Like a Million Raindrops.

Thats actually a line from a song, a song which I'd rather not remember right now. Its a great song, just not in the mood for it. I'm not sure what mood I'm in. One feeling really stands out though. I feel like I'm on the brink of something big. Something new, something totally different. Our life is constantly changing, whether we notice it or not. But every once in a while, our life drastically changes. Not in any particular way, but we notice it and the people around us do too. I feel like that gonna happen. I have so much enegry but no way to release it! So I cook and clean and spend time with my family, and the weirdest out of all of this is the fact that I like it! I heard someone say that once that happens to you, you're probably gonna get married soon. To which I say, NOO!

Truthfully, it sounds absolutely wonderful though. To get away from here, or to just have him here. But either way, have a secure future more or less. Right now everything is so unpredictable. Again, it feels like I'm not good enough for anyone! People say looks don't matter much, its whats inside that counts....yeah well, good luck convincing me of that! I really want to be perfect for him. In every single way possible. Perfect looking, perfect personality, perfect home skills, perfect love for Jesus. Thats obviously unrealistic, I know, but nonetheless, I believe in it. This whole thing has me a little scared. I'm putting too much of him in my life, but not enough of HIM (get it? too much of my friend, but not enough of God).

I really really want a close relationship with God. I miss Him. When thoughts like these come, that why can't people just love me for who I am, what more do I have to do to be accepted, what am I doing wrong...I just remember that all these feelings were already previewed by Jesus. He knows exactly what I'm feeling and why and best of all, He knows for what reason. Again and again, "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose". And they do. Every single time I feel left out, like no one loves me, like all of my friends are better than me; all I have to do is remember that God is letting me experience this for a reason. Its really a comforting thought! Even though I feel so alone, I'm not. And not only is God with me, but He also knows where I'm going!

It literally makes my heart sing. Just how amazing, how awesome, how powerful is the God I serve. His presence is undeniable. How can people look outside and watch the pouring rain, hear the booming thunder and say that there is no God?! Just studying the way our veins take blood around our body, wow, its amazing. Brings me back to that message that we watched in camp. Look it up on youtube: Louie Giglio - Laminin.

Its amazing really. Its just a clip of the whole thing, but its a pretty powerful part. I guess sometimes we forget what really matters. Yeah it seems big that you don't get invited, that you might not fit completely with the youth, that he'll get tired of you; what really matters is living our every breath for the glory of God. Man, I sure have forgotten that lately. I got so caught up in my social life, that God had been slowly getting pushed back. I kept looking past all the little things that He kept doing for me. The little prayers He has been answering. I prayed for a good intense volleyball game, He gave me 3 awesome games. I prayed that the camp would leave me satisfied and happy, He gave me the happiness I never even expected. I prayed that God would let him visit so I could just see him, He gave me one of the best visits I've had with my friend. Just so many little things that make me so happy, and I take it all for granted.

Camp overall was awesome. I really liked it! The ending soured it, but oh well, thats what Russians are. It really depended on what you came for. The topic of the camp was Personal Relationships with God. Something I personally really had to hear. Also, him visiting for a few hours made it so much more special. The amazing talk we had and to spend time with some of his friends and my Karina. Speaking of which, she's the one I can look at and feel happy again! She doesn't have to be invited to all our group stuff, yet she's happy. Her life is finding its own course. I really could not ask for a better friend. She's shared the best moments of my life with me. And yet, there's so much about her that she doesn't tell the world. See, I want to be like that. I'm getting better at it : ) My friends don't know half the things that go on in my life. And again and again, I want to thank God for my friend. The special one. Our conversations aren't even about us most of the time, they're about our friends, family, lives. Thats so amazing. Helps with the whole pride thing too and lets us both find out so much about each other.

Our friendship has come to the point where I really do care about it. If he cut off all communication suddenly, wow it would hurt. Quite a bit. But I can honestly say that I haven't given away any emotional or physical part of myself. Thats the point of this friendship. And of course, its natural to miss a friend, or to be happy when they write, but not overly so. One problem is that I don't feel good enough for him. I can't say I have the best personality out of everyone(i have problems too) and he seems so amazing. I'm most definatly not the prettiest girl out there while he's riduculously handsome. He seems too good yet I can see his faults. And they make him seem all the better. He's my one ray of sunshine in the scary looking future. Oh and can't forget the family, from both sides : ) The stories...oh funny. You know, all in all, my life is great.

I will say that I've been through more in my few years than some adults will go through in their entire lives. And God did say He has an extra special plan for all the orphans out there. Maybe my friend is part of this extra special plan? How amazing that is. That God really cares. I really can't stop being amazed. People say that religion is for weak people and while that may be true for religion, its so not true for this. This isn't religion, its life. Its a happiness, a peace, a unearthly feeling of knowing you're loved and watched over and He's in control. Why in the world would someone want to discard this precious gift of salvation, I can't even comprehend that! I can just imagine how hard it is for unbelievers to understand. Its like trying to describe water to someone who's never seen or heard of it. How do you tell them that you can't live without it when they've never tried it. Our God is like that. It impossible to try some of Him and live without Him. Our souls were designed to search for a higher power, for a deeper meaning to life. God designed us this way in order for us to find Him. Pretty powerful.

Guess we'll end on a happy note today. Its gloomy,raining and cold outside, but Jesus knows. He knows that you're sad or frustrated or unloved. He has a perfect reason for letting you go through that happiness or sadness. It will all end up for good if we let go and say "Jesus, just gonna keep my eyes on You and trust You to make sense of this crazy life for me because I know I can't."

Whoaaa.

You know, like when you're riding a horse, and you say "whoaaa, to slow down"? Yeah thats what I mean. Also when you've just finished racing someone on a nice car, and you've won and you have adrenaline still rushing through your veins and you say, "whoaaa". Thats also what I mean. Another way is when you're sitting with your friends over a campfire and you look up at the sky and you go "Whoaaa". Thats another thing I mean. Just moments that take your breathe away, in the good sense and bad.

Let's do bad first, just to get it out of the way. I've come to realize that I am a form of a perfectionist in the way that I want to please everyone. I want to be perfect at volleyball, without a fault. I want to be a perfect example in church, with nothing for people to call out. I want to have the perfect friendship with all my friends (one in particular) so that God is happy with my efforts. I want to be a perfect sister and daughter. A perfect future wife, a perfect student. And all this seems within my reach, except not quite. No matter how much I try, there is always someone who says its not enough. And I'm actually at a loss. I can't be perfect, I know, but I can try. And I'm just confused. Am I trying too much or not hard enough? Leave it up to God. Haha, well yeah I have, but He also says I need to put a little effort of my own in. And lately I've been slacking off so much, I need to catch up! I have potential, I know and I want to use it to the fullest.

But blahh, enough about serious things. I'm not in a depressed mood, that was yesterday. Today is good : ) So about moments that take your breathe away! I love them, I'm sure we all do. Every single person has had a point in their life where they just take a deep breathe and go "whoaa". Thats been happening alot to me lately. A beautiful sunset can make me just blank out and go "whoa, God this is amazing". Nature has that affect, at least on me. I think because it brings us closer to the Creator in the pure, undefiled way that nature can be. Also, going fast. I will admit, I like flashy things. I like tinted windows and roaring cars. Racing other cars on the highway will make me feel undescribable. Like I'm in a spinning world of bright colors and it really does take your breathe away. Literally.

Also recently, there's another aspect that can take my breathe away. The way someone can smile at you. If you look into someone's eyes, really into their eyes. Thats actually a thing I can't do. I really can't look into his eyes because (I'm dead serious), I'd probably faint. I did it once and I actually got lightheaded and as I looked away, one thought: "Whoaa". And seeing him for the first time in over a month, it was like a gust of wind hitting me. Knocked the breath right out of me and it was another whoa moment. Haha wait till camp. The entire time there will be a whoa moment. Which is why I'm scared. Have too many of these moments and you start thinking you got something special. And why not? I've talked to all these couples and they agree and even support the idea. But I don't understand. It can't be anything special because that would make me the luckiest human being on this planet. And I don't deserve anything like that. I highly doubt that God would write this into my love story. But the thought still creeps up on me, "what if He did?" What if this is part of my love story? I just got goosebumps. Okaay, new topic.

More good news. I've noticed a change in me : ) Thats very exciting! I think its a change for the better too! We'll see. I just feel like this upcoming few months, year, whatever will be a lifechanging time for us(me and my friends). God will begin to show Himself in ways we never ever imagined. And its gonna be to us. I was pondering that at work today. Why in the world would the Maker of the stars care about messing with my love life? Why would He care if I was happy or not? Its not like I'm important. But then...to Him I am. Thats a humbling thought. That God who seems to have so much better things to worry about, would listen intently to my every thought, keep track of my every tear, and smile with my every accomplishment. Why in the world who someone ever do that!? Because He loves me. And this is where you begin to understand the concept of love.

After reading all those books, I feel like I know a little more about love and such. All I have to do is look at the cross though. Its a story that we know soooo well. Its just gotten old. I really don't know why, but recently its gotten so clear for me. I think I'm finally understanding the depth of the sacrifice God made. And its real. Its not just some story from 2000 years ago. I see it lived out by millions of people, millions of stories, millions of mistakes and millions of forgiven ones. Thats why I love those "whoaaa" moments. They pause time. They stop everything and just let you take in the beauty of God's majesty and power.

When I say "beauty of God's majesty and power", I'm not just talking about the early morning sunrises and the deep river valleys. I'm also talking about two people connecting in a way that neither has ever experienced. You can say, how does that have to do with God. It does, its all about Him. He created the need and longing for love. He created the fulfilling sense of joy when after a long wait, two people realize they're in the center of His will. When they can just look into each other's eyes, and have stories told to each other without anyone saying a word. God created that bond and He is sharing in your complete joy of every "whoa" moment. Thats awesome. What about the adrenaline rush "whoa"? How does God have to do with that? He does. He gave you that sense of reckless abandonment. Its part of his special plan for your very own personality. And He takes pleasure in seeing you enjoy His gift to you. You can expand on this so much more, but I'm too tired.

It literally gives me goosebumps when I realize that this spectacular feeling that has left me breathless is being felt by the Maker of our universe too. Kinda makes you feel special, right? And small. Like the song: "Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt?". Well, He cares because of what Jesus did. Because His Son willingly came and took all those sins and died for them. Thats a vague statement. Hmm, you know that guilty feeling you get after you do something bad, something really bad? Well every single person's guilty feeling of every single bad thing that they did(think of all the murderors, the pedafiles, the prostitites), all those guilty feelings were loaded on Jesus, at once. Just imagine that. I can't. Its too much, but it happened. And while all those feelings were pressing down on Him, God turned away. Its like having the best friend of your life leave you at your worst. Meanwhile, that entire time, He was saying your name and saying, this is for you. He was picturing your face. Intense. But real.

That why these "whoa" moments are so special. Because at that very second, God is smiling and saying this is because I love you so much. See this is why I'm eternally thankful that God sent him into my life. Because of moments when I can see how much God loves me. He wants me to be happy. Thats new! He just wants me to close my eyes and let Him write my love story. I'm trying. So far, its better than I ever imagined. And this might not even be the real love story of my life. Wow, what a thought! This is amazing, but it gets better?

You know, it really doesn't matter whether it gets better or not. Jesus is the one I need. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life for me, willingly! And He doesn't care what I've done, where I've been, He just wants me to keep my eyes ahead and looking straight at Him. Ahh this is why I can't wait to see him. To share some of this stuff(not too deep) and to hear what he has to say. How can people not have something to talk about when we can just talk about our Creator? (not saying we ever ran out of things to say,ever). Another thing is many people have told me that God has something special in store for me, and that preacher says said that orphans(full or half) always get extra special blessings from God. Thats probably my one hope. That maybe all this random stuff wasn't because I'm an extra bad person. Maybe He just has something special in store. Oh how I'd wish for it to be true.

In "When God Writes Your Love Story", it talked about how every single person will have to go through some period of lonliness before God will bring them their Prince/Princess. Well, been there, done that. But the one thing I cannot do is feel like I deserve something. Because I don't. Alright, I literally just ran out of steam. Not literally, but my brain literally just stopped thinking intensely. So I guess that's it for today : )

Going Backwards

I was actually thinking about my blog all day today! Weird right? I think we have an addiction forming! Maybe this addiction will last and I'll successfully keep this going. I doubt it. I lost interest quickly. But anyways, I was reading through some of the older posts, going backwards. Starting from the newest post and moving back. And what I realized what a progression of life. It was actually really cool to read. I also realized I am a bit of a control freak. Not good. But I can understand why. Most things in my life I have had no control over, especially all the bad things that happened to me as a kid and now that I have gained some form of independence, I want it all. I want to make sure that no matter how bad things get, I will always have enough control to stay happy and be as little affected by that situation as possible. Sadly, it never works that way. I will never ever be able to have the control that I want because only God has that kind of control. But thats really not where I was planning on going with this post.

I was planning on talking about him. Surprise, surprise. Well starting at the post after the wedding, these are my exact words:

"I really cant figure out what, but there was something extra special going on. I really cant say what though, just have no idea. But this weekend was amazing in some kind of extra special way. And not because of the handsome stranger either."

And I go on to write about how I bet I'll get sick of from after a week to a month. Well hunnie, the day after youth camp ends, it'll be exactly 3 months. Weird, right? I don't want to jump to conclusions of any sort, but its interesting to see how in every post following that one, there is a little more, little more and little more about him until this recent post was completely and totally about him and how confused I was and blah blah blah. Now I'm sounding like a little child, and I have whole diaries of stories like this actually. I fell "in love" quickly and deeply as a kid and young teen. Its amusing to read, as I believe in 4 years this will be an amusing post to read. Or maybe not. A little tiny though kinda made its way into my head and it said "What if God, in his infinate love and mercy, has chosen to let you meet your prince so early in your life?" First of all, that plain and simple, scares me! And then it warms me to think that maybe its true. After all, everyone's love story is different. Maybe this is mine. But another thing to consider is age. I actually think that maybe I might be a little more grown up than others my age because of my past experiences, but on the other hand, I have a little wilder side than most.

But maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of rewarding? hmm, not a good work. Maybe making up for? no, still not really, ok, recompensing for the crazy childhood which I didn't get to enjoy. And the teen years which are still rather harder for me than for others. Maybe He, who created this fairytale loving soul, has given me the gift of the fairytale? It seems too good to be true! Why would I ever deserve something like that? Its every girl's dream( i think?). And whats so good about me that God would give me mine, especially so early in life.

One thought just occured to me, what if God is preparing me for some remarkably horrdendous times in the future? After all, Grandma is really sick, dad isn't doing that well, its the Poslednie Vremya(Final Days before the Rapture), my lil bros are just growing up, I need LOTS of money for college and gas and life, the economy sucks and every Christian knows that it WILL get worse before it gets better. What a way to rain on any happy princessy thoughts of love that anyone was having previously. Oh dear.

I actually think this is the reason. Well, "trust and obey, for theres no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". A song that we used to sing in elementary school. Hmm, there's another song about worrying about the future but I can't think of it. Well, either way, I sure don't have much control over this (like thats new...) and again, it all leads back to God and the cross. Its a sobering thought, to think that hey, we're living in the final days of this world. Not the final days like our parents thought, but the actual final days. We have proof of that because of the prophecies from Revelation(and others) coming true! Sure makes our problems seem pretty small compared to the big picture.

Speaking of small problems, one of the million reasons why I'm so unwilling to believe that this might be it, is because it doesn't make sense why he picked me! I'm so afraid that he'll come to our youth camp and realize how much prettier, more talented, thinner, smarter, better other girls are and he'll look at me, and wonder what in the world he's still doing here. And he'll leave. That sucks, but it has to be done. I really want to see him interact with other people, and see how he responds to my interaction with others. Because if he's really mine, God will make him mine no matter what. Well, intense prayer is needed of course.

Blah I'm sick of all this. Well, that was a lie, no I'm not but I don't think its healthy to be constantly dwelling on love and such. Better things to do, like enjoy life! This age, is seriously the best. The summer was a turning point, the spring was unbelievable, can't wait for fall and winter. We're serious enough to enjoy seriousness, yet we're young enough to have hilarious moments of craziness. "To everything there is a time and season". How very true. This is our time to devote as much of our energies, breaths, thoughts, everything we have to serving God as young people on fire for Jesus. If we focus all our attention on Him and Him only, He will give us "the desires of our heart". Not even in a love way, in a friendship way, in a academic way, in a economic way, in an emotional way. He has never left anyone who trusted in Him, leave empty handed and broken.

How amazing. Just sit for a second and think about it. How small we are in comparison with the world. And not just the physical world, but take the spiritual world into consideration. In the midst of all this, God is watching your every heartache, every joyful moment. He knows every tear that has fallen from your eye, whether from happiness or sadness. He personally decides whether this tempatation is too hard for you, or whether you're ready to recieve this blessing, or this one, whether you need some extra comfort from the Holy Spirit or whether you need a little reprimand. When you think of that in this context, you wonder why in the world would I ever want to take matters from His all-knowing and powerful hands and put them into my selfish, clumsy hands.

I just read the book of my life so far, "Boy Meets Girl" and this is a quote from the last chapter: "You won't do any of these things because in heaven, you'll see and know the perfection on His plan for you. It won't be theoretical. It won't simply be a promise in the Bible. You'll see it as the undeniable fact that it is." Also, about love: "It's a simple story really. Two people learning to trust God. Two winding paths that God made straight. Two straight paths that he chose to cross at just the right time. "

Its a really amazing book, I recommend it to anyone and everyone. Its just so simple and deep and practical and real! I love it. Wow well, this has been long. I guess I was in a philosophical mood : ) Its so simple, yet so comlicated. Its so real, yet seems too good to be true. Good thing we're not alone, this would be waay to much to handle!

Oh Dear, This is Too Much.

This past weekend was really like a page out of a fairytale book. Everything was perfect, literally. Thats so rare and looking back, I'm so amazed. God was showing himself so so many times. And now I need His help in controlling this fairytale so it doesn't get too out of hand. Right now I'm listening to the song "Future Love" by Kristina DeBarge and its so confusing. I agree with her, but it sounds like what I already have! And that confuses me more! And to a person who is confused easily...this is bad. Right now, my lack of trust in God and my overabundant trust in man is so clearly evident.

He seems perfect. Not as a human, but as a person after my own heart. Our goals are the same, our faith is the same, our intentions are the same(i think?), our trust in God is the same, and yet, its too same. I'm actually so frustrated right now I'm about to burst into tears. Drama queen. Oh well, but it really does mean alot to me. I REALLY don't want a broken heart and really I feel thats what will happen. I'm trying to trust God but its so HARD! I miss him. I really do. Especially after our last night escapade, I just want to see him again so bad.

You know you're becoming attatched when you cry. Although in my case, ANYTHING makes me cry so no suprise there. But oh my goodness, I do believe I'm falling. Not what I had in mind! I was supposed to forget about him after about a week, whats going on here!? And it can't be real love, it just can't. And I'm way too young to even be thinking about this in any deep future sense. And I'm not! But it feels like having your best friend move away! Just you know the one person that brings a smile to your face when you see them.

I just really need God's help. I don't want to let my emotions take control of my level-headness. I don't want to hurry things up when maybe they aren't meant to even be. So many people are saying that this is only temporary, there's so many more things coming my way and they're right! They have to be, because if they're wrong, then this is too good. He can't be the one and only. Eww, that doesn't even sound to great. He can't be the one for me. Yeah that pretty much sums it up. Why can't I just pray about it and let it go, trust God to do His work in us? Because I'm human. And I dramatize everything. But seriously, this feels big, much bigger than anything before. It also feels out of my control.

The princess part of me wishes so much that this could be real and forever while the reality part of me realizes that it probably isnt. The old me wants to take this into my own hands, make it work no matter what, while the new me knows that I need to keep praying and leave it up to God. Big battle? Oh yeah. Writing it out makes it seem so much rational...and complicated! I'm just so thankful that I have friends who can give me intense reality checks every once in a while.
Like at the bonfire on Sunday, wow I almost died of happiness when we were all just gathered and talking and just supporting each other(just us girls). Mashka, karina, ellie, man those especially are the ones that I really could not live without. I have a feeling that Evelinka and I will have quite a bit in common seeing as to what is going on with our love lives and the funny wat they're connected. It'll also give us a better chance to see where we're putting God in all of this.

Oh I feel so much better! Maybe its because he texted. Maybe because I realize that I'm not the only one with problems. And maybe its because I have the best support group in the world. Us 8 are never to be seperated. And plus Karina thats 9. I can't wait to see whats in store for us! Already me and Evelinka are having wars in our hearts against what we want and what we know we should do! I just hope her guy ends up being as inspiring as mine. He actually encourages me to love Christ more. And shows me how little I love and trust Him now. So no matter what, already he's influenced me positively.

I'm so excited for this end of summer, fall, winter to see where God takes us as we turn 17, almost 18 by next year. What changes, what stays the same and how much Jesus has done and will do for us and in us. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by other amazing, supportive people in times when I need it. People who can critisize and uphold, argue and comfort and just be there for you in different ways. One thing I'd want to give everyone is a bunch of good friends like mine. I can actually say mine are the best! Really. And once I go to college(this year or next, we'll see) we can spend even more time togather. Although we don't really hang out or talk that much during the weekdays now that I think about it.

Ahhh I feel so much better. Wow, this helps. I still miss him, especially looking at that rose standing on the dresser. But you know what, I'll be ok. I'm a reslient person. I've learned to get hurt, and bounce back quickly because otherwise, I'd be shattered to the point of no reconstruction. And of course on the very top and in the very center is our God who just asks that we trust Him.

Sunshine

I love sunshine. I really do. I'm one of those people whos mood really is influenced by sunshine. ALOT! Well, its amazing outside. Sunny and a little windy. Not too hot and not humid. Perfect.
I started my day off at work with a pleasant suprise. A little farmer from a little country who is one of the most good looking people I've ever met. I had another suprise waiting for me. A GIANT spiderweb in the bad of potatoes which I didn't notice until I fell right into it...that was pleasant. Otherwise this day has been amazing.

I have an unbelievable craving for some McD's sweet tea. Or anyone's sweet tea really. Hopefully I'll find one on my way home from work, otherwise I'll just stop at dairyqueen or something. Really thirsty. Its been a good day at work. Sold lots of corn, as that is our main goal. I'm not in a very talkative nor contemplative mood, so I doubt this will be long.

Valleyfair was amazing yesterday and the park after. Happy birthday to Yosif and Paul. Love them both to no end, amazing cousins. And I'm super excited for this weekend! Mainly Saturday. Someone I really want to see it coming! And I really need to have a nice talk with him. For those who know me at all, they will be able to tell you that I get sick of things quickly. I like change, not for everything but in the overall sense. Also, I'm try to keep my mind and my feelings away from him because I still think he's too good to be true. My heart has never been completly really broken, just cracked. This guy, has the potential to really break it. Break it so hard that it'll never look the same and I really don't want that. Thats why if it seems as if I'm not that in to him, I am, I'm just trying to ignore it for the sake of my heart. I don't know if I can survive this craving for some sweet tea. I have some tea in the car, but thats too hot for right now.

I don't know, really don't have much to say. I mean I do! I just don't really have any desire to express it. Maybe tonight once I get a chance to really relax for the first time this entire week. All I can do is trust God with our relationship and my future, our future togather and I know that it'll work out just right. Meanwhile, I'll pretend I don't care about him that much but be secretly dying of anticipation to see him again.

Either way, its all out of my control. And for some reason, that doesn't worry me a bit. I like this deal : )

Freezing to Death

Ahh what a cheery title to this post. Well, contrary to how the title sounds, I'm actually having a spectacular life at the moment. Not at this very moment exactly, but in the other moments, in general. At this very moment, I'm sitting at work, in a little open hut, waiting for someone to buy my fruits and vegetables. The wind is so ferocious today, and the lake is this steely gray color, almost matching the sky. The sky is that bright kind of whiteish gray that hurts to look at, yet there's no sun. The formation of the clouds over the lake is beautiful though. Indescribable as well. My only wish is that it was warmer. Much, much warmer. Oh well : )

My cousin from WA is visiting. Sitting at work with me. Its so relaxing here, gives you time to think. And this windy, gray weather is a great set-up for some really deep thoughts. There's too many to share, and I don't think I want to share them all. God has really been showing Himself these past few days, week maybe. Just in little things that make me think more about Him.

That one guy. I'm scared to really expect much from all of this, but can you just imagine how amazing would it be if he was for real? Especially to a girl living in a fairytale like me. But its all up to God. I really can't see such an amazing guy like him, waiting for a simple girl like me. But miracles happen. One thing that all of this has been teaching me is to trust on God. Its such a simple concept but then once you think about it, its not. How hard is it to trust God with everything? Not just the things that you think you should, not the little things, not the big things, but everything. Every thought, every action, every breath. And meeting this guy has actually been teaching me that. I find myself constantly praying about him. Just little stuff, like while I'm driving home, I'll just ask God to bless him at this very moment. And then I'll continue my conversation with God. And you know what, it has brought me closer to God.

Its been pointing my faults out and my weaknesses. Its been helping me just meditate on God. And most importantly, its been showing me God's hand in every little thing. Thats amazing. I can actually never run out of words on this topic. The older I get, the more passionate I get about my Jesus because the more things He keeps doing for me. Its so hard to describe but its so visible in the little things. Just the one fact that God gave me this guy is already a blessing in so many ways. I want to make it clear that I'm not hopelessly and deeply in love and just enamored with him. Nothing like that at all. Its more like someone offering you a blanket on a cold cold day. Wow, what a bad example. But well, think about it. Maybe instead of a blanket...its a friend who has a blanket! Yeah thats better, companionship and warmth and you can see that someone cares.

Its so amazing to know that God cares about me. That no matter what I do, I am his child forever. I can mess up my life to the extent that no one will want me, but God always will want and love me. And its all connected. The fellowship with my friends, an awesome volleyball game, an especially pretty flower, a good day at work, a kind work from a friend, a wink, warm tea on a cold day, it all leads back to God. You can ask, how in the world does it? Well, I'd love to explain for each and every example. Just ask me. But don't be suprised where me train of thought ends up.

On a day like today where the wind is furiously whipping at every living thing, where even the green leaves on the tree look grayer, where the clouds are menacing and the lake in white frothing waves from the wind....its a warming thought to know you have a Savior and Protector in heaven watching you, keeping you safe. Being happy with you, sad with you and in complete control of your life, knowing that if you just try Him, everything will end up perfect. He promises.

Fairytale.

Thats the name of the song I'm listening to. The winner of Eurovision 2009, Alexander Rybak from Norway sings it and oh my goodness, what an amazing song, what an amazing singer, and what an amazing performance. PLEASE look it up on google: Fairytale by Alexander Rybak. I promise you will not regret it. Well thats a little bit how life seems like recently. A fairytale. Not necessarily in the love sense though, not at all. Just everything else.

I have work tomorrow and then off to kid's camp on wednesday morning. I'm so excited for work! If I had a little bit company then it would seriously be like taking a vacation everyday. Although I'm getting a really funny tan on my legs from my shorts. I come home really tired after so much time in the sun, and just walking around and I'm not sure why. So much left to do for kid's camp, I'm unbelievably excited, but at the same time really anxious. Ahh it'll be all good : )

I'm in a very relaxed and laid-back mood at the moment. Maybe that song had that effect on me, I don't know. I must say that he is part of my good mood! Today during work I was reading "Thinking outside the box and Inside the Book" and there was that verse there about God ALWAYS giving us a way out of a temptation. Which made me think of him. Not saying he's a temptation of any sort really, just not someone I usually associate with closely, especially this closely. And weirdly enough, I think the very very few church friends that know about him are have more girlish assumptions(not the word really, but close enough) than I do. I'm actually acting much different than I'd except. I guess I just really don't want to wake up and be disillusioned by what he really is. So far, he's not perfect, no way, but well he seems to be someone I'd like to get to know more. But enough about all that : )

So I've been in a random constant angry, weird mood and Ellie commented on it Sunday night and today reading that book, the author mentioned how one of the side-effects of pride is anger. And oh my goodness that hit home. Everyone knows my battle with pride(Tim squared Bible study inside joke) but recently ive been having crazy doses of pride. So I'm trying to wind down.

And especially in the past few days, God has been showing Himself in these numerous ways all throughout my day! Maybe some people it would matter to but for me, I think its really important. Like when I sent out the Bible verse, the replys I got back were amazing. And on my way to work, I heard a random sermon thing on the radio and ahh it was so encouraging and really tied in with all thats going on. Then sunday was just so evident that Jesus was caring for me. And today, when I opened up for work, there was a Bible verse written on the white board. A verse from Psalm. Turns out the other lady who works is a Christian and ahh just amazing. Its the little things that really make up the big picture.

And the little things are adding up to make up a pretty amazing masterpiece. That reminds of the song, "Fingerprints of God". Theres a few lines that are "And I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at you...you are covored with the fingerprints of God". That is so true. I've decided that I'm gonna try to be more of a skeptic, they're actually a good thing. Ask God to show me, so I can see all the miracles. So I can unserstand what He's talking about. So I can see the little things. I'm just really happy with the way that life is going. I know that it can't always be good but I really would LOVE if everyone read that book that I mentioned before. I have it, I'd love to loan it. I know the author personally, really good friends with his kids. And its an amazing book.

God still has so much to do in me. I still put myself first, pride comes so quickly. I still need to see things through the eyes of others. Stubborness is always there. I need more responsibility. But you know, I know that everything will be ok. "All things work togather for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Thats the verse that really ties it all up. God will provide. Maybe I'll have to wait, maybe He has something that He needs to teach me before it can happen, but in the end, I know that if I close my eyes and let Him lead, that I'll never fall, never to get up. I'll always be able to get back up because when I can't walk, He'll be there to carry me. Yay ending on a happy note today.

So Olenka is coming soon. My amazing WA cousin :) Wedding on Sunday, dad is so cute, all excited to bond with his Oklahoma fishing buddies. And well I'm happy that he's excited about them. Kid's camp is promising, I love the girls in my group, I know most of them very well. Great bunch of counselors. Baptism coming up, congrats to those who pasted the church test. I am SO excited for baptism next year, I think I'll be ready by then. It's probably the biggest thing you'll do in church except for get married. Weddings, cousins, volleyball, camps, work, friends, life....ahh how wonderful. I just need to not get carried away. "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." One of my favorite songs. So true.

Summer is amazing. I have so many stories. I need God's blessing so so much for the rest of summer. I miss our missionaries, fourth of july just wasnt the same without them and their awesome cars and just them. Come home! Ahh and then one more group is leaving to Georgia(the country) soon too. Tima, Victor, Roma, Max, Natasha, thats the few that I know forsure. What in the world are we going to do when they leave? Ohh, we get to lead. Vopa, that will be something. Like I said, God's blessing is all we need, ever. But an extra special blessing for the next few months : )

Work. Clean. Pack. Shower. Sleep. Camp.


Here we come!