Sometimes exhaustion can really overtake us. Too many things happening at once. Thats a little bit of how I feel at the moment. Health wise doing ok, but not 100%. School wise, I try but it seems to do little good, so now I'm trying harder. Work wise, its great but it takes a toll on you when you never have time to relax. Church wise, even more work, getting ready for all the summer projects and conferences and etc.
Today was an amazing chance to be home alone for once. Drink some tea, get some rest. It didn't turn out that way because there is just so much to be done all the time. And being the only female in the house, its up to me to do it. I'm just feeling a little worn out right now. I just dream about going back to Cancun, or anywhere like that. Just get away for a little. No family, no work, no school, just life. It sounds amazing but sadly, thats not the way life works. Things have started to move so quickly. Time really is just flying by and I feel like I'm falling behind a little. I wish I had more energy which is why I can't wait for the warm weather!
The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing God is right here beside me, sharing my pain and exhaustion and frustration. He sees it and He's saying just hold on a little longer. Your break will come and until then, work as hard as you can. Today was a chance to do some Bible study homework and just reflect on the love of my Savior for a while. Its been too long since I've been able to just sit down and think about my relationship with my Jesus. It was a great time, I've missed silence and peace. Then the family came home, and life returned to its usual chaotic state. I'm feeling a little down from all this lack of sleep, food, and time but I know it'll get better.
God has something amazing waiting for me and until then I can just go one day at a time. Somedays seem like they'll be great, but by the end of the day, I'm so emotionally and physically tired I can't even think. Its all a process of growing up and I don't like it! It takes so much away from me, but you know, at least I'm giving something back. Being a Christian is all about giving others you love, time, energy, everything. And its not easy but its so worth it. Just need to keep my priorities straight. Even though sometimes I feel like what I do doesn't really matter, no one really cares, and I'm just wasting my time, I know I'm not. Life isn't about me, its about God and His creation. That is so hard to remember! Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up because it feels like no one really cares...why am I even trying!? And then I have to remind myself that God has a plan, someday I'll know exactly what it is, but for now, just keep on living.
Its hard but those moments when you feel God is so close that you're brought to tears, they're really worth it. Those kind of moments help you remember that Someone does love you and is watching over you even when it feels like no one understands or even cares. Those moments are so frustrating, make you just want to go outside and scream to the world how much pain you have inside of you and how nothing ever changes. I know exactly how that feels. Try being the only girl in a family...a family that brings you so much pain and tears through their words and actions that they often don't even realize. At times like that, I get reminded that the only one that will always be there is God. A simple prayer really can help. Just close your eyes and tell God everything that is on your heart and while it might not magically solve itself, at least you know that now its in God's hands.
I used to try to control my own life. Keep it in my hands. I knew I was strong enough to overcome anything. I'm like that, nothing really hurt me, I always bounced back. But as I kept growing up, I realized that I could get hurt, and I did. My plans always failed and my people always failed me too. Thats when God came into the picture. Actually trusting Him, not just saying you trust Him but actually put your entire life out there and say, "Its all Yours". After my friends fail, my family doesn't understand, even my sweetheart makes me cry, I have to constantly remind myself that Jesus is the only one I can rely on. He will always be there and He has an exact number for all the times that my heart was groaning with the pain life brought. He has an exact number of teardrops that I've cried and He knows how tough life can be. And He won't forget about it, He will always be carrying me. Sometimes, all we need in life is Someone to hold us tight and say that it'll be ok.
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