Going Backwards

I was actually thinking about my blog all day today! Weird right? I think we have an addiction forming! Maybe this addiction will last and I'll successfully keep this going. I doubt it. I lost interest quickly. But anyways, I was reading through some of the older posts, going backwards. Starting from the newest post and moving back. And what I realized what a progression of life. It was actually really cool to read. I also realized I am a bit of a control freak. Not good. But I can understand why. Most things in my life I have had no control over, especially all the bad things that happened to me as a kid and now that I have gained some form of independence, I want it all. I want to make sure that no matter how bad things get, I will always have enough control to stay happy and be as little affected by that situation as possible. Sadly, it never works that way. I will never ever be able to have the control that I want because only God has that kind of control. But thats really not where I was planning on going with this post.

I was planning on talking about him. Surprise, surprise. Well starting at the post after the wedding, these are my exact words:

"I really cant figure out what, but there was something extra special going on. I really cant say what though, just have no idea. But this weekend was amazing in some kind of extra special way. And not because of the handsome stranger either."

And I go on to write about how I bet I'll get sick of from after a week to a month. Well hunnie, the day after youth camp ends, it'll be exactly 3 months. Weird, right? I don't want to jump to conclusions of any sort, but its interesting to see how in every post following that one, there is a little more, little more and little more about him until this recent post was completely and totally about him and how confused I was and blah blah blah. Now I'm sounding like a little child, and I have whole diaries of stories like this actually. I fell "in love" quickly and deeply as a kid and young teen. Its amusing to read, as I believe in 4 years this will be an amusing post to read. Or maybe not. A little tiny though kinda made its way into my head and it said "What if God, in his infinate love and mercy, has chosen to let you meet your prince so early in your life?" First of all, that plain and simple, scares me! And then it warms me to think that maybe its true. After all, everyone's love story is different. Maybe this is mine. But another thing to consider is age. I actually think that maybe I might be a little more grown up than others my age because of my past experiences, but on the other hand, I have a little wilder side than most.

But maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of rewarding? hmm, not a good work. Maybe making up for? no, still not really, ok, recompensing for the crazy childhood which I didn't get to enjoy. And the teen years which are still rather harder for me than for others. Maybe He, who created this fairytale loving soul, has given me the gift of the fairytale? It seems too good to be true! Why would I ever deserve something like that? Its every girl's dream( i think?). And whats so good about me that God would give me mine, especially so early in life.

One thought just occured to me, what if God is preparing me for some remarkably horrdendous times in the future? After all, Grandma is really sick, dad isn't doing that well, its the Poslednie Vremya(Final Days before the Rapture), my lil bros are just growing up, I need LOTS of money for college and gas and life, the economy sucks and every Christian knows that it WILL get worse before it gets better. What a way to rain on any happy princessy thoughts of love that anyone was having previously. Oh dear.

I actually think this is the reason. Well, "trust and obey, for theres no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". A song that we used to sing in elementary school. Hmm, there's another song about worrying about the future but I can't think of it. Well, either way, I sure don't have much control over this (like thats new...) and again, it all leads back to God and the cross. Its a sobering thought, to think that hey, we're living in the final days of this world. Not the final days like our parents thought, but the actual final days. We have proof of that because of the prophecies from Revelation(and others) coming true! Sure makes our problems seem pretty small compared to the big picture.

Speaking of small problems, one of the million reasons why I'm so unwilling to believe that this might be it, is because it doesn't make sense why he picked me! I'm so afraid that he'll come to our youth camp and realize how much prettier, more talented, thinner, smarter, better other girls are and he'll look at me, and wonder what in the world he's still doing here. And he'll leave. That sucks, but it has to be done. I really want to see him interact with other people, and see how he responds to my interaction with others. Because if he's really mine, God will make him mine no matter what. Well, intense prayer is needed of course.

Blah I'm sick of all this. Well, that was a lie, no I'm not but I don't think its healthy to be constantly dwelling on love and such. Better things to do, like enjoy life! This age, is seriously the best. The summer was a turning point, the spring was unbelievable, can't wait for fall and winter. We're serious enough to enjoy seriousness, yet we're young enough to have hilarious moments of craziness. "To everything there is a time and season". How very true. This is our time to devote as much of our energies, breaths, thoughts, everything we have to serving God as young people on fire for Jesus. If we focus all our attention on Him and Him only, He will give us "the desires of our heart". Not even in a love way, in a friendship way, in a academic way, in a economic way, in an emotional way. He has never left anyone who trusted in Him, leave empty handed and broken.

How amazing. Just sit for a second and think about it. How small we are in comparison with the world. And not just the physical world, but take the spiritual world into consideration. In the midst of all this, God is watching your every heartache, every joyful moment. He knows every tear that has fallen from your eye, whether from happiness or sadness. He personally decides whether this tempatation is too hard for you, or whether you're ready to recieve this blessing, or this one, whether you need some extra comfort from the Holy Spirit or whether you need a little reprimand. When you think of that in this context, you wonder why in the world would I ever want to take matters from His all-knowing and powerful hands and put them into my selfish, clumsy hands.

I just read the book of my life so far, "Boy Meets Girl" and this is a quote from the last chapter: "You won't do any of these things because in heaven, you'll see and know the perfection on His plan for you. It won't be theoretical. It won't simply be a promise in the Bible. You'll see it as the undeniable fact that it is." Also, about love: "It's a simple story really. Two people learning to trust God. Two winding paths that God made straight. Two straight paths that he chose to cross at just the right time. "

Its a really amazing book, I recommend it to anyone and everyone. Its just so simple and deep and practical and real! I love it. Wow well, this has been long. I guess I was in a philosophical mood : ) Its so simple, yet so comlicated. Its so real, yet seems too good to be true. Good thing we're not alone, this would be waay to much to handle!

Oh Dear, This is Too Much.

This past weekend was really like a page out of a fairytale book. Everything was perfect, literally. Thats so rare and looking back, I'm so amazed. God was showing himself so so many times. And now I need His help in controlling this fairytale so it doesn't get too out of hand. Right now I'm listening to the song "Future Love" by Kristina DeBarge and its so confusing. I agree with her, but it sounds like what I already have! And that confuses me more! And to a person who is confused easily...this is bad. Right now, my lack of trust in God and my overabundant trust in man is so clearly evident.

He seems perfect. Not as a human, but as a person after my own heart. Our goals are the same, our faith is the same, our intentions are the same(i think?), our trust in God is the same, and yet, its too same. I'm actually so frustrated right now I'm about to burst into tears. Drama queen. Oh well, but it really does mean alot to me. I REALLY don't want a broken heart and really I feel thats what will happen. I'm trying to trust God but its so HARD! I miss him. I really do. Especially after our last night escapade, I just want to see him again so bad.

You know you're becoming attatched when you cry. Although in my case, ANYTHING makes me cry so no suprise there. But oh my goodness, I do believe I'm falling. Not what I had in mind! I was supposed to forget about him after about a week, whats going on here!? And it can't be real love, it just can't. And I'm way too young to even be thinking about this in any deep future sense. And I'm not! But it feels like having your best friend move away! Just you know the one person that brings a smile to your face when you see them.

I just really need God's help. I don't want to let my emotions take control of my level-headness. I don't want to hurry things up when maybe they aren't meant to even be. So many people are saying that this is only temporary, there's so many more things coming my way and they're right! They have to be, because if they're wrong, then this is too good. He can't be the one and only. Eww, that doesn't even sound to great. He can't be the one for me. Yeah that pretty much sums it up. Why can't I just pray about it and let it go, trust God to do His work in us? Because I'm human. And I dramatize everything. But seriously, this feels big, much bigger than anything before. It also feels out of my control.

The princess part of me wishes so much that this could be real and forever while the reality part of me realizes that it probably isnt. The old me wants to take this into my own hands, make it work no matter what, while the new me knows that I need to keep praying and leave it up to God. Big battle? Oh yeah. Writing it out makes it seem so much rational...and complicated! I'm just so thankful that I have friends who can give me intense reality checks every once in a while.
Like at the bonfire on Sunday, wow I almost died of happiness when we were all just gathered and talking and just supporting each other(just us girls). Mashka, karina, ellie, man those especially are the ones that I really could not live without. I have a feeling that Evelinka and I will have quite a bit in common seeing as to what is going on with our love lives and the funny wat they're connected. It'll also give us a better chance to see where we're putting God in all of this.

Oh I feel so much better! Maybe its because he texted. Maybe because I realize that I'm not the only one with problems. And maybe its because I have the best support group in the world. Us 8 are never to be seperated. And plus Karina thats 9. I can't wait to see whats in store for us! Already me and Evelinka are having wars in our hearts against what we want and what we know we should do! I just hope her guy ends up being as inspiring as mine. He actually encourages me to love Christ more. And shows me how little I love and trust Him now. So no matter what, already he's influenced me positively.

I'm so excited for this end of summer, fall, winter to see where God takes us as we turn 17, almost 18 by next year. What changes, what stays the same and how much Jesus has done and will do for us and in us. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by other amazing, supportive people in times when I need it. People who can critisize and uphold, argue and comfort and just be there for you in different ways. One thing I'd want to give everyone is a bunch of good friends like mine. I can actually say mine are the best! Really. And once I go to college(this year or next, we'll see) we can spend even more time togather. Although we don't really hang out or talk that much during the weekdays now that I think about it.

Ahhh I feel so much better. Wow, this helps. I still miss him, especially looking at that rose standing on the dresser. But you know what, I'll be ok. I'm a reslient person. I've learned to get hurt, and bounce back quickly because otherwise, I'd be shattered to the point of no reconstruction. And of course on the very top and in the very center is our God who just asks that we trust Him.

Sunshine

I love sunshine. I really do. I'm one of those people whos mood really is influenced by sunshine. ALOT! Well, its amazing outside. Sunny and a little windy. Not too hot and not humid. Perfect.
I started my day off at work with a pleasant suprise. A little farmer from a little country who is one of the most good looking people I've ever met. I had another suprise waiting for me. A GIANT spiderweb in the bad of potatoes which I didn't notice until I fell right into it...that was pleasant. Otherwise this day has been amazing.

I have an unbelievable craving for some McD's sweet tea. Or anyone's sweet tea really. Hopefully I'll find one on my way home from work, otherwise I'll just stop at dairyqueen or something. Really thirsty. Its been a good day at work. Sold lots of corn, as that is our main goal. I'm not in a very talkative nor contemplative mood, so I doubt this will be long.

Valleyfair was amazing yesterday and the park after. Happy birthday to Yosif and Paul. Love them both to no end, amazing cousins. And I'm super excited for this weekend! Mainly Saturday. Someone I really want to see it coming! And I really need to have a nice talk with him. For those who know me at all, they will be able to tell you that I get sick of things quickly. I like change, not for everything but in the overall sense. Also, I'm try to keep my mind and my feelings away from him because I still think he's too good to be true. My heart has never been completly really broken, just cracked. This guy, has the potential to really break it. Break it so hard that it'll never look the same and I really don't want that. Thats why if it seems as if I'm not that in to him, I am, I'm just trying to ignore it for the sake of my heart. I don't know if I can survive this craving for some sweet tea. I have some tea in the car, but thats too hot for right now.

I don't know, really don't have much to say. I mean I do! I just don't really have any desire to express it. Maybe tonight once I get a chance to really relax for the first time this entire week. All I can do is trust God with our relationship and my future, our future togather and I know that it'll work out just right. Meanwhile, I'll pretend I don't care about him that much but be secretly dying of anticipation to see him again.

Either way, its all out of my control. And for some reason, that doesn't worry me a bit. I like this deal : )

Freezing to Death

Ahh what a cheery title to this post. Well, contrary to how the title sounds, I'm actually having a spectacular life at the moment. Not at this very moment exactly, but in the other moments, in general. At this very moment, I'm sitting at work, in a little open hut, waiting for someone to buy my fruits and vegetables. The wind is so ferocious today, and the lake is this steely gray color, almost matching the sky. The sky is that bright kind of whiteish gray that hurts to look at, yet there's no sun. The formation of the clouds over the lake is beautiful though. Indescribable as well. My only wish is that it was warmer. Much, much warmer. Oh well : )

My cousin from WA is visiting. Sitting at work with me. Its so relaxing here, gives you time to think. And this windy, gray weather is a great set-up for some really deep thoughts. There's too many to share, and I don't think I want to share them all. God has really been showing Himself these past few days, week maybe. Just in little things that make me think more about Him.

That one guy. I'm scared to really expect much from all of this, but can you just imagine how amazing would it be if he was for real? Especially to a girl living in a fairytale like me. But its all up to God. I really can't see such an amazing guy like him, waiting for a simple girl like me. But miracles happen. One thing that all of this has been teaching me is to trust on God. Its such a simple concept but then once you think about it, its not. How hard is it to trust God with everything? Not just the things that you think you should, not the little things, not the big things, but everything. Every thought, every action, every breath. And meeting this guy has actually been teaching me that. I find myself constantly praying about him. Just little stuff, like while I'm driving home, I'll just ask God to bless him at this very moment. And then I'll continue my conversation with God. And you know what, it has brought me closer to God.

Its been pointing my faults out and my weaknesses. Its been helping me just meditate on God. And most importantly, its been showing me God's hand in every little thing. Thats amazing. I can actually never run out of words on this topic. The older I get, the more passionate I get about my Jesus because the more things He keeps doing for me. Its so hard to describe but its so visible in the little things. Just the one fact that God gave me this guy is already a blessing in so many ways. I want to make it clear that I'm not hopelessly and deeply in love and just enamored with him. Nothing like that at all. Its more like someone offering you a blanket on a cold cold day. Wow, what a bad example. But well, think about it. Maybe instead of a blanket...its a friend who has a blanket! Yeah thats better, companionship and warmth and you can see that someone cares.

Its so amazing to know that God cares about me. That no matter what I do, I am his child forever. I can mess up my life to the extent that no one will want me, but God always will want and love me. And its all connected. The fellowship with my friends, an awesome volleyball game, an especially pretty flower, a good day at work, a kind work from a friend, a wink, warm tea on a cold day, it all leads back to God. You can ask, how in the world does it? Well, I'd love to explain for each and every example. Just ask me. But don't be suprised where me train of thought ends up.

On a day like today where the wind is furiously whipping at every living thing, where even the green leaves on the tree look grayer, where the clouds are menacing and the lake in white frothing waves from the wind....its a warming thought to know you have a Savior and Protector in heaven watching you, keeping you safe. Being happy with you, sad with you and in complete control of your life, knowing that if you just try Him, everything will end up perfect. He promises.

Fairytale.

Thats the name of the song I'm listening to. The winner of Eurovision 2009, Alexander Rybak from Norway sings it and oh my goodness, what an amazing song, what an amazing singer, and what an amazing performance. PLEASE look it up on google: Fairytale by Alexander Rybak. I promise you will not regret it. Well thats a little bit how life seems like recently. A fairytale. Not necessarily in the love sense though, not at all. Just everything else.

I have work tomorrow and then off to kid's camp on wednesday morning. I'm so excited for work! If I had a little bit company then it would seriously be like taking a vacation everyday. Although I'm getting a really funny tan on my legs from my shorts. I come home really tired after so much time in the sun, and just walking around and I'm not sure why. So much left to do for kid's camp, I'm unbelievably excited, but at the same time really anxious. Ahh it'll be all good : )

I'm in a very relaxed and laid-back mood at the moment. Maybe that song had that effect on me, I don't know. I must say that he is part of my good mood! Today during work I was reading "Thinking outside the box and Inside the Book" and there was that verse there about God ALWAYS giving us a way out of a temptation. Which made me think of him. Not saying he's a temptation of any sort really, just not someone I usually associate with closely, especially this closely. And weirdly enough, I think the very very few church friends that know about him are have more girlish assumptions(not the word really, but close enough) than I do. I'm actually acting much different than I'd except. I guess I just really don't want to wake up and be disillusioned by what he really is. So far, he's not perfect, no way, but well he seems to be someone I'd like to get to know more. But enough about all that : )

So I've been in a random constant angry, weird mood and Ellie commented on it Sunday night and today reading that book, the author mentioned how one of the side-effects of pride is anger. And oh my goodness that hit home. Everyone knows my battle with pride(Tim squared Bible study inside joke) but recently ive been having crazy doses of pride. So I'm trying to wind down.

And especially in the past few days, God has been showing Himself in these numerous ways all throughout my day! Maybe some people it would matter to but for me, I think its really important. Like when I sent out the Bible verse, the replys I got back were amazing. And on my way to work, I heard a random sermon thing on the radio and ahh it was so encouraging and really tied in with all thats going on. Then sunday was just so evident that Jesus was caring for me. And today, when I opened up for work, there was a Bible verse written on the white board. A verse from Psalm. Turns out the other lady who works is a Christian and ahh just amazing. Its the little things that really make up the big picture.

And the little things are adding up to make up a pretty amazing masterpiece. That reminds of the song, "Fingerprints of God". Theres a few lines that are "And I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at you...you are covored with the fingerprints of God". That is so true. I've decided that I'm gonna try to be more of a skeptic, they're actually a good thing. Ask God to show me, so I can see all the miracles. So I can unserstand what He's talking about. So I can see the little things. I'm just really happy with the way that life is going. I know that it can't always be good but I really would LOVE if everyone read that book that I mentioned before. I have it, I'd love to loan it. I know the author personally, really good friends with his kids. And its an amazing book.

God still has so much to do in me. I still put myself first, pride comes so quickly. I still need to see things through the eyes of others. Stubborness is always there. I need more responsibility. But you know, I know that everything will be ok. "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Thats the verse that really ties it all up. God will provide. Maybe I'll have to wait, maybe He has something that He needs to teach me before it can happen, but in the end, I know that if I close my eyes and let Him lead, that I'll never fall, never to get up. I'll always be able to get back up because when I can't walk, He'll be there to carry me. Yay ending on a happy note today.

So Olenka is coming soon. My amazing WA cousin :) Wedding on Sunday, dad is so cute, all excited to bond with his Oklahoma fishing buddies. And well I'm happy that he's excited about them. Kid's camp is promising, I love the girls in my group, I know most of them very well. Great bunch of counselors. Baptism coming up, congrats to those who pasted the church test. I am SO excited for baptism next year, I think I'll be ready by then. It's probably the biggest thing you'll do in church except for get married. Weddings, cousins, volleyball, camps, work, friends, life....ahh how wonderful. I just need to not get carried away. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." One of my favorite songs. So true.

Summer is amazing. I have so many stories. I need God's blessing so so much for the rest of summer. I miss our missionaries, fourth of july just wasnt the same without them and their awesome cars and just them. Come home! Ahh and then one more group is leaving to Georgia(the country) soon too. Tima, Victor, Roma, Max, Natasha, thats the few that I know forsure. What in the world are we going to do when they leave? Ohh, we get to lead. Vopa, that will be something. Like I said, God's blessing is all we need, ever. But an extra special blessing for the next few months : )

Work. Clean. Pack. Shower. Sleep. Camp.


Here we come!