The Very First One.

I've started so many diaries and never finished any of them. Although I am coming close to finishing one, just a few pages left! I always though it would be interesting to have a blog. Just for fun. And so far, it is fun. An online diary of sorts, I suppose. Maybe not really. But we'll see.

Thats how everything ends up. "We'll see". As if we have no control over it. These last couple of weeks especially have taught me so many lessons. After speaking up and telling about my blessings during youth meeting, I was interested in the change of attitude toward me. Maybe now people will really begin to realize that I'm not the same person I was even a year ago. Jesus is changing me.

Which is why it makes me so sad to hear and see the way people act. Comparing it to the way my cousins and just our group from the youth acts...its easy to see the difference. Which makes me wonder, they're all the same age. Whats so different about us? And then I remember. Its not a religion, its a relationship. And that makes all the difference.

How amazing it is! I really wish I could just somehow have everyone feel the happiness that only Jesus can give. You can't describe it, but it overwhelms any feeling you've felt before. I can't always feel the special happiness after all, we're still human. But even in those cases, you never ever feel alone. People don't understand why we "get into it" so much, but its only because they dont know.

As great as this is though, it can oh so easily lead to pride. I joke about it and Paul and Igor jokingly showed the verses about pride, but seriously, its important. Sometimes I dont even realize it, but I keep catching my thoughts on "oh yeah, im definatly better than her" in this or this. I hate that so much! Just because Jesus washed our mistakes away with His blood doesnt mean that it makes me somehow better. If anything it should make me worse, because I see the magnitude of everything. Guess I'll just keep working on it.

And school. Oh school. I wish so much that there would be more Russians, Ukrainians there. I love my buddies so much but its so hard to make them understand. School is this temporary little thing which has very little to do with my real life. Its not that Slavic people are so much different, not at all, although there's some differences. Its that youth and church becomes the center of my life. And all the youth's lives as well. And they just dont understand that! I wish I could go to college like the rest of my friends and just leave this all behind but nope. Maybe God put me here for a special reason. I bet I still have so much to learn, not even academically. More of socially and spiritually. But ahh its so much harder. And my lazy spirit is having to work harder to live my life pure and serve God through everything.

I worry sometimes. If maybe I'm not a great example. I know from my own experience that people watch you. They remember everything. And its so scary to think maybe I'm a bad representation of a Christian sometimes. I really dont like that word at all, Christian. Its so general (and has a bad rep.) I'd say I'm more of a Christ follower. And last week Justin said something during AP Euro which made me wonder. He said something like "What so different about Baptists than Presbyterians, Lutherans, etc?" And you know what...he's right! Who cares whether earrings are bad or not? Or whether the Lord's Supper should be given once a month or every week. What matters is praying the prayer, asking God to forgive you and acknowleding that Jesus died for you. Thats a powerful thing. After watching " Passion of the Christ" and getting some idea of what Jesus went through, I remember that during that whole time of intense suffering and pain, He was thinking of me. And of everytime I would lie, sneak out, cheat, anger, get prideful, hate, drink, evny someone. And every mistake I'd ever make would hurt Him more and more.
There's still some complicated stuff I dont get about that but it doesnt even matter!

These are gonna be looong blog posts. Me and my love of talking and talking and talking and talking! But its true. And its gotten to the point that seriously, every conversation I have brings my thoughts back to God. Of course I cant really say it all the time but seriously, everything goes back to Him. And thats been proven over and over and over in my life! How amazing! But the more I try to live for Jesus, and live pure and not get angry, or jealous, or prideful...the more temptations I have! The more I want to not do something, the easier it seems to come to me! But one thing I've noticed, praying for someone always always helps. Just randomly. And it'll work. Amazing.

Homework...should probably get started on that. Or cleaning. Or be anywhere but on the computer. But its so nice to finally have somewhere where I can just say what I feel. Haha what if I always said what I was feeling? Dang, life would not be very fun for people around me. Although I must admit, its easier to be happy now that school is ending : ) So many plans for summer. Im SO SO SO SO SO nervous I wont get accepted in LWBC. I dont know what I'll do then. Ah well its all in God's hands. Dad went fishing without me : / We need to get a frisbee! Oh boy, here come random thoughts. Although they really are structured..just in my way! I miss my laptop. Its so cold in the basement on the desktop! GRR. Oh well.

I have a feeling I'm going to write here often. Its a good place to let everything out. Although bad moods I'll try to keep to myself! What a great day its been! A little tiring. I need to get more active! Hopefully I can go to volleyball on wednesday night. Gotta talk to dad about it. And now off to continue with life...