Every Fingerprint is Different

I'm feeling very confused at the moment. Nothing especially memorable has happened recently..then why do I feel so strange? Not happy, not sad, not energetic, not listless. I dont have a headache, yet my head aches in a numb way. This is just too weird. Today was a beautiful day, weather-wise. Yet, something is wrong! If only I knew what. Maybe..its the uncertainty of things. I have realized that I have little to no control over my life..and that sucks. So many events that are so important to me, I really have little influence over. Maybe thats why I feel so strange. Maybe I'm just being my typical overexagerative self.

I've also realized how distinct each personality of each one of my friends is. There are the good things and there are the bad, but each of us is so uniquly different! Its just so amazing! I seem to be the girly,dreamy,blonde one who waits for her prince and still considers herself a princess. I truely thought that the majority of my friends are exactly like that, but oh my, I am wrong! There's the little ballerina, who has a strong spirit and a bright mind but is wild dreamer of sorts. There's the other little ballerina, who has a deep artistic mind with a passion for expression. There's the crazy loud one who doesn't know what she wants yet but is ready to work for it. There's the focused, determined one who has a fiery spirit. There's the broken hearted one whom God keeps melting in order to build up. There's the one who has a side thats crazy and loud yet she wants to be successful and demure. We are all so so so different. I think I got a gift as well. Same gift as my dad has, the ability to read people.

Hannah commented on this in math, she said something like "You notice things dont you". And I do! I very rarely express what I notice, just file it in for future pondering. I find people fascinating! The myriad of differences God created in each person and yet, there's enough commonalities to make frienships. Its so intricate and beautiful. Looking at people and theire personalities, how can someone say this was all created on accident? That we evolved from animals? No! Each personal preference, each personality trait was specifially created by God to specifically create that specific person. It actually gives life a legitimate meaning. To know that you, yes you! were created cell by cell specifically to be exactly as you are...why that means that there's someone out there who loves you! And knows exactly who you are, even better than you know! Wow, let that sink in.

And Annichka from TN wrote me a little note before she left. I love little notes like that! Thats the kind of stuff I keep and reread in 15 years. Well in her note, she added this little bit that really touched me. "I have a feeling that you will do extraordinary things through God in your life." That was like a jolt! Wow, maybe she's right. Maybe God does have someting special in mind for me. Maybe thats why he keeps making these things happen to me. Why did mom die? Why did dad get addicted? Why did we get into the accident? Why was I hospitalized? Why is my health always in danger? Why did I have to leave FBS and come to Edina? Why is dad disabled? Why cant I go to college? Why cant I find a job? And you know what...those are all little pieces of a big puzzle, my life! Someday, everything will be clear.

Some people call this a romantic thing. A crutch for a weak person. Just my imagination. But really, I KNOW its true. People will ask me to explain this, but I cant. I'd love to with all my heart, but is something you understand only after Jesus becomes your Savior. Ha that makes me sound like I'm saying I'm better than others. Oh my, I am NOT. I've done bad things, some bad things that I really dont regret that much. But I try not to do some things...ahh I'm so bad at phrasing things! Grr! Well, main point, Its true.

One of the biggest things I hear is people at school calling me innocent. "Oh you dont know things? you're just too innocent." Well, when did innocence become bad? I strive to keep my innocence although yeahh lost it in some aspects. This culture just pushes us young people to try everything as fast as we can and in a big of doses as we can. Why? Who knows.

And its so hard to not feel inferior when guys chose "those" girls over you. Like that one saying, "Girls are like apples on a tree. Guys pick the ones that have fallen off the tree and are rotting on by the roots because those are the easiest apples to eat. But the best and more sought after apples in the end, are the ones at the very very top because they are the most protected and freshest." Thats kinda what me and Anya were talking about. If he's not willing to respect you and actually mirror your love of God, then he's not worth it. God has something extra special for you, if you let God take control. And AHHH that can be so so so so hard! I recently read "Authentic Beauty". Its an amazing book that I borrowed from Karina. It talks about all these things and I encourage every girl to read it. It will help you I guarantee!

So my handsome stranger is now not constantly in my thoughts! What a relief! I have much else to worry about! But I still wonder about him, and pray. Maybe he is something special. Maybe not. Either way, why bother worrying. Although I still respect him oh so much. And my plans for this summer...ahhh. I guess I'm not going to LWBC : ( and Summer Retreat is the same time as Illinois camp...so I'm torn. But again...its all in God's hands.

The future is so uncertain! Its just crazy, but I really think that it'll all be ok. So many things happening, I dont even have to energy to write about them. And its all coming up so fast. Got a new bumper on my car : ) but the check engine light is one again and my car is using up an abnormal amount of gas...again...grrr. But hopefully that'll all work. One more day left in the week : )