework. He worried over fights with his sweetheart. He worked hard at his job and saved money for college. Maybe he fought in a war. He must have felt disappointed in his failures at one time. He must have been proud of who he was at one time. He used to be strong, young, and handsome. Someone that others would follow. He loved his car that he bought and took good car of it in his college years. He married the love of his life and they put their lives into raising their family. He once saw an old man walking in the street and hoped he'd never get old.
I don't know how much of that is true, if any of that is true. But one thing happened today. I saw a human as a human. I felt such love for the old man as he told the waiter about his wife that was waiting for him as he slowly ordered his meal. This strange, watery-eyed, hunched over, wrinkled old man was a human. He was once young like me. He once loved like me. He once felt the same emotions to life as I do. And I almost gave that little old man a hug. Because I saw him with the eyes of love. I saw him through the eyes of my Savior. What I saw wasn't an old, wrinkled, slow moving, mumbling old man; it was a real living soul that God specifically created and loves so dearly. Inside that old shell of a body was a human soul that once was just like me. Maybe someday when I'm old, some young person will feel the same way about me. What a difference it makes when we look at people as though they are people. Love changes the way you view the world. Love makes you see people the way the One who is Love itself see them! So when you see someone and you're tempted to judge them, just remember, they are just like you.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
This Strange Feeling.
The last few weeks have been terrible, to say the least! Five AP tests, along with regular tests and finals and college entrance test have been overcome successfully! Along with that, I had been working every night for those 2 weeks as well as teaching Bible class on Fridays. I have to say I feel pretty accomplished right now! But this isn't a very happy post.
Today was such a alienated day! I really did feel like I was watching everything but not really being there! It bothers me so much! At school, I'm a foreigner who is mostly quiet and not especially social. At church, there's no stopping me from chatting with someone or being involved in something or just being full of life. It is such a contrast! But you know what I've noticed? I have very little in common with most people in school. That makes me a little sad. Surely there's someone else that believes the same as I do! The single driving passion of their life is Jesus.
I know its hard to understand if you're not a Believer. 1 Peter 2:9 " But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." This verse has been my foundation for these past two days. I'm sad not because I'm slightly anti social at school but because I watch the pointless lives that my fellow students live and my heart cries out to them! One of my friends said today, "Oh you wouldn't understand, you're a strong Christian." I really don't like that word. I'm a Jesus follower, not just a vague Christian! He is my everything!
It is pretty hard not having the constant group of friends with me that I'm used to, or really, not having any real friends in school. Makes me wonder if maybe something is wrong with me. Why do people say I'm different? Why can I not find the right words to say to be accepted? Why do they laugh at something that means more to me than life? Well, Jesus knew this would happen! He left a promise written in John 16:33, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Its such a comfort to know those words, and know they're true! We aren't supposed to fit in with the world, we will be laughed at and criticized but its all worth it!
As a final note, I'd like to add that I'm not dismayed at life or anything. The love of my life is finally coming in 2 days and that makes me so happy. Kid's camp planning has started. My friend's wedding is on Sunday. God is good! School just makes it a little tough but hey, if you're not different than you're the same. And we're not supposed to be the same! "...But be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." He has! And there really is not life more satisfying than a life lived for Christ!
Today was such a alienated day! I really did feel like I was watching everything but not really being there! It bothers me so much! At school, I'm a foreigner who is mostly quiet and not especially social. At church, there's no stopping me from chatting with someone or being involved in something or just being full of life. It is such a contrast! But you know what I've noticed? I have very little in common with most people in school. That makes me a little sad. Surely there's someone else that believes the same as I do! The single driving passion of their life is Jesus.
I know its hard to understand if you're not a Believer. 1 Peter 2:9 " But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." This verse has been my foundation for these past two days. I'm sad not because I'm slightly anti social at school but because I watch the pointless lives that my fellow students live and my heart cries out to them! One of my friends said today, "Oh you wouldn't understand, you're a strong Christian." I really don't like that word. I'm a Jesus follower, not just a vague Christian! He is my everything!
It is pretty hard not having the constant group of friends with me that I'm used to, or really, not having any real friends in school. Makes me wonder if maybe something is wrong with me. Why do people say I'm different? Why can I not find the right words to say to be accepted? Why do they laugh at something that means more to me than life? Well, Jesus knew this would happen! He left a promise written in John 16:33, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Its such a comfort to know those words, and know they're true! We aren't supposed to fit in with the world, we will be laughed at and criticized but its all worth it!
As a final note, I'd like to add that I'm not dismayed at life or anything. The love of my life is finally coming in 2 days and that makes me so happy. Kid's camp planning has started. My friend's wedding is on Sunday. God is good! School just makes it a little tough but hey, if you're not different than you're the same. And we're not supposed to be the same! "...But be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." He has! And there really is not life more satisfying than a life lived for Christ!
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