Flashback Friday

Found this gem not too long ago, and after some consideration, I will try it again. Warning to anyone who may stumble upon this post: I am a bit disorganized and am an imperfect work in progress! I have gotten better at organizing and prioritizing my life, as well as managing my time appropriately, so I hope to make something of my on-again off-again blog! 

Bear with me as I go though the old posts and don't laugh! Or do ;) It is good to be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while, as I am, reading through my flashback posts. 

Now that I have a sweet but often wild toddler, life is significantly more interesting and hopefully that will reflect in my blog posts! For now, here is a picture of my honeybun at the park this past week, doing what she loved most! 

Quote of the Day (April 8)

Don't wait. The time will never be just right. -Napoleon Hill.

 

Wary Optimism

With each passing day, I appreciate everything that is around me more and more. There is something so beautiful in every day. At the same time, there is always something so painful and terrible in each day. The only way to see the beauty is to forget the sadness of that day. Life will always be painful, but how much easier is it to live enjoying every simple thing. A heart in love can be quite exhilarating but this heart is realistically in love. Happiness and sadness come hand in hand and there is nothing we can do! But often, it is a choice we make of whether we want to focus on our sadness or on our happiness. Wedding planning is so very stressful. Many tears, many sleepless nights, many headaches. And yet, it is the happiest time of my life so far. Something so new, so exciting! Every leaf, every cloud, every morning is special because you never know what the next day will bring.

 I don't want to leave my beautiful Minnesota. Everything is so special to me. So many memories. Basically my whole life has been spent in this church, in these few towns. And now, its time to leave all of this behind. Start all over. I can do it, but its already quite rough. This is where my beloved Savior comes in and shows me that I can't do everything by myself. I always need Him, whether or not I realize that. And when all these things fall out of my control, He is right there to remind me that He had been here all along, I've just been ignoring Him. Not only do I feel ashamed but I also feel slightly dimwitted. Why have I been trying to do this by myself when He already has everything figured out! 

Love is beautiful. Love is painful. But the love of my Creator is always worth it. And honestly, that's enough for me.

Update.

Update on my life:

I am getting married.

And then there is all the other news! I am moving out to dear Oklahoma. I am graduating, hopefully! At the same time, I hope to be accepted into the nursing program. Also at the same time as all of this...I am getting married!!! I don't know if I made this clear... I AM GETTING MARRIED.

Married. Ah. What?!

I know we always dream about it. We have our future weddings all planned out in our minds. But one day, all of a sudden, the man we love will get down on one knee and ask you to be his wife. And then, you will find yourself planning out an actual wedding that will have an actual date on which it will occur. Its pretty real. And its pretty scary. I'm an old fashioned kind of girl that believes once one gets married, it is forever. So on June 11, I will join my life with his, forever. Every single second for the rest of our lives, I will be his wife and he will be my husband. And that is why its scary! You just hope to not make a mistake. Because those days will come, where you'll feel like you made a mistake. Only lets hope those days are very rare.

Reality has brought me down from flying in the clouds of love. College, work, life has been far too stressful for me to really be enjoying this time. Hopefully something will change. And if not, no worries, just take life as it is :)

Mixed.

I wonder what a more descriptive word for "mixed" would be. Confused maybe? But I'm not confused really. I'm more experiencing a large variety of emotions. So it feels mixed. I'm worried about my health, I really do think I can be a hypochondriac but with good reason! I hope there is nothing wrong but I'm still glad that I have to go get a TB test for nursing because then I can ask for a full physical just to make sure I am healthy.

Also, who knew that separation was so painful. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life! He comes home after tomorrow (or tomorrow basically) but it feels like it's been much longer. You think you know the meaning of love, but then you find out again and again that it is much more than you think! Maybe this is why I've been more worried and just sadder lately, because he's so far away. I never realized how big of a part of my life he is and how much of a blessing! Thankfully, he's coming home soon.

Also, I am very happy. I upgraded my room today and it looks beautiful and I am very satisfied with my work! And I have the most amazing family and friends and God really does bless me! When I see people who are less fortunate, it reminds me how lucky I am! But its not luck, its all God!

I guess its just hard for me to grasp the idea that the big, mighty God cares for me. And watches over me and has my whole life in His hands. Who am I that He would love me so much? I feel so small in comparison with the rest of the world and my small being can't possible survive all alone in this world. I actually don't think I can survive sometimes. I guess those are the times where I need to remember that God actually does love me, more than anything else. He actually knows every single one of my dreams and hears every one of my thoughts, and when I'm sad, He's right there, and when I'm happy, He's still there! That is awesome. There's no other word to describe it! I can't believe I forget that the great Creator of this world is my love, my king and He protects me and has my whole life planned out so that I am ultimately so very happy. He has everything in control and when people say, it'll be ok in the end...it really WILL be ok in the end because I'm not alone in the world, in my sadness's and worrys, Jesus is always right there. Its true! A verse that I found to be true is, "The Lord keeps His promises, He is gracious in all He does." Psalm 145:13. Its true! Unlike the rest of this crazy world, Jesus always keeps His promises, and His promises are pretty amazing! :)

Adventures. New Year.

The title is a bit deceiving. But it is true. Life is an adventure. Everyday is different than the last or next. Every day I wake up thinking this is day is not gonna be like yesterday. Even if I don't do anything! Sometimes I wish life would hurry, just a bit so that I could finish some things or just move on in life a little bit. But then life is so precious. Why should I hurry? Just enjoy every day, even the day days because during those days, I can be happy that I have better days!

I made my list of new year resolutions. It doesn't look easy but I know I can do it! I like new years because they make me feel like I just got a second chance at life. The things that I did wrong last year, I can do better this year! My number one resolution is to be more loving. Everyone needs love and most of us don't get enough of it! And if I won't be more loving, then who will?

As for adventures, this year is an adventure all on its own. I graduate this year. And I also finish my first year of college. I turn 18. I get a new passport. I get to work in a hospital for the first time. I might be married this year (maybe). I might move this year. I'm going on a mission trip this year. All of this is if God wills, then I will do it! It will be an eventful year! :)

Meanwhile, I'll try to make the best of every day. Be more positive. More loving. And more willing to let God take my life where He wants it! Because I know he has something pretty awesome planned for me this year. For all of us! Happy New Year :)

While I'm Waiting.

There's a song by John Waller, I think, its called While I'm Waiting. The lyrics are basically describing my life at this time. "I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord, I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You, Lord, Though it is painful, But patiently, I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience, While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting..."

If you could sum up my life in a few sentences (which is realistically impossible), those lyrics would be it. Another year has passed. And you know what, God gave me what I asked Him for. I asked Him for a burning passion towards people. People I don't know or care about. And He gave it to me. I found my mission. People. Especially kids. I love working with kids because they seem so close to little angels. So innocent, and yet you learn so much from them.

This entire summer, fall, and now winter, God has been slowly working in me. He's been slowly, patiently, removing all the hardness in my heart. He's getting rid of my need for controlling everything. He is making me so dependent on Him, and honestly, its making my life better. I always, always messed things up. Jesus never, ever messes anything up. This is tested and proven countless times in my life. But in order to make me more purer, more peaceful in Him, there were some storms I had to pass through.

This year, God gave me not only a burning passion to the people of this world, but also, to one person in particular. This burning love is very different from the other one. I never asked for this love, I sure didn't want it right now. And yet, because of His endless mercy and grace, guess what happened? God took my hard heart, my stubborn character, and he broke it. The girl who was always one step ahead of love, always far enough not to get hurt, always far away enough not to care to much, finally stepped into real love. Not infatuation, but real pure love. From the start I'm gonna say that it has been an extraordinary amount of work, but when its from God, its unbelievable.

When I met him, almost 2 years ago, I had just decided for myself that I will focus on God alone. No love, no dating, nothing of that sort. And about half a year after that decision, God made our paths cross. I won't tell my love story yet because its not finished yet. But once it is, I'll let the whole world know :)

About the waiting part...I'll say it straight out. This guy is the one and only guy in this entire world of 6 billion people that I would say yes to and marry him. And that fact has made such an impact on my life. I need to finish my nursing, but I can't because I think God told him some other plans. Mostly, my life is at a bit of a standstill because I'm not sure exactly what God wants me to do. If something ;) doesn't happen soon, then I will be applying for the nursing and then I'll be able to plan ahead again. But for now, I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for my love's decision. I'm waiting for God's answer. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. For a girl who has a big lack in patience, this has been the ultimate lesson. I have no control over what is happening, so all I can do is wait! But wait (haha), there is something I can do! I can serve Him while I'm waiting! And once I heard that lyric, it just pierced through my heart and I know my answer.

Once I heard that lyric, "While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting", I knew that was God's way of giving me a hug. He was letting me know that He can hear me. He knew my tears of uncertainty, He heard my quiet, lost prayers, and He knows exactly what He's going to give me. And I know whatever it is, it will be worth the waiting. And now, every time I get frustrated and cry out to God, "Where are you, why is nothing happening in my life, are You even listening?" I remember that song...

So I'm not sure how my life is going to be next month, I'm not sure what is going to happen. But its ok. Because I'm waiting on God. And He has something planned. And while I wait, I'm gonna pour my heart into people and serve and love and be sweet and gentle and reflect the majesty of my Savior and one day...He will reward my patience. One day, I'll see that all this waiting, it was totally worth it. And that day, I'm going to praise Him and be oveflowing with happiness because I waited and God gave.

Love is amazing but uncertain. Work is uncertain. College is uncertain. Friends are uncertain. But guess what isn't uncertain. God. He always hear me. He always sees me. He knows the cries of my heart. He knows what I feel when I can't even describe it. He sees my waiting. And will show me what I was waiting for. And because of my patience, it will be better than anything I had ever expected. Because my God is good!

I'm waiting. I'm waiting on You, Lord. And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it's not easy, But faithfully, I will wait.